Anybody tried that? Should I? This fence is killing me. I can plan A either way, but I just feel so stuck in limboland.<p>And really, think of the poor OW. She must wonder whether he will ever commit to her? And if not, wouldn't she like to find out now and start getting over him and look for a viable relationship? If so, wouldn't she like to get a start? (I think her bio clock could be ticking...)<p>I really don't want to do the ultimatim thingie: "choose by xxx date or ..." (which could easily just lead to him saying one thing and doing another)<p>And I don't want to make this decision for him, but I am wondering whether a gentle reminder that he does need to make a decision some time wouldn't hurt.

Well I sent a similar letter to the WS back in Feb and followed up with plan B in March of 2001.<p>Told him I could not longer allow him to disrespect us with his fence sitting. He even admitted he would have continued it for as long as I let him. I think that gave me the energy to send the letter. However, I was not going to do his dirty work for him. Both Ws and OW thought I would go do all the D stuff. <p>While I moved forward, I left him to do the dirty work I said he needed to be the one who left his fingerprints on the D, not me. Then the 1st Saturday in March 2001, I called him at about 7:15am to tell him to go get the D, I was ready. Didn't say more, just said go ahead..... as nice as I could and then hung up. Totally messed up his mind and threw both him and the OW for a loop. Ohhh I think they spent a few days even couple of weeks stewing of that call. Did me good. <p>L.

I know how you feel. That uncertainty almost killed me. But in the frame of mind or fog that my H was in, it didn't do ANY good trying to talk to him or reason with him. The only thing that worked was time, LOTS of it. We were separated for 9 mos, and dated some during that time. He could not show any common sense for quite a while. It was scary to think he wasn't the man I knew or married. <p>He's back now and with much counseling, we're doing pretty well. But I will always have fear in my heart that he'll go back to her or that even worse, he wants to but doesn't tell me.

You can do that...BUT...as a Marriage Builder's principle, it's filed away under Selfish Demands in the LoveBuster department.<p>If you decide to do this letter anyway...be sure that you mean what you say, say what you mean, and don't say it mean. Be sure you make your boundary clear and be sure that you follow up. Do not even imply action that you don't intend.<p>From a MB perspective, you Plan A by avoiding lovebusters, and when you are no longer able to continue Plan A (a few months at best) then its on to Plan B. If you go read Plan B letter examples on this site, you will see clear examples of boundaries being set without making selfish demands. <p>Protecting yourself with a boundary never means trying to force or demand that someone else change.

Thanks all for the thoughtful responses. I am not too good at boundaries with WH, I never needed them before! So far I've managed one, but what possible consequence can I give? "I'll move out with all of the children??" <p>I was thinking more along the lines of "If you need more time to make a decision, let me know, but if you are already sure and are just waiting for a good time to tell me, tell me now." Would this still be a selfish demand?<p>Or would it be better to just say something like "Some days the fact that I can not control the outcome of this just makes me feel stretched on a rack and I just want this limbo over with." I mean, maybe he needs to know more of my feelings for sufficient input on his decision.<p>OTOH, maybe I should completely avoid it as a OR talk and keep on with my life.

I am in no way advocating you send the letter. I believe it is NOT a good idea. Just throwing out some things to think about.<p>I really don't want to do the ultimatim thingie: "choose by xxx date or ..." (which could easily just lead to him saying one thing and doing another)<p>And I don't want to make this decision for him, but I am wondering whether a gentle reminder that he does need to make a decision some time wouldn't hurt.
Then what will the letter do? He won't need to make a decision. If it is a "gentle reminder" he will not need to make a decision & he won't.<p>If you send the letter & tell him to make a decision & he chooses the ow, will that be "acceptable" to you?<p>By sending a letter as you are thinking it is telling him it is perfectly acceptable to you for him to keep having an affair until a certain time.<p>Keep going as long as you can and prepare yourself mentally, financially & emotionally for Plan B.<p>Again, in Plan B you still do not give a timeframe.<p>Being in limbo stinks but if you keep focused on what you are hoping to achieve it helps enormously.

Chris: you said "If you send the letter & tell him to make a decision & he chooses the ow, will that be "acceptable" to you?"<p>Of course I won't be thrilled with that choice, but is it better than what I have now? maybe.<p>Plus I get the feeling that he won't "get over her" without moving out, but for reasons I will not go into here, I think it is a bad idea for me to say, "ok, time for you to move out."<p>I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and call Steve. (Steve over Jennifer because if my H ever gets to the point where he is willing to do C, it will be with a guy.)