I figured that it was easier to start a new topic instead of adding to the others. My story is familiar to most. If not, go read the other threads.<p>Tonight, I think I have positive proof on why it is better to NOT tell my wife about my infatuation with this OW.<p>We have been working on a project -- that is how we met-- and during the course of dinners, etc, over the last six months I told this woman how I felt.<p>She typically calls me on the way home from her work to discuss the work. In the past, I would often tell her how I love her, etc. <p>Lately, I have not done that. Tonight, when she called, I was strictly business and so was she.<p>This is why it is important to NOT tell my wife about what was in the past. It was ME who made it more than a business friendship. If I back off, the emotional component goes away -- as was clear tonight.<p>So if I tell my wife, she is hurt for something that WILL not happen. My friend is hurt for something that was caused by ME.<p>Imagine if I had told my wife a week ago. This would be a disaster with no end in sight. As it stands now, it is a business friendship.

Alrighty, if you don't want to tell don't tell!
You are a grown up and you can choose whatever mess you wanna get into.<p>Just good luck down the road. My grandmom used to say "Lies always find the most unexpected ways to bite your behind".<p>You chose your path, your mind is made. You MM have decided to be prepared for whatever outcome this creates.<p>Now that that is clear... may I ask... Are you happy with this decision?

MM,<p> I would have to disagree with you on this. I see it as this. If I were in your place I couldn't even look my wife in the eye anymore without feeling guilty. I understand that you may have felt an attraction for this woman. I am not going to comdem you for that. We are all human and we make mistakes. I feel that you will come to regreat your choice not to tell her. I know that you may not say that now, but someday you will.<p>Indy

oh gee, did you finally make a decision about that?? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

Alright I will add something else from personal experience...<p>My H "nearly slept" with the OW. After that he just told me he was feeling guilty because they had shared bed. No contact no nothing. He didn't feel liberated, neither good. He started getting grumpy and more and more guilty. He started to treat me bad and blame me for crazy things to make his concience bearable.<p>He made my life hell out of guilt, because I would always tell him how wonderful, faithful and good he was.<p>Do you think you will be able to bear with that?
Do you think your concience will be happy with it?<p>If you think so, then go on ahead, just letting you know man... it doesn't speak too well of the quality of a person you are.

I find it interesting that each of the people who responded are the BS. I'd like to hear from the WS who did not tell. <p>But more than likely, they are not on this board. They are living their life, moving on -- learning from their mistakes --but trying to improve.

Comming from my WS who didn't tell for 2 years:<p>"You should tell, because it is the right thing to do, plain and simple. I didn't tell and I paid with more than I'd have ever lost by just telling the truth. I wish I could turn back time every single day of my life and at least be able to have the courage to be a man and tell the truth.
You are hanging yourself with lies. Good Luck, because I know you won't listen."

Know what? I think you might have a point in not telling her. The only thing is, there was a reason that this woman caught your eye, and that needs to be addressed.<p>If you don't fix what led you to go astray, it will happen again. <p>I do believe in honesty in marriage. I think that there should be no secrets. But I also believe that if MM decides that what has happened is wrong, and that he does not want it to happen again, he can put things into place that assure it won't without hurting his wife terribly.<p>If this woman had no real emotional interest in him and it was truly a one sided thing - and no one else knew of the situation (very important) then I don't see how it could come back and bite him in the butt.<p>AA has their steps, and one of them is to make amends with people you have harmed, unless doing so would cause unecessary pain to that person. I think their point is very valid. <p>The main thing of it is though, the reasons this mini-affair happened in the first place need to be addressed, and soon, and completely.<p>If this is what he/you intend to do, and are doing it because you love your wife and want your marriage to be strong, then I think telling her might just toss something in her lap that would harm her without great reason.<p>Now all this being said, I have read previous posts, but want to make sure that I remember correctly - this relationship did not become physical. If it was physical - then ignore everything I wrote above. If the relationship was physical your wife needs to know. Period. She needs to know.<p>I know not everyone is gonna like what I've had to say, but those are the breaks. Call em like I see em, and this is how I see em.<p>Elizabeth

Dear Just the wife:
Thank you for a voice of sanity.

justthewife,<p>You have very valid points in there, yes he does need to address what went wrong to make him look for attention elsewhere.<p>I was refering to it comming back to bite his butt not because the OW can come and literally bite it, but because of all the unadressed problems he may be leaving behind.<p>Don't you think his M would have a better shot if he was sincere and figured this out with the help of his wife? I mean marriage is team work, one cannot make it work on ones own.<p>Also what about the guilt? He may feel liberated for a bit, it will calm his concience to say "Phew! that was close, I'll move on now and be happy, I just have to be careful to never think of this mess again". <p>It was all one sided the OW doesn't seem to love him as much as he loved her, but that is the main problem, and that is how it will bite his butt.

You are more than welcome. It would be nice if the world was perfect. But it's not. I will take whatever heat comes my way, but I came to my conclusion by thinking about what it would be like to be your wife, and having all of my experience as a betrayed wife, I still think that if you plan on making sure this NEVER happens again telling her would be just easing your concience and hurting her. And, you will feel guilty, you do feel guilty already or why would you be here? I'd rather you suffer in silence and make positive efforts in the marriage than bring her into it. The one thing you really have to do is make sure it doesn't happen again. <p>Did I mention that you should never get into this kind of position again? ever?<p>Elizabeth

I still think you need to come clean here and tell us about your 1st affair. Did you also hide this from your wife? Maybe that's a pattern of lying that you've gotten into and it's hard to break? If so, then I can definitely see how this could turn into something much more. I can't put the pieces together until you share more about this other affair. I do see pieces of my H in you. He is VERY relieved that even after lying for almost 6 years, he told me.

justthewife,<p>I am not arguing, I mean, you got a very good point in there, but it also got holes.<p>I think MM loves his wife and doesn't want to harm her at all. I understand and I think he is also scared of loosing her.<p>My WS had the same problem. He loved me, and he thought that by not telling me nothing would harm me. The OW had no real interest on him. She never loved him at all, and he thought he had shaken all the bad feelings. He thought "It was MY mistake, MY stupidity. Nobody else has to pay but ME".<p>Nobody knew he didn't tell. He suffered in silence, the suffering bit, kicked, rot his soul. His silent suffering turned him into a terrible man. His silent suffering killed me.<p>I am not saying anything, just letting MM know. This may be you. Are you prepared to go for the whole nine yards?
Say yes, and I won't say one single word again about it.

Oh BTW my H was once an OM himself before meeting me. I never knew this untill I was married to him for 2 whole years. He also thought that omiting this would save me a whole loooot of problems, once again "It was HIS mistake, HIS past, nobody needed to know".<p>Big, fat mistake. Ex MOW didn't even talk to him anymore, but it bit is butt either way. Go figure.

I think this was a one-sided affair, if you want to call it that. I led with my heart, and my friend was much more in control.

I bombarded her with feelings of love, soul mate talk, held her hand, left voice mails from the heart. She listened to them, allowed me to hold her hand, stroke her hair.<p>But she NEVER responded. Nor did she initiate.<p>I think I came to the conclusion that I was acting like a fool, and that it was time to grow up and figure out what was lacking in my life that made me seem like a junior high kid longing to go out with the high school girl.<p>I still havent figured it out, and some women have emailed me to tell me that the woman did respond because she did not tell me to stop. I cant figure that one out. Every woman I have ever known would have said something, or done something.<p>But no one knows about this but me and myfriend and she sure is not talking and neither am I.

Your friend sounds so much like my H's lover, it's almost scary. She also didn't initiate anything, but allowed him to write her letters and cards, call her, give her flowers, profess his feelings for her, hold her hand, kiss her, etc. It eventually turned into sex, which by the way WASN'T one sided. Go figure. Looking back I think she was leading him on in case her marriage (of only 6 mos at that time) didn't work. She told him they could be together in 'another time, another place.' Doesn't that leave a door wide open? Of course her (2nd) marriage didn't last and who knows? Maybe to this day she's sitting there scheming of a way for them to be together. I think she's one of those women who can't be without a man in their life which is very sad. The funny thing is she told ME to make sure I went to counseling, but she hasn't!<p>By the way, are you ignoring my curiosity about your first affair? Do you see how related this might be?

I think he is just ignoring a couple of things here maggie.<p>1) ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR DECISION MM????<p>2) Stop dodging to answer the questions you don't like. Looks like you like to dodge problems doesn't it? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now don't get mad, just getting confused.

Justthewife-I would say kissing, caressing, and sitting on someone's lap is physical, wouldn't you? Aren't you at all curious about mm's first affair and whether he told his wife about it? Could shed a whole lot of understanding on the current situation, don't you think? Just my opinion!

I’m new to this story so forgive my not going to read old posts. I think I can see where they would lead.<p>Are you kidding me? <p>You want me to believe YOU “the one who got YOU into this jam are going to be able to hold yourself accountable. You’ve already let the cat out of the bag with this OW, she obviously has similar feelings. <p>But you have changed right? <p>You’re going to be able to control your impulses, even on those nights when you’re out to diner “on Business”, Even after you’ve had a drink or two. Even when she comes on to you because she’s had one to many. Well my friend, you are indeed “the man”. I know there aren’t many out there that can combat the forces of nature, I’ve never met one so I’m glad to finally meet you. <p>Answer me this one hypothetical question, not that she would, but lets just say this woman you’re infatuated with calls you to her house, apt, hotel whatever. When you show up she’s in lingerie and trying to seduce you, the setting is perfect, you have an alibi, stories match and no one would ever find out. She even seals the deal by telling she wants to do this just once, no strings then it’s over. Tell me would you walk?<p>If the answer is no, you can’t possibly hold yourself accountable. If you think you can, like I said, you are the man.<p>Beyond this I’m amazed at your ability to be able to recommit to your W, work on your M and never find fault in her that is based on your fantasy. Usually that's what happens you know. Common folks in your situation who are having an ordinary argument with their W have voices in there head saying, I don’t need this $hit, Ms. X would never treat me like this. They would then turn that into a reason to be even angrier with their W. Common folks would look for ways to find fault in anything and everything about their spouse because after all they could never actually live up to Ms. X and deep down they would be trying to justify a reason to continue with Ms. X.<p>Then there is the guilt. You can live with the fact that you’ve decided your W is no more intelligent than a toddler is. After all she couldn’t handle what you’ve done. You’re right, being the man you are, you better make that decision for her.<p>Finally I’m amazed that you are strong enough to live with the fact that you’re W may also have had or could in the future have these feelings about another man. Typically these situations arise because something is missing in a marriage and opposed to popular opinion both parties are subject to your dilemma. It usually only happens to one because the circumstance presents itself easier. But you know this because you are not possibly be shallow enough to think she could never have these same feelings for another man.<p>Sorry I know I said only one question but I have one more. Who’s that guy on TV with great show, You know the one that always ends with “Give me a break”<p>If this post upsets you in any way, I’m sorry, life is hard, feel free to flame me. I can take it, after all I’m not the one looking back at you in the mirror. That would be you, because “you are the man”…<p>I do hope you’ll reconsider,
oz

Oswald, couldn't have said it any better.
All hail king Oswald! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
I am sure my WS will applaud your post as much as I do.<p>Hope mm can get some of what you said through his skull. Will save him and his wife a lot of trauma thats for sure!<p>Edit: Either way! even if he ignores it, this post should be where the notable posts are. I am gonna go ahead save this to my own computer. Now everytime a WH or WW comes telling me what to do I will just print it out, and give them to them framed and all LOL!<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: Alostwife ]</p>