It looks like i have done it again....i have faltered and messed up what was supposed to be the healing process between my H and me.<p>For those of you who have given my H and me advice and encouragement, thank you and god bless you all and hope that things work out for you better than it has for us.<p>Today is the worst day of my life...i have just told my H that i have had contact with the OM even after having written the No Contact letter and after a month of working things out and getting along with my H. I dont think i have any truly good reasons why i did what i did and i dont want to give reasons without sounding like i am trying to justify any of my actions. But here is what's happened so far...<p>I have been at the office these past 2 weeks having had a different role in the job and since then i have had contact with OM. I called him once and he called me at the office a couple of times. The conversations we've had had nothing to do with if i had missed him or if i was wanting him in any way. I just needed to know what was going on and i had some questions that needed answers to and i also wanted to know what he was up to and whats been up generally. When OM called,i was surprised but i although i knew it was wrong, i didnt think it would be bad bcos there was no love ot talk of love in any conversation. Whether OM felt differently, that i wouldnt know.<p>In any case, the damage has been done and my H is leaving tonight to go home...WITHOUT ME. SO he is leaving and i cannot think of anything i can do or say to make him stay anymore. He has every right to leave me and i cannot think of any other way to say i am sorry for messing up again.<p>I am a selfish ***** and like i explained to my H, i have never had to admit to my behaviour and had never had to go through anything like this before and its like learning to ride a bicycle all over again and falling off it whenever i try to ride. I know its not a good way to explain it but why else would i admit to getting help and actually having had gone to seek help if i didnt know that i had a problem. I know i am messed up in the head and thats another reason why i am going for therapy. I have put my H through too much pain and he has never stopped reminding me that i have not showed him that i understand the pain i have put him through and still putting him through. So right now i dont know what else to do except come here and post this so that i can get it off my chest and i wouldnt call some stupid friend who wouldnt know what to say to me.<p>I dont know what to expect from this post or what advice any of you have for me anymore. I have messed up big time - AGAIN - and my H is leaving me so before i start feeling sorry for myself, maybe someone can hold my hand and help me through making him stay even though right now i cannot even look at him knowing what i have done.<p>I am terrible, horrible and i hate myself and everything around me....is that wrong to say? Maybe its self=pity, but whatever...thats how i feel now.

G,<p>Well acknowledgement is a start towards recovery. Your H did what he needed to do. You do understand that. <p>Give him the time to grieve. Let him know if you can be there for him. Then you must be on your best behavior. Can you do that? <p>The OM isn't all peaches and cream when your life walks out the door right? Remember this might have been considered a small infraction at one time but in recovery it is magnified. <p>Your survival is up to you. <p>
L.

Hi GenevieveM,
I just wanted to let you know I'm following your posts. Good luck in finding the right counselor for you... maybe you can find one who believes in Dr.Harley's concepts?<p>I'm sorry your husband left, but he is teaching you that he needs to be respected in this area. Perhaps you forgot about the STD but I'm sure your H did not!? That OM is bad news, period!<p>Well, I think you are doing the right thing, to seek counseling. At least if you can get some answers for yourself and all the whys of your behaviors, at least you can start your own road to recovery, like Orchid said...

Thanks Ochid and BTDT. **** happens and i have made it happen.<p>Just got back from work, had to leave early to come home to talk to H and there was a lot of LBing...i dont blame him, he has every right to do that. <p>Unfortunately, its not going to change whats happened and right now i really truly dont know what to do anymore. I am sitting here lost and confused. i cannot say anything to him that he will believe anymore and i cannot do anything that will make him think i mean it. So i am just sitting here. Guess i can help him pack his bag.....<p>The tears havent come and i bet it will eventually but i am not letting it come bcos he will only say that they are crocodile tears and although he has asked many questions to explain whats happened, i have answered them to the best of my ability but its obviously not enough. <p>I really dont want him to go but he now sees me as a bad person and that there doesnt seem to be any chance of me changing for the better. A lot of you say that the whole idea of Plan A and all that takes around 2-6months....well guess what, i only have 2 months dateline....to me i feel that thats not enough time bcos i have never had to change and now i have to in a short time......i know this sounds like i am trying to justify everything i have done but please understand that i am venting....and this is how i feel now.<p>Any one else have anything to say to make me feel worse? My H has already been making me feel like i am a f***ing cu**, a f***ing b****, a slut, a whore......god, he has called me everything and at the end of it all he says he is not caring anymore.....dont blame him. This is my own undoing.......