I called him this morning at his hotel room - I wanted to talk to him about the so called transfer. I could sense she was there. I asked him to tell me that he loved me in front of her and his response was "I'm not comfortable with that, don't ruin my day, I'll call you back". He's still lying. I know she can't spend the night but I know she comes early in the morning for sure now.<p>What do I do? Do I cut off all contact? Is the writing really on the wall? HELP ME PLEASE I'M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT THIS MORNING!!!!

Hopefulandsad...
Oh i know its the worst feeling to KNOW your WS is with the OP. Im sorry for the pain you are feeling . I dont know how long things have been going on or what the current situation is. But I will tell you there isnt anything you can do right at this very moment that is productive, other than trying to do your best at staying calm. You dont want to do anything in this moment of emotion that might push him further away. Do your best to distract yourself from the current situation, let him make the next move since he knows you know.
Just do your best to stay calm and as stupid as it sounds remember to breathe. Posting can help take your mind off things sometimes or at least help get it out of your head to a degree. if you feel comfortable enough you can post the rest of your story? it might help us give you a little advice and encouragement as well.<p>hang in there ok?<p>-HI<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

That's good advice. While you're hurting any action you take you will probably regret. Understand the painful reality and try to let go. It will continue to hurt until you accept it. Nothing you can do can change the facts but it is YOUR reaction that influences the pain. ( I speak as someone who has been there, and I know it is hell ).<p>So, what can you do? Get your life back on track without him. This works whatever the final outcome and improves your chances of recovering your M immeasurably. Do whatever you've put off while your M was suffering. Refresh your image. Look up old friends. And don't chase your H, back off completely. Let him see you getting over him and let him worry about the next move.<p>This is a tough road, you must eat and sleep well and get your sense of humour back if you want to succeed. You may surprise yourself how strong you really are.

Okay, right about now, I realize that this site is not for me. Do some of you really believe that you need to just sit passively while your spouse spends time with the other person? What is going on? Are we all doormats? If I called my H and came to the obvious conclusion that he is with the OW at a hotel, I would jump into my shoes and drive over there, tell him just what I thought of him and also give her a piece of my mind. This is complete nonsense, allowing the WS to have time with OP while the BS just sits home in tears. Doesn't anybody see this? If we are all human, we need to be allowed to take action against what is hurting us, not just sit idly by while our WS walks all over us. If the WS can't decide who he wants to be with (because, believe me, it shouldn't be both for even a minute) then the BS needs to make the decision for them. If the WS isn't sure if he wants to leave the OP, then fine, let him/her stay with OP, they deserve eachother. This is bullsh*t, knowing that the WS is still seeing the OP even once after the A has come to light is inexcusable. This just eats away at me that people can believe they need to just sit quietly by and be taken advantage of like that. I am beginning to think the world has gone mad! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

TOO LATE! He just called back and I told him we have nothing to say to each other. he'll be hearing from my attorney.<p>It's over.

sandman1988...
Hmm sorry. Plan A or marriagebuilding isnt about being a doormat, however like I said some of our worst desicions (WS or BS) can be made when we are blinded by emotion. TRUST ME. I know the feeling. I would have probably felt much better by driving over and kicking the **** out of the OM in my situation. But I know that would have only horrified my WW and been the wrong desicion. <p>This is a marriage building website. So folks who post on here are trying to save the M despite the A. So thats the theme of most of the advice we give. <p>DEFINATELY you need to draw a line at one point. But you also have to decide when that point is with a clear head. <p>Stick around Im only one voice on here also, and Im far from an expert =)

hopefulandsad...
I'm sorry things came to that point. Its hard to have the WS stab you in the back then even after D-day turn around and betray you again. Im not sure what went on the 2 months after d-day, but you've already shown great strength in sticking in there for so long. Have you tried Marriage counseling at all?<p>If this is the path you feel is right, noone will blame you of course. Please continue to post, it may help you get through it.<p>God bless!<p>HI

Hopefullandsad, are you still around?

Oh believe me, I have been there too. My h had an affair that lasted a couple of years. I found out when h told me about it, asking me for help. I have been working on my rebuilding of trust for 18 months now. I realize that this sight is here for those rebuilding but, both the marriage counselor my H and I went to and the psych told my H that I don't need to sit and wait around for him to "decide" who he wanted to be with. That either he chose to stay with me and work solely on our relationship and end the affair immediately or he was wasting my time and both the therapists time. Makes sense to me, why bother trying to go through therapy unless BOTH spouses are completely committed to eachother and there isn't a third party involved. It will NEVER work out if the OP is allowed to remain in the picture in any capacity. Looks to me like people who allow such behavior need to refocus on themselves and gain enough strength to say "me or the OP, you choose right now". [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

geeze, Sandman, I wish everything were so cut and dried. When there are other factors like kids involved, things can take on a whole different perspective.
Ideally, yes, the BS should be able to say, choose OP or ME. But just like the BS isn't thinking clearly, neither is the WS at the time of revelation.
Ideally if would be GREAT if the WS decided to have an affair that he would have enough guts/integrity to say to the W/H I want a divorce and then go that route before screwing around with someone else. But, it doesn't work that way. Believe me, I just wanted to throw mine out at first too.
There is also the thing about forgiveness and reconciliation. You do that many many times in your marriage anyway. This instance is HUGE forgiveness and maybe reconciliation. It takes alot of work though. And if you continue to have a hateful/angry attitude towards the WS, it ain't gonna work. Might as well pack it up now.<p>Also, at the time, things might be so devastating, that the BS doesn't have the strength or wherewithal to just say leave. Unfortunatley we can't just turn our feelings and emotions off.<p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: Mikkey ]</p>