I am closing in on Plan B, I think...<big sigh>...I am so tired and in so much pain but it's getting to the point where I just feel I may need to do this...<p>Below is a draft of a plan B letter...please provide comments if you have any... <p>"Happiness is not getting what you want, it is wanting what you have."<p>My Dearest xxxx, <p>I am praying for God to give me strength, because this is the hardest thing I&#8217;ve ever had to write or say. <p>The past 12+ months have been very hard on me, more than you will ever know. I realize, too, that they have been hard on you. <p>Out of the greatest love I have ever known--quite frankly, more love than I thought I could ever have--I have managed to live through our situation. It was my hope and prayer that you would come to see that love for what it is: unselfish, kind, forgiving and solid as a rock. I had hoped that you would see not only your best friend, but your husband and the person who truly loved you as someone you could not live without. That you would want to continue to share our love and life together and honor the commitment we made to each other nearly 10 years ago.<p>I am afraid that right now, I have reached a point where I cannot continue the way we have. I don&#8217;t believe I can do anything more to show you my commitment and love. It&#8217;s still there. I know you have seen it, but for some reason it just doesn&#8217;t seem to make any difference.

I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I am sorry for my part in getting our marriage to the point where you felt unappreciated, taken for granted and that you did not feel special. Those were my mistakes. Those were not my feelings, however. I have always thought of you as special and even do so today. I thought many of the things I did over the years conveyed that feeling to you, but evidently they did not. I have appreciated you more than you know and though the words didn&#8217;t come that I wanted to say many times, the feeling was always there. <p>You were and are very special to me. If you weren&#8217;t, there would be no way possible I could have lived through the past year. I am so very sorry that I did not do a better job in expressing all of my feelings.<p>I am still willing to try to fix the mistakes I made in the past and to try to create a new life for both of us based on genuine love and respect. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with (OM) once and for all, and make the commitment to me that would be consistent with building a happy marriage. <p>To maintain the love for you that remains in my heart, I feel I must avoid seeing you or talking to you completely. We must conduct ourselves as the future may really be. <p>Financially, the only thing I need from you is your monthly car payment ($xxx) and that can be mailed to me in time to make the payment on the 3rd of the month. I will make certain you receive the mail addressed to you that arrives at our house. Please let me know where you would like it forwarded or delivered. (Your ap&#8217;t., your office, through your parents or sister)<p>This decision is not made out of anger, spite, revenge, or anything remotely like that. This decision is made with a great deal of sadness, however, but I feel I must do this to protect my remaining love for you. You certainly must have some idea of what I have endured because of your relationship, and all that you have done and said over the past 12 months.

I just can&#8217;t maintain contact with you any longer, knowing that you continue your contact with him. Please believe me when I say I still love you dearly but I cannot see you under these conditions, and continued contact between us threatens to undo my remaining love for you. I have missed you and still miss you so very much but I just can&#8217;t continue like this. <p>At some future point if you are willing to permanently and fully separate from (OM), I would be willing to discuss our future together if that is what you would want.

My resolve, now, will be to try to build a happy life as best as I can for me. Not out of selfishness, but because I need to survive.

The one thing that means more to me than anything in the world is you. I would love to see our marriage restored. I still believe we could do that. If I had one wish in this whole world it would be for us to be together forever. But I don&#8217;t have that wish. All I can tell you is if we ever decided to work to put this relationship back together in an environment of love, trust and commitment I would do everything in my power to make that happen. Although I know it would not be easy, I think together we could make it. Despite all that has happened I still believe in us. <p>You know, I think I might have fallen in love with you the day you showed up at my office door in 1989. Who knew then what we would have to go through to be together and to ultimately become husband and wife?

I know for sure I loved you on xxxxxx when I proposed marriage. I loved you on xxxxxxx when we got married. I loved you more and more every subsequent day. I loved you on (EA d-day) when you first told me about your feelings for someone else. I loved you on (PA d-day), when I found out more than I wanted to know. I loved you on (d-day #2), when again you confirmed my biggest fears. And I love you today as this is written.<p>Together we have had the most wonderful times. They truly, truly have been the best times of my life. I have all the dear memories that we shared. You have made those memories and those years of my life special. I wish you understood just how very much I love you. But the fact of the matter now is that I need to do this to protect those feelings of love I have for you. Trying to deal with all of this has become too much.

I am so sorry our own fairy tale has come to this. How we got here, and why, doesn&#8217;t really matter any more. The only question that remains is whether we are willing to try to fix it together. I remain willing to do my part, as I have since the first day this began. If you feel the same way at some future point, please let me know. <p>Please take good care of yourself. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you and watch out for you while I cannot.<p>With all my love and devotion,<p>E<p>
"If I had never known you, I&#8217;d never have loved you, and if I&#8217;d never
had loved you, I&#8217;d never have missed you, but I did and I do and I will."<p>In addition to the letter I plan to return my wedding ring with the following note:<p>I have worn this ring every day since (wedding day). To me it was a symbol of the circle of unending love and commitment we made on that day.<p> Obviously that has changed. If ever you change how you feel and want to renew that commitment with the love that goes with it, perhaps you can place this ring back on my finger.<p> Until then, it is just too painful a reminder of what this has become. I am so sorry I cannot wear it any longer. <p>
Anyway, I am not sure when I will do this or if I will follow thru but I am trying to be prepared...<p>This all hurts so badly...<p>E

That is a really moving letter Elad, its well written and touches all the points Harley suggests I think. Im sorry it came to this point for you, but when/if you send that letter you know you tried your best and given her every opportunity right?<p>Good luck!
I'll pray for you!<p>-HI

Elad I read your letter through tear filed eyes. I can't critique it because I really stink at these Plans. It touched my heart though and made me wish my H would feel that way for me. Others will give you advice on the Plan B issue I just have one piece of advice. Don't send the ring and don't stop wearing it because it IS a symbol of the circle of unending love and commitment YOU made on that day.
You're in my prayers.<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: TinyDancer ]</p>

Sounds good but you need to rework it a bit.<p>It may be a bit too long. If you are going to keep it, put all the mushy stuff, after "At some future point if you are willing to permanently and fully separate from (OM)" at the beginning and put the Plan B stuff at the end.
This will ensure the important stuff will not get lost and she won't have to read through it a few times to understand what you are saying.<p>I know you have seen it, but for some reason it just doesn’t seem to make any difference.<p>I thought many of the things I did over the years conveyed that feeling to you, but evidently they did not.

Don't put these in. You are telling her what she is feeling/thinking. Very judgemental.<p>Financially, the only thing I need from you is your monthly car payment ($xxx) and that can be mailed to me in time to make the payment on the 3rd of the month.
Is the car in her name? Be prepared as she will very, very likely never send you squat.<p>I will make certain you receive the mail addressed to you that arrives at our house. Please let me know where you would like it forwarded or delivered. (Your ap’t., your office, through your parents or sister)
Tell her she needs to do a change of address.<p>
As far as the bit about the ring it is a very dramatic act, but it will not have any effect on her. Also, you are still married & you should still act like it (as far as dating/seeing others.) If you choose not to wear it (I believe you should) then just hang on to it.<p>Besides, hanging on to it will send a bigger message to her - you still want marriage.<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</p>

Chris hit the nail on the head.<p>I thank you for sharing this letter that was so difficult to write, Elad. I may be needing to use it as a model myself, if you don't mind.<p>All good wishes.

Thanks all for the input...<p>I am not sure what course I plan to take...I am a bit angry today and I do not want to make any rash decisions while I am angry...<p>At the same time my W has let me down and I am very hurt and disappointed...this is so sad...<p>asgoodasitgets:<p>steal what you like from my letter...parts of it are palgirized by me already...<p>E

Hi ELad,<p>This is one of the most moving Plan B letters I have read. My eyes welled up in tears and had to keep drying them to keep reading. <p>I agree with Chris, a bit too long. And I think you should keep your ring ON, don't send it to her. Its not over until it's over, and even then ... well, you know.<p>I know you're see-sawing back and forth on when/if to send it (B letter). I think you'll instinctively know when the right time will be, no one can tell you, it's a very personal thing IMHO. <p>How do you feel now, Elad?<p>Jo<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Jo---<p>Thanks for asking...<p>I feel....well I dunno...I feel sad, drained, this MB stuff is exhausting ya know? Yeah, of course you do.<p>I feel terribly let down by the one person in my life I thought I could trust completely, but again we all know how that goes.<p>One thing I am really struggling with is is how do I trust anyone in the future?<p>I agree that I will probably keep my ring and keep it on. I know it is special to me...but damn...some days it just plain hurts to look at it.<p>I am wondering how you know when you have hit bottom in these deals. As the letter says I still want my W but she is draining me right now.<p>You are right, I am see-sawing but I also know that I don't want to make any rash decisions. And you are also right that I will know when and if the time comes to do something.<p>Thanks for your input and your support...<p>E