Just thought i let everyone out there know that its over between my H and me and that he is leaving tomorrow night. he hasnt told me where he is going bcos thats just him, he will disappear so that i will never be able to find him or try and make contact with him.....he is good at that.<p>I have to add something to all WS out there....never underestimate the power of a BS or their abilities to find out and see through your lies....my H did all the CIA crap and found out more of my lies today. I know that after this, not many BS can handle it and will leave...hey, WS' let them go. I think it would be better for the both of you to stop the pain and to let them go heal alone bcos from my experience since, the problem lies with me and not him so i am letting him go as much as i dont want him to. But i cannot stop him and nothing i say now or do now can make him stay. <p>He is crying and so am i but there really arent any words or actions right now that can mend whats been broken. Too much has passed and too many words exchanged and too many lies in between.....my heart is aching now so bad but i guess i deserve it. I should have never...what the hell....too late for should haves and could haves now.<p>He needs closure so he will meet with the private investigator tomorrow to get phone recordings and possibly even emails from my office. Then i guess he will feel better getting on that plane. I cannot do anything about that and although i have told him everything that i can remember, i am expecting that he might still hear some other things on those recordings....<p>I know this does not make sense but i have to express this to you.....i called OM bcos i wanted to end it MY way and not the way that we did before with the No Contact letter. i wanted to do it MY way....yes, its all about ME again and its my selfish self coming through again, at the expense of hurting my H. I wasnt going to tell him bcos i wanted to end it with OM on my terms and although most of the conversations sounded like i was keeping OM hopeful, i only did that so that i can keep him going until it was time for me to go and then i will say goodbye and possibly hurt him my way....thats how i have always done it and i know many of you will have resentment or raised eyebrows right now about my behaviour, well, i am not going to apologise for being me and at least i am geting help (my next session is Friday which i am looking forward to bcos i want to get rid of this personality flaw)....however, having said that, right now, knowing that my H is leaving me, i dont even know if its worth getting help anymore. Without my H i am nothing and no one and i know that i have lost the one true and best thing ever to walk into my life.....i ****ed up and i cannot undo what i have done and i know that many of you will be saying, how can you love someone and then mess up and then now regret? why why why.....hey, if i knew the answers to everything, i wouldnt be in this position right now and my H and i wouldnt have to go through this crap.<p>I am angry, sad, depressed and alone now and i cannot think of anything but remorse. but hey, this sounds familiar and for all of you who have adviced me and had faith in me, thank you....you had more faith in me than i had in me. Keep helping others....i know you have helped my H in one way or another....but i guess he made up his mind at the end of the day. I wish myself luck bcos my karma will come back again to haunt me and when that time comes, i dont think i will be in any position to be posting anything here ever.<p>Thank you everyone and good luck with your lives.

Sorry...<p>I know it hurts...<p>E

GenevieveM..
You sound a little mixed and resigned. do you really want it to be over? Im a little puzzled since you are a WS and you sound like you still want to be married to him, but dont think there is anything you can do? Is it ever really too late? If the two of you still love each other, and want to be married, you can work it out cant you? I should read your story I guess.<p>
-HI

GM,
Without knowing your story I can only say that "we" all here are sorry to hear of your split with your H. Myself, as a WS, and the rest of the WS's realize that you are at a point that ALL of us KNOW could happen to any one of us at any time. We have lived with the "reality" of this moment for a long time even though we have continued to involve ourselves in the A. There are no clear cut answers I'm afraid. Many will say there are and rightfully so. We alone are responsible for our behavior but when you are in the midst of this crisis personally it does no good to say "that I shouldn't be here" because that won't do you any good now. I hope that if you are unable to salvage your M then your counseling may help you to move on and find true happiness again.
There is "hurt" on both sides of these equations.
Brw

Elad, thank you.<p>HangingIn, of course i want to save this M and to make him stay but there does not seem to be anything else that i can say or do. On one hand i wanna hold him and say i am sorry and ask for forgiveness and promise that i will get better and that i will try harder and that i wont hurt him anymore, but on the other i know that it wont mean sh** bcos he will only turn around and say that i am lying or will lie again. Perhaps you should read way back to find out what my story has been like and u will see that perhaps i deserve this.<p>brw, i dont know if my counselling will help me right now bcos no matter how much i know i need it, another part of me was doing it so that my H could see that i was really trying. you see, he always said that i never DO anything to SHOW him i was trying or wanting this to work out even though i felt like i was and deep down inside i knew i was. But he says that i have done f***-all and now i feel like whatever i was doing was all for nothing.<p>Also, when i said what i did about what my conversations with OM have been like, my H now says that i only said that so that if he does find anything out, that i will be in the clear, so to speak, bcos all i wanted to do with OM was end it the way i wanted to so whatever i said to him meant nothing....look, believe or not, i am not like many WS bcos i am not in love with OM, nor do i want to be with him forever, or move out with him, or build a life with him.....i enjoyed the youth and the fun bcos he was a younger man but that was it...it was just something and someone that filled the void when my H was away.....all that said and done, it still does not justify anything that i have done or did today or the past. <p>I dont want him to go but i cannot make him stay or know how to make him stay. I want him to stay and i want him back.....i love my H and even though it sounds like i am grasping at straws now, i can only tell you what i am feeling......i am at my lowest point now...i dont know what else to do or say......

GenM,
I will bump this up so maybe some more experienced opinions come forth.
I guess that I wonder what your H is doing to try and deal with his feelings. It sounds that he is so angry that to communicate with you is almost impossible. To somehow find a way to understand each other seems to be the way to go in hopes that even if the M doesn't work then at least you both can release those feelings to each other. In that process maybe some healing can happen and maybe things would work out. How? Ask your counseler or get some advice here.
Brw
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

never underestimate the power of a BS or their abilities to find out and see through your lies....my H did all the CIA crap and found out more of my lies today. I know that after this, not many BS can handle it and will leave...hey, WS' let them go. <p>So what you are telling us is that you continued to lie about your affair and when your H learned of it, you blame him for not being able to handle it???<p>I am guessing you have one last chance to save your marriage. I know the story of yoru situation and I cannot say I would behave any differently than your H. Most of us BS just have to deal with one OM. I honestly don't know if I would have wanted to save my marriage if there had been more than one.<p>My advice, confess ever last stinking detail. GIVE him access to everything - as you should have done in the first place. All email, all voicemail, everything. Confess everything and live with the consequences. Prove to him that there may someone inside you worth trusting.<p>The more you make him find this stuff on his own, the worst it will be. I had to hire a PI as well. I know what it feels like.

Gen, <p>I agree with Longing. Let go of your life in Singapore. Leave your job if H wants you to. It's not as important as he is. You will find something else to do. Just last night I had inspiration to do something that might fill a void in me and in my community. I thought I might tutor kids here for $1.50/hr. I would tutor several kids at the same time. And, if you've never used a tutor before, that's dirt cheap. The only reason I would even charge is so that more people can get help (doing it for free would limit me), and those that come would feel like they are providing it, rather than accepting charity. Of course, if someone couldn't pay at all, then I would have money to cover their materials. And, get this...I was going to tutor using Singapore Math. What do you think? Do you think you could do something like that? God will provide when you put your priorities in place. You know Harley loves you. He wants you to open yourself up to him, like Longing suggested. You should trust him, cause I don't think you have much up to now, and therefore, you are not trustworthy to him. Does this hit home? <p>To get that young feeling again, I suggest playing your favorite music oldies. Every time I here songs from high school, I get that "puppylove" feeling again. Keep going and you will make it. You certainly seem to have a husband who is worth it. And, believe it or not, you are too. Otherwise, he would've left already.

bumped

GenevieveM,<p>I am going to be blunt. If you want to save this marriage, TRULY, TRULY want to save this marriage..........get down on you KNEES before this man and beg his forgiveness, and MEAN IT, and NEVER, EVER, for whatever selfish reason you can muster, give him cause to mistrust you again. Never contact the other man, never go out without him by your side, unless it is a for sure safe situation, never lose communication with him, never let him ponder for a SECOND what you are up to.<p>Can you do that? Can you be the model of a trustworthy person.........wholly and soully because if you so it will save your marriage? It sounds like a BIG ask, doesn't it? But to the BS, it isn't all that much to ask, after the hurt, the lies, the deceit, the lack of care, the pain and the disillusion that we (BS's) and YOUR man have suffered. <p>It is going to take a LOT of work for you to ever have your H's trust again, and it will NOT happen just because you want it to. That man is dying inside....I know, I have been there. The person I loved MOST in the world could not turn to ME when things didn't seem right...he had two women, and likely five in the time I was with him. <p>YOU want to save the marriage? Well, YOU have to prove that to your H first of all..........and calling the OM to end it 'your way' is NOT going to cut it. You know that......so get off the damned WS fence, and get to work.<p>And even after all that,<p>Love and light to you,<p>Jacky

I have read both sides of this story and I am not going to take sides. I will tell you that you do not get to change the rules to no contact and just expect you BS to accept them. <p>Your BS had every right to verify no contact and when he found it you told him you wanted to handle this your way. That is not how it works. <p>If you want to save this marriage as much as you say you do then you have to make some huge steps forward here and the first is to write a no contact letter, give it to your BS to review and edit as he sees necessary review it together and then let him send it. Then you stick to it. Stop changing the rules and think that your BS will accept it.

Gen - if you are really interested in saving your marriage, you must put your husband and your marriage before everything else in your life. Period. You must be willing to sacrifice your home, your job, your friends, your hobbies, your family - everything. When you married, two became one. Nothing on this earth should come between the two of you again. You are one. The only way anything can come between one is to rip the one apart again.<p>Your husband bumped this thread. What do you think that tells you? If he was determined that it was over, he would have no reason to do so.<p>Get rid of your pride. I think you know what you have to do and what you should be doing right now.<p>Like I said, I think you have one last good chance. Don't waste it on pride or fear.<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>