I'd like to know how most of you seem to remain calm and unemotional through the mess created by an affair. There are days when I'm like a raving lunatic or crying like a child and I come here and see all these calm words and I always wonder how one achieves that state. With my H I am calm and usually don't cry but sometimes it's not something I can stop. I can't post replies most times because I want to say "run like heck and get out now", of course I don't. How do you all do it? How are you rational with your advice?

You weren't there during my bad days. <p>Calm? Nope.<p>Unemotional? No way.<p>Kept it all together? Not in your wildest dreams.<p>I would try to get glued together long enough to go do what had to be done. Then, at church or when talking with certain friends, I would come unglued. But I tried- repeat, tried - to hold together around my children. Didn't do that very well sometimes. <p>And I had a couple of wonderful counselors. I think that was the key for me. Without them I might still be a blubbering mess.

Tiny Dancer,<p>I use prayer to keep me calm. If I need to talk to my WH, I pray to the Lord to keep me calm, and focused. Thats the only thing that keeps me sane. (I can TOTALLY loose it later) When I'm talking, it's almost like It's not me that I am looking at me through a movie. <p>Lately, I am truly ok with myself, so I don't loose it that much. (Easy to do when WH is only home a few days every 4-6 weeks) Things aren't nearly as calm when he's here.
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I used to be (and still am at times) a raving lunitic. I could never sit on any new information and wait for the proper time to bring it up. I would call him immediately and I didn't care where he was or what he was doing.<p>Now I practise my own mantra (see signature below). I try to breathe a little before picking up the phone or confronting him at home.<p>As far as keeping it together while responding to threads here - well, I'm so removed from each person - It's not my ordeal, so I can have a calmer approach and reply.<p>But not always in my own thread - check this rage out...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016351<p>Good luck!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

TD:<p>"Calm" for me didn't come until I got to the stage where I realized that I am a good person and that I would survive whether I could save our marriage or not. I don't seem to have panic attacks anymore, but the last one was less than 2 weeks ago. I do still cry, and will do so freely in front of my WW, because I don't want to hold my feelings back from her, no matter how they might be interpreted. My situation isn't quite as horrible as many I've read about on this forum, but things are far from certain re our future. We've had a couple of our worst arguments as recently as last weekend, and a couple of our very best times together on the very same weekend. Currently, things are going okay and I'm a bit hopeful, but OM isn't yet out of the picture (though they haven't seen each other in person since October), and WW doesn't "want a husband, only a companion" and I don't have a rats clue what that's supposed to mean. Yeah, I still get emotional, sometimes while I'm typing, but I guess the tears [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] don't show on this post. <p>All I can say is, try to be upbeat as much as you can, focus on what YOU mean to YOU, and build on that using MB principles. In the end, in my case, if my WW ends up wanting me to be her "companion" for the rest of our lives, I'll be the happiest man in the world. But if she doesn't, I will have learned so much from this site about how to make myself a better companion in general, that I'm confident that I will eventually hook up with someone that will appreciate the good things I have to offer. <p>persevere, you're worth it!

Ask anyone, they'll tell you I am a complete basket case. Truly. <p>I think time has helped a bit though. When things fell apart for us in early 2000 I cried every day. <p>Every new discovery or health problem brought on a whole new start to the crying every day thing.<p>Prozac helps. Talking to friends, being here on MB, going to the shrink, deciding exactly how [censored] deserves to be punished (heh, heh, heh); they all help.<p>It is much easier to tell someone what to do than to do it yourself. And, it keeps your mind off your crapola, and gives you perspective.<p>Evidently you didn't get to read my thread on D/D that was titled something like "8 beers $24, long distance call $5, talking to my x at 3am crying... priceless." We all have our moments. And that is what they are, moments, they pass quickly.<p>You are going to be just fine. I promise you will cry more, but I can also promise that you will smile and laugh too. And as things go along, you will become an awesome responder to posts just like this one. The biggest thing for me has been time.<p>Elizabeth

Me I think I am a pretty basket case too. lol<p>I go crazy about little details and the whys talk about torture!
The only thing that makes me feel better is going to class and do some artwork. I could spend hours and hours non stop sculpting and reclaiming clay (this involves making the dry clay failed projects into little pieces, very therapeutic), after d-day.<p>I also liked going places with my classmates without telling my H. I know, childish, but it made me feel like I had recovered my independence and I could have a life of my own appart from the M.<p>Music helps a whole lot, and reading. Or you can opt to slip in your sneakers and ran away for a while untill you feel tired enough to come back.

I agree with everyones reply. I cried more than I care to say in the beginning. I still cry, not as much. I try to stay focused on my children and all that is good in my life now. It seems like not much is good but if you look you'll find something. I talk to family ALOT, a few select friends and spend alot of time playing 4 square with my 4 children. I know I am an emotional wreck now and will be for who knows how long, but what I am coming to grips with is that I can't control my WW or what the future holds. What I can control is how I will deal with what I feel and what actions I am going to take as a result. Also, and most importantly...GOD...I talk to him every morning on the way to work and every afternoon on the way home. He gives me the serenity that I feel from time to time...when I need it most. He knows how badly I want my marriage to work and I have faith that he will restore it in good time. FAITH, that is what sees me through each day. Hope this helps.

I can't really add anything to what everyone else has said. I have moments of calm with huge spaces of chaos in between. At first, I had to break my time down to 15 minute intervals - just get through the next 15 minutes and not worry about what comes after that.
Also, I am somewhat of a pragmatic person anyway and some things just have to be done. Like I have to get up and go to work. And I work I have to answer the phone - I can't answer the phone through wails and tears, so I just DO IT. Sometimes I cry all the way to work and all the way home (especially if I am listening to Sarah McLachlan), but that is good because your body can only cry so much and once it is out it is out.
Also, I journal. My SIL kept telling me to do this and I kept saying I would, and didn't. Once I started writing down exactly what was in my head and my heart I began to heal. Amazing.
The other thing that is really crazy, but that I take comfort in is how good I look. Now, don't get me wrong - for the first several weeks and months I did not look good. I had sort of the refugee, nomad look going. But, having lost 25 pounds (on a small frame - I was around 145 to start, which is certainly not big, but was big for me) and having to buy new clothes in sizes 4 and 6!!!! is a real uplifter. I also am getting my hair cut and colored by this wonderful stylist and have been going to the tanning bed (I know, bad for my skin - but good for my psyche right now). I look better than I have in years. I bought some new sexy and matching panties and bras at Victorias Secret and last night I even bought a bikini (I am probably too old to wear one, but what the he!!).
I don't know about living well being the best revenge, but looking good sure does help my self-esteem. I have seen a couple of people lately at the little league park who did a double take and say "I didn't even recognize you".
That feels really good.<p>I am not saying just put on a facade and not deal with your feelings. That won't be a good long term solution. But, in AA they have a great saying about ACTING like everything is the way you want it to be - Fake it till you make it. Looking good, dressing nice, make-up and hair... (as opposed to schlepping around in dirty sweats and not bathing, which is what I did for a while) is a great way to jump start your recovery.<p>BTW, my xh's jaw drops almost everytime he sees me. Gotta love that.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TinyDancer:
<strong>I'd like to know how most of you seem to remain calm and unemotional through the mess created by an affair.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I cried for a loooong time. During the first year post affair I'd be surprised if more than 2 days went by where I didn't cry. During the first 6 months I cried at least once very day. H wasn't usually aware of this though. I did it when he wasn't around.

tiny,
Its easy to be calm when its someone elses husband that is cheating. (giving advice)

1. Wellbutrin.<p>2. Practice, Practice, Practice.<p>3. My H has already ruined 10 years of my life with his deception and betrayal. I'm not about to let him reduce me to a shell of myself by being in despair all the time. And even when I am in distress, I'm not about to give him the pleasure of witnessing it. I will let him into that part of my world if and when he has empathy for my pain. Otherwise, it is just pearls before swine, and my resolve in refusing to be his victim anymore gives me the strength to keep my grief to myself and only share it with those interested in helping me recover from it.