Aftr hearing my kids cry for yet another day about how they feel that W doesnt love them or care for them, only has time for her 'friend', I finally had enough. I called W and told her she needs to come clean NOW and tell the kids the truth, they do not deserve this anymore.<p>W agreed and tonight when I drop them off, she is supposed to tell them what is going on. She didnt want to, said she is only trying to protect them, I told her that they already know enough and this isnt fair to them. Also told her I wont be there when she tells them , she has to feel thier pain by themselves.<p>More on this, but I dont have time to explain, will check back in later.<p>So please pray for my kids, W and me, this is going to be the worst night of all our lives, but one I know is necessary.<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: loveherstill ]</p>

y'all are in my prayers<p>God Bless

STOP!!!!!!!!<p>Don't for a nano-second think she's gonna tell them the truth!!!<p>I say BE THERE with them. They are more important than a strict compliance with Plan B!!!!!!<p>WAT

LHS,<p>How are you doing?<p>L.

This is a devastating thing to experience but you can rise above it and your children can get help from your strength. Each child is very different and will react differently. Do you have any wise grandparents or friends that can help you so that you don't get overwhelmed with this heavy burden? Try to help your kids KNOW that their mom is very confused but that this is not their fault. My children are adults and they have struggled with feelings of insecurity and abondonment so I image little ones find it more confusing.<p>Do you think she can tell them the truth? Shame and guilt are not good for being up front. <p>Praying for you all to know God's strength and help in time of trouble.<p>TW

I hate to say this, but I agree that you should be there when your W talks to the kids. You say that she is still in the A; therefore, I can almost guarantee that story may not come out truthfully.<p>At least with you there, she may curb her conversation and not try to justify her actions to the kids. I'm just going on how I was during that time. I didn't know TRULY why I was having an A, let alone be able to explain it to anyone else - especially children.<p>But, on the other hand, you will not be able to prevent your W from being alone with the children. I just hope that no comments are made against the other parent to the kids. They are in the middle and those opinions should be kept out of the conversation.

I will, and have already, prayed for your children.<p>Reading this, I am scared and upset beyond words. <p>Please give consideration to having a therapist, clergy, or family member with your children - if not too late. I am guessing your children are young. I almost did the same thing, but "mommy" was idolized and I could not shatter that for them. Praying hard.

LHS?<p>How did it go? Can you please update us?<p>Jo

Well, it happened, its done, now its time to switch to damage control mode. And what a night it was...<p>While I had the kis, apparently the dog knocked over the hamster cage and the hamster got out. So, when we got home, all h*** broke loose and we had to tear the place apart looking for the rodent.<p>Right in the middle of this, W takes a couple of the kids aside and tells them the truth. So now, the whole place is in an uproar, what a mess! Then after about an hour of crying and basic emotional melt-down by all of us, W says that she is leaving, going to BF's house for the night, says she cant handle this anymore, need to get away.<p>So then I loose it. I tell W that if she cant handle this, maybe she needs to move out and I should take care of the kids full-time, I tell her that the kids need her more than ever, that they need to see her as a committed, loving mother and running away is not going to show that. But, she left anyway, kids said probably to be with OM.<p>The kids handled about as good as I expected. D-1 says she wont call her mom anymore because this isnt what a real mom does, D-2 says she cant trust or respect her anymore, sayd she is embarrassed to be her daughter, D-3 says if she ever sees OM, she will scream and yell at him. S told me that I am the only daddy for him and he wants to live with me forever.<p>We are going to get them into counselling soon, they need that. I spent the rest of the evening answering as many questions about all of this as I could, they need to know the truth. I also told them that I will not abandon them, that I will always be available for them whenever they need me.<p>When W was leaving, I asked her if this was all worth it, if OM was worth all the pain she has put the kids through. She just said "No, but I need him"<p>W called this morning to see how the kids are doing. I told her that I am back to what my Plan B letter stated, no more contact until you end all contact with OM and commit to the M, me and us. She just said she respects that decision, but cant make any promises.<p>So now the real work starts for W, I pray that she does the right thing. I wonder if OM can give her the emotional support she needs right now, like I have for the last 13 years.<p>Thanx all for keeping us in your prayers.

Just wanted to add this. OM is divorcing his W, him and WS went to sign the papers yesterday. And, OM and W spent the weekend together because W was starting her period and they wanted to see if OM could handle her cramps and basic unpleasant disposition during this time. W denies this, but I know they are/were planning on getting married. How many Commandments can a person break in a lifetime?

OK, now we are going to see what the OM is made of. My guess is that he will be very lacking. Stick to your Plan B. Let the A die on its own. She seems to be straight out of SAA. <p>Hang in there, we are here for you and praying for you all.<p>Sinking

lhs,<p>
I'll be thinking about you and your kids today. There is a reason for all of this. God will show you someday. Look up not across.<p>
who

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong>The kids handled about as good as I expected. D-1 says she wont call her mom anymore because this isnt what a real mom does, D-2 says she cant trust or respect her anymore, sayd she is embarrassed to be her daughter, D-3 says if she ever sees OM, she will scream and yell at him. S told me that I am the only daddy for him and he wants to live with me forever.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, some may flame me for this, but I wish my son had reacted like this. For the record, I didn't try to encourage him.<p>But, lhs, if this was spontaneous from your kids, I say GOOD. We should NEVER use our children as pawns, but also I believe we shouldn't defend their unfaithful parent's behavior. When they ask why Mommy's doing this, I suggest you simply say she's confused right now. She won't like this answer, but ask her if she'd rather have you say she's bad?

WAT- I agree with you 100%. I am not going to use the kids as pawns nor am I going to say anything negative about W. W told me today to please not say anything to make the kids hate her, I just replied that she has probably taken care of that by her own actions. Right now, I am going to concentrate on them. I am going to validate their feelings, let them know it is ok to feel the way they do and answer any questions that they have about all of this. I am also going to be the stable parent for them and let them know they can talk to me or come over to my place whenever they need too.<p>SF- I know OM is very lacking, lacking in every thing that I think it takes to be a real man and a real father. The only reason their A has continued is because they haven't had to deal with each other in the real world, guess what, now they do! He would not last a week with my kids, believe me, they are great kids, but they are also a lot of work, and work is something OM does not like to do.<p>WHO- I told W a long time ago she needs to be honest with everyone about this, because God will reveal the truth sooner or later. But, she kept playing the game, thinking secrecy and deception were the best way to go because that way "nobody will get hurt". Guess again, WS. Yes, God has a plan, and I know He has better days for us.<p>One thing I noticed is that W seemed to be reaching out to me, that she was looking to me to help her out. Much as I wanted to, I didn't, reminding her that what I said in my Plan B letter still holds true, even though I stayed the night with the kids. I also reminded her that I am still committed to the M, but will not support her as long as she continues in this illicit relationship. The comment W made about "I need him" was very odd to hear, it wasn't "I want him", it was "I need him", like she is addicted to him, and that has all the markings of a relationship that wont last.

You just hit the nail on the head. It is an addiction. It is an addiction to the feeling that she gets from the A and the OM inside of the bubble of the A. But that bubble is about to burst. It may not be overnight, but it will happen. <p>So what do you do? Nothing. You let them have their reality and let the A die on its own and then you be there and help put your marriage back together.

After watching Dr. Phil on Oprah yesterday, I feel compelled to say this to you. Dr. Phil made a point to say that you need to really be including the children in the healing process as well. Be it alone or together as a couple (which doesn't sound likely in your case right now). He said that so often, the children see the devastation but that they are left out of the healing. That if the child knows what went on in the relationship (in this case he was referring to an 11 yr old and 15 yr old that knew their father had an affair) they should also be able to see what goes on in the healing. Be sure to keep them informed. That's not to say that you should fight in front of them, only mean that if you and your wife come to some sort of terms of agreement or something, that you do your best to let your kids in on it as well. Kids are resilient, they will be ok after the initial shock wears off. Just be thankful that they have a dad with his head screwed on straight looking out for them. Also, let them know you are ther for them any time, day or night. Kids understand more than we think they do at times, and they will pick up on your moods and will be able to tell if things are going good or bad between you and your wife, so don't try to hide things, just be as open as you can be.

I'm soooo glad you were there. I just cried several tears when I read your update of how it went last night. I felt, all over again, my day of telling my children about what I had done. I was telling them after the A was over, but when is it ever a good time to tell your children such an awful thing. I don't ever want to take that memory for granted. That was one of the most painful moments of my life.<p>Thank god you were there for them afterwards. You are a fabulous father and don't ever forget that! They are hurting beyond our comprehension and you are there for them to feel safe and loved. Thank god for people like you!

LHS,<p>You mentioned that your W should leave and you have the house. Have you followed through with this? She could move to your apartment and you back into the house. THat way she is able to see OM as much as she likes, and the kids are protected from her abandonment and emotional issues.<p>I am serious here. It is time you took control of your family and the children. It is clear that your W will not be responsible for them, if it is a decision between OM and them.<p>I hope you have noticed that I don't seem to be worried that W see OM. I think that she has free reign to do that all along, so what is different. I think it is time she got him full time. It may end your marriage or it may not.<p>Personally, I don't care (sounds bad doesn't it??), but what should happen is that you get those children and raise them. They have been hurt enough. I know it will be tough, but you can do it. Get child support from her and raise those children, make them happy, and fine kids. That is the best revenge you could get.<p>LHS, your marriage isn't over, and there is hope that OM and your W will wake up, but you cannot risk your children here. Do what it takes and don't play any games. Get a good lawyer and get custody established with you.<p>I know this doesn't sound much like MB doctrine, but it is. It is working on you and your family. Your W is on her own now. She may come back or she may not, but you taking good care of the kids insures two things. 1. They are properly cared for. 2. Your W knows what kind of a father you really are.<p>All other comparisons to OM and even herself will suffer and be the worse for your efforts with the children.<p>God Bless You and Your Children,<p>JL

Dear LHS,<p>I am proud of U!!!! I am sad that it came to this and yes your entire family went through a major crisis and cleansing last night. <p>Today still has the scars but you and your children have released the responsibility of enabling the A as a family. The children are making the decision based on truth. You are right to say that the children are reacting based on what they see. They probably were ready before but not willing to step outside their 'safe boundaries'. They instinctively did not want to be the cause of the break up and now they know they are not. <p>So now the OM gets to figure out if he has the 'balls' to fulfill all her emotional needs (the ones you and the children) had been doing up to now. More than likely he can't but he gets to now. <p>When you are ready, let us know how you are doing. I sense a bit of relief here but the step was a hard one. <p>Take care.....down days may come but you and your children will bounce back better. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

O-
Yes, OM has balls, much as I want to remove them, he doesn't deserve to have any. I think this is where the rubber meets the road, for both WS and OM. They have both been cake eaters, now they get to decide which way to go. Dr. Phil said "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing", right? Well now they have nothing to hide and can play their game in the open for all to see, wonder if the luster is going to wear off their relationship and they will see it for what it is.<p>OM is leaving his W, at least that is what I understand, wonder how long he will last before he goes crawling back? WS has to look into the eyes of 4 precious kids and be reminded of what she has done, wonder how long she can last? They created this hell, now they can live in it, in my book, there is only one way out of it. <p>D said in her letter that W has a lot of wok to do in order to get her trust back. How true that is. Something I realized through all of this is that real love takes a lot of work, it takes honesty, commitment (to spouse and family), openness, faithfulness, passion, caring, and many more things. People involved in A's think that their relationship with the OP has all these elements, but in reality, it has none of them that can be sustained.