A quick overview: We've been married 12 years, haven't had SF for the last 7 (he's not interested) and only had it to get me pregnant before that. If I tried to initiate or give oral he would say "you're not that kind of girl" or "only whores do that". Generally he has been mean and verbally abusive our whole marriage, recently I decided I would leave him in June.
The last few years I have noticed some unexplained absences, a box of condoms opened with some missing which we hadn't used, just little things like that. More recently he has taken to being gone more frequently, suspicious little things......today I went and looked in the bag he takes on the road with him (he's a truck driver) and found a prescription bottle for Viagra! The scrip was for 6, to be taken 1/2 at a time. There was only 1/2 of one left.<p>I'd like advice on how to handle this......I didn't confront him because he will have an excuse. I want to leave him anyway.....I made an appointment to see a lawyer next week. I would like to confront him and ask him to move out, but he has a tendency towards violence and I want to stay safe. I'd sure appreciate some advice as to my strategy.....my fear is that he will either refuse to leave, or take all the money and run on his Harley.......leaving us with nothing. <p>Anna

I haven't been in your position but I think you should say nothing and see a lawyer. Make sure you get a restraining order in addition to filing for divorce. If you're leaving him, then I see no reason to confront him about what you found. Your safety is what's important now. If it were me, I would be tested for STD's etc and move on with my life. It seems you've wasted enough time on someone with some serious issues and problems. Good luck

Anna - <p>At initial discovery of infidelity, betrayed spouses are in no position to make rational decisions.<p>Seek out a counselor/pastor before you make any decisions. Don't make a decision now that you may regret later.<p>
Don't confront him. It will accomplish nothing at this point. Put off seeing a lawyer. You have been married for years. Give this decision a little time. No reason to rush into it. If after some serious consideration, you still no longer want to be married, then you will have the peace of mind that comes from being sure of your decision.

I guess I didn't explain myself very well in my first post.......I already had planned to see a lawyer and leave him because he is verbally abusive and has threatened physical abuse in the past. I've been considering this decision for 3 years. We've never had a good marriage....I'm really not that upset about this, I haven't been in love with him for years, but have tried to make our marriage work anyway. As far as STD's go, we haven't had sex since our 6 year old son was conceived, they routinely tested before his birth, and there would be no way of catching anything since then....so I am not concerned. What I'm really looking for is the best way to handle the situation, I'm actually kind of relieved that now I have a reason to leave him that is "acceptable" to my church and my parents ...it has been so hard to convince them that we can't "work out" the verbal abuse issue.<p>Anna

If you are honestly concerned with your safety, you need to make a really good plan of how to do this. Meet with the lawyer, make sure you have expert knowledge of all the finances, decide if you want to move out or if it is him you want to have gone (likely safer if you go). Make arrangements to stay some place else. Don't tell him where. It may be better to stay with someone that he would not suspect. Pack up all of your belongings and take them with you or put them into storage. Make sure you have enough cash in hand when you go so that if he cleans out the accounts, you can live for a while until you get your next check. Get a new bank account a change your direct deposit (if you have such) to that account. If you share in any bills (mortgage, insurance, etc.) make sure you create a plan that would handle such. I would take the kids with you if at all possible. If he is violent, you want to be sure your children are protected.<p>If he has a documented history of violence, you may be able to obtain a restraining order as well.<p>Since he is on the road for work, you should be able to accomplish all of this without alerting him to it.<p>I wish you the best of luck and I will say a prayer for you.<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>