from living with OW, what are some reasonable boundaries to agree upon. Of course, I have a whole list, but I would like some opinions from others.<p>Thanks!!!!!

Check out my sig! I recommend you create a list of Expectations for both of you.<p>Actually, never mind, I will post my updated list below (my wife and I are meeting with our counselor tonight so some of this may change when we get a chance to discuss what I added over the last few days).<p>Expectations I have of my wife<p>1. Be understanding of my desire to share my thoughts and feelings with you.<p>2. Share your thoughts/feelings with caring and tact. Provide openness and honesty with caring and tact.<p>3. Consider and respect me and my feelings in all of your decisions. If I express that I would rather you not do something, don’t do it.<p>4. No more traps. If you think you know something, state such. Don’t set a trap that encourages dishonesty.<p>5. No social time without me unless it is with someone with no association with what occurred. No social time at bars or with coworkers without me. No social time with [a very unethical male friend] at all – this includes meals.<p>6. No relationships with other men. Account for time and location.<p>7. Be understanding of my need/desire to jump at shadows.<p>8. Verbally apologize and ask for forgiveness when you do wrong.<p>9. Support me in my journey of getting over the pain and hurt that I feel because of what happened.<p>10. Work to replace guilt and self-loathing for love for yourself and for me.<p>11. If there is something you wish for me to do in our relationship, and it has anything at all to do with him (OM), tell me in advance. Don’t keep it from me, don’t wait for me to ask about it. Just come right out and tell me.<p>12. Remove all aspects of him from our lives. This includes any email, gifts, clothing, and even his name. Be proactive in this expectation and not wait for me to find something or have to ask for it to be removed.<p>Expectations my wife has of me<p>1. Understand that I am not perfect and if I am having a bad day, it does not mean I want to give up.<p>2. Understand that there will be times when I do not want to be affectionate. These times may be when you need it the most.<p>3. Continue individual counseling. Understand that I will need “time-outs.”<p>4. Give me the freedom to decide when we discuss sensitive topics. Discussion will last no more than 1 hr/day.<p>5. Allow me the freedom to decide when I am ready for "relations." Know that I will let you know when I am ready.<p>6. Support me in my journey of getting through (past) all the guilt and hurt feelings I have heaped on myself because of what I have done.<p>7. Work to build emotional strength and self-worth/esteem/image.<p>8. Work to discover a way to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts.<p>Understanding = not reacting negatively.<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

I really do like the list, thanks for putting it out. I agree with these types of things... I really wish my H would agree to something like this. <p>Happiness to you, HONEY

That is the key. If they don't agree, they make the choice to put something else above you - that something else is more important.<p>If my wife is not willing to live up to my expectations, and my expectations are deamed reasonable by our counselor, then I move to plan B. These were originally expectations that we agreed to prior to moving back in.