lifeismessy and Chris (CA123),
Thanks for the advice. I have read Dobsons book but think I need to go back and read again. Problem is, I want to save the marriage but she "doesnt want to". Not much leverage. OM also befriended our family to do the same. Went camping with us, 4th of July etc. Delivered sister in laws baby, had my father in law stay at his house while recovering from pancreatitis (8 weeks) even after the affair was exposed. And to top it all off, he started seeing my wifes counselor "for help with their relationship" in order to tell her his diagnosis of co-dependency etc. and documented it in his journal which I have seen. Talk about manipulation. She went to counseling with him but not me because as she put it, he and I arent having problems - you and I are. How backwards is that?<p>I printed the article on what an affair teaches children and the co-dependency article and left them lay in our/my room and I am pretty sure she has read them. No comments but she probably realizes that they were not just out by mistake.<p>Had pre mediation mtg today, feeling kind of sad. I do not want to go through this! It doesnt have to happen, but she refuses to try. What a shame. She says the kids will be fine - ha.

JohnC,<p>"I printed the article on what an affair teaches children and the co-dependency article and left them lay in our/my room and I am pretty sure she has read them. No comments but she probably realizes that they were not just out by mistake."<p>Not a good idea. Manipulative and an LB. You cannot try to educate them.<p>sad dad

JohnC- I have found out the hard way in my own marriage to a WS that they will only begin to change when they think you're going to leave them. Youre right about the leverage thing. I told my H a few wks ago that unless he started to treat me with respect, kindness, and consideration that I am leaving him.( this was after a year of Plan A and B and his filing on me last Spring then reluctantly going to counseling with me up till now)Sure he did make a complete break with OW but I still have the underlying problems to deal with between us which is that he doesnt treat me as an equal partner in our marriage. I took off my wedding rings and when he tells me he loves me I dont say it back. I told him my Lovebank is on Empty. Since I have taken this strong stance with him he's been better than every to me. Last year I wasnt nearly emotionally strong enough to be this firm with him. But now I am and it's having positive results so far. Food for thought.lifeismessy

I would say that her love bank with me is on empty which is probably why she decided to do A. She has also taken off her wedding rings and does not tell me she loves me either when I say I love her. Should I not tell her anymore?<p>She sure seems steadfast in her desire to get D - again no leverage. Any thoughts?<p>John