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Some poor-ris...">
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Some poor-ris...">
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"Poor Risk Partners"
#984850 03/13/02 10:12 AM
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Pepperband
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This is from "Surviving Infidelity" by authors Subotnik and Harris:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Some poor-risk partners are very self-absorbed; they have a constant need for admiration. They view all events narcissistically in terms of the events impact on them. Their behavior is often impulsive. These individuals may be completely lacking in empathy, unable to see anything from another person's viewpoint. They cannot accept criticism, and often their egos require constant bolstering. Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the very core of the individual's personality and is a pervasive aspect of his lifestyle. Their personality flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows.<p>A narcissistic person cannot put himself in the place of another and understand the other's feelings. So the depths of despair of the betrayed spouse means nothing to the infidel. Empathy is essential to resolving issues of infidelity. <hr></blockquote><p>This is mostly for BurningBright ..... but also for anyone else struggling to make a marriage viable in the absense of a spouse's empathy. "Plan A through Z" would never be effective with this type of spouse. Where is love without empathy? Here's another quote from the book:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> One woman who came for therapy with her husband, because of his affair, told of how he went to a business meeting rather than accompany her to her father's funeral. He did the same thing when his daughter threatened suicide. The needs of his family and the suffering of his wife made little difference to him. He left his wife - typical of him - at New Year's Eve. <hr></blockquote><p>Thoughts?<p>Pepper
Re: "Poor Risk Partners"
#984851 03/13/02 11:53 AM
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PepperBand,<p>When I read about the poor risk partner, that hit home with me. My Wh does everything from his own internal viewpoint. He's implusive, his ego needs bostering all the time. <p>When confronted about his 2 recent affairs, he admitted but there was absolutely no remorse, no accountability. He said (OW1) " We had been drinking, she had not been with a man in a long time, so it was almost like I was servicing her"
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
When asked about OW2 "It just happened"<p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
He seems to pick OW who are needy so he can be the knight in shining white armor & come to their rescue. <p>As I learn more and more from these post, the books and the articles, I have realized that WH never really thought of me & my needs ever. He needs a ton of admiration. I have been doing that (there are truly some things that I do admire in him) He is starting to respond to that. But my confidence in our future is very shakey. It would take a Damascus Road experience for him I believe. <p>This was a problem for my WH long before we met.
Looking back at an old journal from the year we met, we were having the same problems then that we are now twenty something years later. I didn't have the skills or the insite that I do now. Plus I was totally and madly in love with this man.
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Re: "Poor Risk Partners"
#984852 03/13/02 02:26 PM
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Grrr...<p>Narcissism is a BIG deal, and a serious condition. Let's PLEASE not all start calling our spouses narcissists whenever they seem insensitive to our needs.<p>::calms down::<p>I like ice cream! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Re: "Poor Risk Partners"
#984853 03/13/02 02:47 PM
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I wish I could remember which one of the many books I read in which I saw a list of "risk factors" as far as people who are likely to cheat. I can only remember afew offhand ( I think there were 10 main factors).<p>1. Cheated on a previous partner.
2. Comes from a family in which there has been infidelity, especially if the infidelity has been accepted by other family members.
Re: "Poor Risk Partners"
#984854 03/13/02 02:52 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by fairydust:
I wish I could remember which one of the many books I read in which I saw a list of "risk factors" as far as people who are likely to cheat. I can only remember afew offhand ( I think there were 10 main factors).<p>1. Cheated on a previous partner.
2. Comes from a family in which there has been infidelity, especially if the infidelity has been accepted by other family members.<hr></blockquote><p>Hi FairyDust,<p>I wish you could remember too. I would love to read the book. <p>Jo
Re: "Poor Risk Partners"
#984855 03/13/02 03:20 PM
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<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>
Re: "Poor Risk Partners"
#984856 03/13/02 03:30 PM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by hanora:
How about some common sense? For poor risk partners:<p>1. How do they treat their family? The way they
deal with their mother/father is likely to be the way they deal with you.<p>2. Do they curry favour with superiors? If so drop them, the syncophants were way down in Dante's hell.<p>3. Do they worry overmuch about appearance?
If so the mirror will always be their first love and the chances of a MLC are great.<p>4. Always pay more attention to actions than words, they do speak louder.<p>5. If cats, dogs, kids, cows, horses, and pigs don't like them, probably you shouldn't either.<hr></blockquote><p>Answers for ex-H:<p>1. Ex-H treated his family with respect
2. Curry Favor? Not sure what that means, my ex-H always defied authority, hated to be told what to do and enjoyed flaunting his own way in their (authoritarian's) face.
3. Ex-H was not a primper but knew he was good looking and a lady's man.
4. Actions rarely matched his words. Intentions were there tho, just never followed thru. Broke promises as a rule.
5. All of those like him, he is VERY charming.<p>Ughhh .... guess it's back to my ex-H was a musician and on the road from age 16 forward, had a distorted view of relationships due to that, I guess. Women were for boinking, love 'em and leave 'em attitude.

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