Found out 3 wks ago that husband has been having an internet affair for over 2 months. He broke it off and we immediately began counciling. My problem is I wonder if I can truly get over this and do I really want to. I feel the blame for his issues keep coming back to me and I am NOT ready to take the blame for his infidelity. Our marriage may have not been perfect, but I didn't go out there looking for something else. He seems to really be trying to change but seems to want me to just move on as if nothing ever happened.
Can someone out there offer hope and suggestions????

WEll, his trying to sweep it under the rug will only make it worse. While you don't need to dwell on it any longer than necessary, it will take what it takes to recover from the shock of betrayal. It will go alot faster if he answers all of your questions to your satisfaction, opens his life to you, and generally works hard to rebuild the trust that he destroyed. <p>But believe me, it will take much longer than 3 weeks to "get over it." Tell him the average is more like a year. Affairs do have consequences. <p>As far as the affair being "your fault," he needs to realize that he made the choice to have an affair all on his own and is 100% liable. <p>You are BOTH liable, however, for the state of relationship that LED TO him not getting his needs met in the marriage. And that is where alot the work will come in. Something has gone wrong here and that is what you need to find out if you are going to recover this marriage.<p>You both need to follow MB principles and complete EN questionairres to find out what needs are not being met and what led to this affair. Try and read everything you can on this website.<p>Also, I would suggest putting spy software on your computer to VERIFY that he is being honest with you. You can't really trust his word anymore, but if you can verify his computer activities, it will go a LONG WAY in reassuring you and restoring trust in your marriage. Otherwise you will ALWAYS wonder. You won't have to hope or guess if he is being honest about his computer activities. I use the starr spyware at www.iopus.com, but there are many others. Be prepared to pay around $40 for it.

Tracie...<p>Welcome to MB... Can you survive an internet affair?<p>Most definitely... BUT...<p>You have to roll up your shirtsleeves and do some hard work...<p>1st... Read the Basic Concepts on this website... if you can get a hold of the Harleys' books... Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs and LoveBusters... do... <p>2nd... Focus on YOU... not on your marriage or even the affair... what changes to YOU want to make for YOU... how can you grow and become stronger... <p>3rd... If H is repentant, remorseful and also willing to do the work... have him read the Harleys' stuff too...<p>It will not happen overnight... or even in a few months... but overtime... Time... Patience and Consistency are what count...<p>Finally... get support for yourself... counseling... minister... <p>Hugs,
Cali

Tracie,<p>Three weeks is not a long time at all. It took about 3 months before I stopped thinking about it ALL the time. My wife also didn't think it was much of a big deal and probably still doesn't understand why it messed me up so much.<p>Don't accept blame for the affair and also realize that it's not useful to try to assign blame, either. It may seem like a logical thing to do, it's just not helpful to recovery.<p>Both of you probably had plenty of issues in the marriage. You should start working on the ones you have control over. That doesn't mean telling your husband what he's been doing wrong... it means looking at yourself (see Cali #2) and figuring out how to make you a better partner. Listening to your husband's complaints may be helpful in this regard-- but only if you can resist snapping back with your own complaints. Sounds pretty one-sided, doesn't it? Sorry. <p>If you do a lot of reading on this site (and get some of the Harley books) you'll see why I say that. It's because you can't make your husband think or do anything, no matter how much you want to or how right it seems. He has to fix his stuff on his own. Counseling should help in that regard... let the counselor tell him what he needs to do. <p>I hope you're in for the long haul. Good luck.<p>Jeffers

Thanks for all the advice. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. Your encouragement is MOST helpful and needed.
I am happy to have found this site. Could you please let me know how to find out what all the abbreviations stand for so I can participate more with postings.

in the Just Found Out forum:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000557<p>Good Luck,
Cali