WS called me a bit ago, said that I have f**ed up the one thing in her life that made her happy, yes very upset and angry. I asked her what that meant, she told me she sent OM a copy of D's letter, he said he cant see her anymore, doesn't want to be responsible for the pain my kids are going through. HELLO? Now he doesn't want to be responsible? What did he think was going to happen, have the kids say "Hello, my new daddy" W also said I forced her into telling and that they didn't need to know who it was. I asked if she really thought the kids were that stupid, they knew already who it was. Told her that she had been lying to them for almost a year now, they deserve the truth<p>I asked her if that didn't say something about his character. Asked if he did truly love her, he would also love her kids and want to help them through this. She said that their plan was for him to ease into the family, start coming around and spend more and more time with them until they got comfortable with him, maybe six months. I replied that sure worked in conveniently with our D date, didn't it? Also told her that it was more than her dating OM, it was about all the lies, deceptions and neglect that she was putting the kids through.<p>W then went into a tirade about how everything is over, she cant go on without him, its my fault the kids know and OM is cutting her off. I just said that this has nothing to do with me, she is the one who had the A, she is fully responsible for the consequences of it. I told her that maybe she should leave, go be with him, I'll be more than happy to take custody of the kids and house.<p>I then asked her if she thought our M was over since they have been planning on getting married. She said I don't know, I said how cant you not know, you two were acting like a married couple, weren't you, heck, you even had his wedding ring, the one his W gave him, doesn't this sound permanent? That one pushed a button because she said I don't want to talk about this anymore.<p>I know I shouldn't have talked to her, not part of Plan B, but when she attacks me like that, I am going to defend myself. This responsibility falls squarely on her shoulders, she is the one who messed up not me. All I want now is for my kids to be safe and secure in the knowledge that Dad is there for them.<p>Cripes, she is messed up big time, I'm going to stay out of this, I know her and OM are talking and he aint giving her the EN's she needs right now. KACHING!

Serves her right. She's getting what she asked for and now is just finding out that OM is not all that and a bag of chips. <p>In any event, you keep up the good work. Stay strong for your kids, as I'm sure you have, but know that it's ok to feel weak too. We are here for you then. Chin up friend, you are in control of your life now. Take the bull by the horns and live well. I wish you the best and will continue to keep you and your kids in my prayers. Let your W deal with her own problems. You know the truth and so do your kids, who cares what she thinks. She knows she only has herself to blame, but doesn't want to own that. I wish you well. Take care.

(((( LoveHerStill))))..... big hug!<p>How horrible.... to be "forced" into telling her own children the truth! (sheesh!)<p>So, her "soulmate" is going to bail out when she needs him? (WOW! What a shocker!)<p>These people are nutz! Earth to WS ..... helloooo .... no one's home [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Ignore her as much as possible. Don't engage. People will scream and point the finger of responsibility away from themselves when they hit rock bottom .... her actions have consequences ..... and reality bites.<p>Pepper

I agree with the rest, LHS.<p>Do not go for her finger pointing. She is the responsible party. Her blaming is quite typical, so please don't even give it a second thought. <p>Stay strong in your Plan B. Try your best not to engage in the arguments and her banter. It feeds her blaming feeding frenzy. You don't have to defend yourself, there is nothing to defend. <p>Don't forget that she knows you well, and knows all your buttons, so best thing is to not participate. You'll LB and lose the very little love you have left for her. <p>Keep coming here to vent ... we will be here for you.<p>Jo

LHS,<p>It sounds like reality is starting to interrupt their little love nest. Glad to hear it.<p>However, I note that you are doing something I don't think you should do. I think you need to start to obtain custody of your children. Don't threaten you W with this, just start the process. Frankly, at least two of your children to be given a choice by the courts, and the others will probably also come.<p>Don't sit there until OM and W gets their ducks in a row and then seek custody because they are a "family" and can offer a "father and Mother" home for them. It will happen LHS, your W is in a mess and she will do anything to get out of it. You don't want to hear the proverbial story of the guy who killed his parents and then threw himself on the mercy of the court because he was an orphan. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Meanwhile, don't talk with her anymore. You are in plan B. Personally, i think you did well in your discussion with her. She needs to know that this is HER deal, and her lies, and her mess.<p>Protect your children LHS. The OM is proving to be as big a louse as you thought.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

good grief... why is the OP always the "one thing that made <insert your ws' name here> happy." <p>anyway....how are you maintaining your love for her with all this going on? I struggle with it and my wife is not nearly as antagonistic to me. <p>Keep up the good work!<p>HI

W sent me an email, basically telling me it is over between us and that it is my fault her and OM are not together. She also included a letter that OM sent her. What it boils down to is that they are waiting for the D's to become final, thereby allowing themselves free reign to get together. All I know is that it is going to be an awfully small wedding, not many family members on her side are going to attend.<p>Its at the point where I do not think I can ever forgive W for what she has done to me. I am now going to do everything I can to get custody of my kids and regain my home. Unfortunately, I have signed some papers that may make this hard to do, but I will not stop until I have exhausted every legal means possible. <p>I have pretty much written off any chances of the M ever working out. I gave it my best shot, nothing left to do but to rebuild my life, to rise again from the ashes of my life, like the Pheonix.

LHS,<p>Lot of talk going on right now with emotions. I have only a minute before I have to leave but I just wanted to say, that this is what a dying or A in turmoil feels like. <p>You though don't have to be in turmoil. Let her rant and rave. Put your phone volume on low when she is screaming...... when she is able to speak in a calm and rational tone, then listen. Til then go off and enjoy plan B, the kids and firm up your family. The ride ahead will be rough but you are planted more firm in your resolve. Now your terms can be set. <p>The tide may rise but you will be more stable. <p>Take Care,
L.

Dittos to JL's advice.<p>Start custody proceedings for your children ASAP.

LHS
I haven't ever posted to you before but I have followed your story and the seen the kind advice given to others...<p>Do you own a fog-horn? One of those boat horn might need blown each time your wife speaks such bull...<p>Your wife is a very lost soul right now...naming OM as THE thing that makes her most happy over her children...I hope her head clears soon...<p>Peace to you and your home...<p>and what you said in your other post...
"Something I realized through all of this is that real love takes a lot of work, it takes honesty, commitment (to spouse and family), openness, faithfulness, passion, caring, and many more things. People involved in A's think that their relationship with the OP has all these elements, but in reality, it has none of them that can be sustained."<p>You have become a truly wize man...blessed be you and your children...they are fortunate to have such a Father.
ARK

I'm just going to blow my stack here and then be done with this mess for the day. <p>I re-read the email WS sent me last night and realized that it had an attachment with it, the attachment I dont think WS knows it was there) contained the original letter D sent me (the one I posted) which WS sent to OM, then there was the reply from OM to WS explaining how much he loved WS and MY KIDS and doesnt want to hurt any of them. How I want to post that letter from OM, but I must refrain, this guy is a real player.<p>so BOOM! there, I feel much better. I will have a good day!

I agree with what you are hearing here. The one thing that I would like to add it that you should print the letter from OM if you have not already. You may need it down the road.<p>Hang in there and I will be praying for you and your kids. And please don't respond to her when she tries to talk to you or yell at you. If she calls you ask her what she needs. Any answer other than to reconcile or something to do with the kids, tell her you can not talk and hang up. <p>Let her wallow in what she has done for a while. Things are definately on the downward spiral for her.<p>Hugs
Sinking

LHS: I have been following your story religously lately. I am so sorry for your family's pain (you and your children; your wife deserves her pain). Sorry, that just came out.<p>In any event, I feel the pain in your posts and wish that I could just reach through my computer and give you and your children a great big hug and assure you that in the end everything will be ok. I know that sounds hard to believe, but you are strong and I can see that it will.<p>Yes, you have tried your best and done your part. You can rest easy knowing that you did not give up. Now, focus on you and your children. That's what is important. Let your wife drown in the turmoil she has created for herself and allow her to feel it, and fight through it on her own. You offered to help her above it all and she turned away from your outstrected hand - now, let her see what it's like to do it on her own. <p>You mentioned about going for custody and the house but that there were some papers you had signed that might make it difficult. I would be there are ways around that, especially considering all she has done to you and the kids emotionally. She has neglected you guys and been emotionally abusive not only to you but the children as well. Yes, print off copies of her e-mails. Any messages she leaves you ranting and pointing the finger and/or being negative in any way, keep. They could come in handy one day. As for the papers, heck it problably could be viewed as a breach of contract even on her part. Also, I'm certain the courts will take into consideration what your kids have to say and who they "want" to be with. Keep a journal of everything she does in her interest ignoring the interests of the children. You may not want to use everything, or even any of the "dirt" you can come up with, but keep it just in case. It's better to be prepared then to be caught off guard.<p>Have you thought about giving her the idea of her living in your apartment and you staying at home with the kids? Doesn't sound like she'd really go for it, but just a thought. Then she could have all the freedom she wants with OM, and you can give your kids the stability they long for.<p>I hope some of this helps. Know I send you my strenth to add to yours. Be strong and best to you. I will continue to keep you and your children in my prayers.

LHS,
What can I say? I'm here beside you, different
circumstances, same situation. If your done then
your done, nothing else to say, its been said.
File for custody, your children have already
made that decision for you, they see you for who
you really are. Not just dad anymore, but true
friend to them as well as hero and confidant.
You will forgive her one day, its only natural,
you've lived planA for so long it's now part of
your everyday life.
Throw the letter out, it matters little to any
but WW and OM. Let her tirades flow, as you know
they will, respond in kind by not giving her the
anger/love/sadness/kindness and all the other
feelings and emotions. PlanBx3 now. 180's may be
called into play now, as the gloves have come off
for good(?) Use them, I have and they work, at least
as far as stirring curiousity. WW is wanting to
take a peek now, after hearing off-hand comments
from friends about the new me. Total physical and
mental transformation with an upbeat attitude and
active social life. <p>Not gonna say your going to make it b/c you already have in so many ways.<p>Rus
PS. Not pushing for breakup of your M, try as long
as you feel you can, these are the tools Im using
and was only offering a look at my plan Rus.
Looking back, SingingFast is right, keep letter.
[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: hrtng4lngtimenow ]<p>[ March 14, 2002: Message edited by: hrtng4lngtimenow ]</p>

Another update. W sent me an email, I know I should have ignored it, but didn't. In it, W says that she has promised the kids she wont leave them anymore and that OM has told her to focus on the kids now, they need her. HELLO? what about the last 9 mos, didn't they need you then when you were busy w**ring around with OM? Then, she says that if she has to make this sacrifice for them, she would appreciate it if I wouldn't bad mouth her or OM. SACRIFICE? I didn't know that the kids happiness was considered a sacrifice, at least I didn't think of it that way. I just deleted the letter, nothing more needs to be done with it.<p>Funny how last night she was calling me every name in the book and now she is asking for me to be nice to her. One or the other WS, get off the fence!<p>BTW, I have an appt with an attorney to go over what I can do to get custody of my kids. Wonder if I can get something legally to keep OM away from my kids? I have also set up an appt with IC so I can work through this myself.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong>Wonder if I can get something legally to keep OM away from my kids?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm not a lawyer and I'm not even playing on on the net. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>However, I did just get a no-cohabitation clause written into a modification of my original divorce decree. The judge hasn't signed yet but my attorney thinks it'll fly.

Oh how sad she is (sad as in pathetic). Again, I recommend that you keep these e-mails for ammo if needed. SACRAFICE!?!?!? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Well, I give you credit for not responding because if that were me I problably would have said she doesn't have to sacrafice - just go away. Urgh! Ok, sorry, I know that's counter-productive all around. <p>Anyhow, no matter what, stick to your guns. Go for the custody. As for keeping the OM from them, I'm not certain but I don't believe it's possible unless he poises a threat. You can put boundaries on cohabitation and certain other things that aren't allowed for the mental state of the children, but as for simply being around them, I'm afraid I don't believe so. In any event, check with your attorney as to what you can and cannot accomplish. Regardless of what she says now, and what Wonder Boy encourages her to do - ach [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] - get those children out of that environment as soon as you can. They deserve better than a sacrafice. As a mother that steams the f@&k out of me that she said that. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, keep your cool and stay in control. If anything, it will drive her nuts. You are doing a wonderful job for you and your children. Strength and peace to you. Best always.

Another update.<p>Talked to the atty today, basically nothing I can do right now to gain custody of the kids. Atty says that the only way I can do it is if the kids are either in severe physical or emotional danger. So, maybe I think they are, but as long as they are not being beaten-up, failing school or running away, not much I can do. Also found out that after 6 mos, it only takes one of us to finalize the D, guess who that one will be. WS has really done her homework on this one, wish I hadnt been so stupid to sign the separation papers like I did, didnt think it would go this far. <p>I have said this before, I firmly believe that everything up until know has been planned by WS. But, I also think that the kids finding about them and the reaction they had has completely thrown WS's palns off course. She even told me that she planned on 'integrating' OM into the kids lives slowly so that they could get 'comfortable' with him.<p>W sent me another email at work, I responded by asking her not to contact me at work anymore unless it was an emergency, and then to call the front desk and leave a message with the receptionist and will return her call promptly. She replied with a very 'lady-like' response.<p>I also found out that the kids have counselling appts next week and the C wants to meet me and WS together before hand so she can get an idea of what is going on. Now this ought to be an interesting meeting. I really wonder what W will say, kinda fearful that she is going to attack me (verbally, I hope).<p>Has anyone been in this kind of situation (meeting the C) and any advice on how I should be, what I should say? I would really like to get as many scenarios looked at so that I can be as professional as possible. I dont want to loose it in front of the C.

Hi, <p>Well when we met with the MC, I had my journal ready to show the MC. MC realized that I did not see this as a 'game' and did not intend to mislead the MC. There was emotion shown but also the bad attitude of the WS shined big time. <p>You know the MC are people and will react to bad attitudes. If your W plays the sympathy card, make sure you also show you have been a supportive father. Let the MC know you would have like to be a supportive H but that the WS is trying to replace your position as H and F. Bring your D's letter. <p>Now I have been thinking about why did your W show the D's letter to the OM and then get mad at you? Keep that piece of info as your 'ace' up your sleeve. <p>I saved some questions, even wrote them down to ask infront of the MC. The questions that were legit that the WS refused to answer in private. I stated that I need to ask these questions (make sure you really do) and then I read them so that there was nothing missed. <p>Look and act prepared but not vindictive. Give your children reassurances of your love. <p>Even though the law may appear to be on her side for now, it is not a permanent thing. You may be surprised how it will turn out. <p>Not to get your hopes up but don't want you to give up either. <p>L.

O-<p>I appreciate you response. I have printed out everything the WS and D have sent me. The letter WS sent me yesterday (that started this whole thread) has a statement that says "I am afraid that I will always hold some resentment towards my kids for preventing me from loving or being loved" There are also some lines in OM's letter that really show how messed up thier relationship is. D's letter is also has a lot of things in it that show what the effects of the A have had on them.<p>I will definetly bring these to the C session and use them as a last resort, but I do believe it is important for the C to see how much damage this has caused. I think W will try and sugar coat this whole thing, stating that the kids really didnt suffer as much as everyone says. But, I think as time goes on and the C begins to hear what the kids have to say, the full effect of the damage W has caused will become crystal clear. <p>I hate to have it be like this, but W brought this on all of us, none of us asked for this, we were forced into it. Now its time to get my kids the help they need. I truly hope that someday W realizes what she has done, I think she is still living in a fantasy world.