Hello everyone:<p>I was posting several messages on a "Just found out..." room. My nickname was Tanya Beall.<p>After my husband's affair on the Internet I stronly believe that God sees everything and that he is on my side.
It seems strange but as soon as I found out about the affair that woman were diagnosed with leukemia. It is seems logical that if a person tries to destroy many times what God put together (marriage) than God will just punish that person.
I found out that the woman almost broke some another marriage couple years ago.
Now she is in a hospital with a chemotherapy.
My husband still loves her, writes Emails to her and going to go to see her sometime in a hospital.
He says he cann't leave her now when she is ill and dying.
I feel hurt anyway when he writes her love letters. I have been trying to improve our marriage and meet my husbands needs for a last week and he likes that changes. But I become too sad sometimes when he writes her and hide it from me.
It means that there is something to hide.
Then I don't feel much like working on our marriage.
Do you think that since she is ill and dying I should not think about my husband loving her and that I should not be too sad about it?
Should I just say to myself that she can have the love of my husband at the end of her life?
Of cause I don't know how long she will live - months or years.<p>I just red the book of dr. Harley "His needs her needs". It is kind of different from what suggested on this website. He says : "I urge wives in particular to take a hard, independent line and be willing to separate from their husbands temporarily until they can solve this matter together. Whatever they do, they must make it clear to the straying spouse that they will not put up with this" ..."I use an iron-clad rule that the straying spouse must stop making any contact with his or her lover immediately and never see or talk to that person again".
Then how does this correlate with the plan A ?
It seems to me that Dr.Harley in this book doesn't accept plan A in the situation when husband doesn't want to stop all contacts with his lover. He says :"When a spouse is unwilling to break all contact with his/her lover, the betrayed spouse must prepare for what could become a lengthy separation."
Also I red somewhere here on the website that usually an affair finishes in about 6 months after it is discovered. But dr. Harley says that " the straying spouse rarely falls out of love with the ex-lover. The feelings lie dormant ready to snap back as soon as they're reacquainted".
Do you think that affair really dies sometime?<p>I immagine a marriage to be a calm and happy place. But if always there is a danger for restoring an affair then is it worthy to keep it for so much hurt and saddness?<p>My husband brought me a book to reed about "open marriage" and he hopes that I might accept the marriage where affairs are allowed. But this is exactly not what I want in life.
He understands me but who knows how he really will live and will he want to build a close traditional marriage. I just hope but I really don't know.
He says he didn't plan to leave me for a dying woman and that he wants us to stay together.

Sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. An open marriage - that is no marriage in my book. It may be difficult for him to desert her right now because of her health status. If I were in that situation though, my hubby would be out the door. There would be no way I could face him knowing that he has ripped my heart out and is willing to keep on doing it. How heartless. Her dying so that you get him back won't bring you much peace either. You'll always wonder if he came back because he wanted you or because his other alternative deceased. Are you going to hold his hand and comfort him at her funeral?!?!

Plan A and the quoted text are in agreement. <p>Plan A is meant to be a short term time in which the BS is working to accomplish three things, the first is to start learning/implementing the MB concepts (meeting EN's, no love busters, and following the four rules). The BS also is attempting to get a no-contact agreement from the WS and to get the WS to agree to work on the marriage.<p>While there are some people here who have been in plan A for a very long time, few people can do it for more then a few weeks... it's very hard. And yes, in plan A you do draw a line in the sand. If the WS does not agree to no-contact and working on the marriage, then you move on to Plan B. <p>IMHO it's hogwash that your H has to keep in contat with her because she is dying. For one thing, how is that going to help her soul? You have no responsiblity for her, her illness, her death, or her happiness. Through his actions, you H is forcing you to participate in her emotional care at you expense. Don't buy into it.<p>By the way, your statement that she is ill because it's God's payback for her sins. This just does not hold up. Too many good people get ill. What does that point of view say about them?<p>Illness is more the luck of the draw, then it is devine punishment. I bring this up because while I know there is some satisfaction in thinking that she is getting her payback, it can hurt you to think along these lines.<p>The healthiest way to treat the OW is to realize that she is nothing to you. It is not a competition between the two of you. Set your boundaries, if your H will not live within them, then let him go (Plan B). Perhaps one day soon he will come to his senses, but get on with your life either way. Plan A is the first step of the rest of your life. It's not about OW and not about your H, your life is about YOU.

Hi, guys:<p>Thank you very much for your advises.
I have come to a decision and I already told about it to my husband.
I am giving him 1 week to finish his contacts with that woman. He can go and see her in a hospital if he wants to. But after 1 week if he will not decide to stop contacting her then we should separate until he really wants to work on our marriage and leave that woman along.
We were going to go to a ski trip in 1.5 week. But I don't want to go if he will contact that woman from there. I don't want to be hurt on my rest. So, I said him that I will go with him only if he agrees about no phone calls or Emails to that woman during time when he is with me.<p>Do you think I got a right decision?<p>I think that would be better for my soul.

I have one more question about plan B.
I red that it should be a complete separation.
My husband says that he would call me often and also he would see our child often. But how then a complete separation would work? He would talk to me and see me when he sees the child. What should I say him when he calls?
And do I really allow him to see our child?