Okay, so maybe it's me....but I seem to think that my husband has a major problem with sexual addictions. I love to make love and have passionate sex just as much as the next person -- but when it gets taken to the level of 4 physical affairs within a 7 year marriage mixed with internet cybersex, videocam sex, phone sex, etc., I'm starting to think there HAS TO BE A PROBLEM HERE! I like to flirt myself and have engaged in phone sex at one time...my husband and I have also made love while watching adult movies. However, this seems to be somewhat of a "need" for him on almost a constant basis. He says he loves me yet says "something is missing" in our marriage which drives him to do these things...as if he has no control. Sorry, but I for one do not buy that story. I believe that everyone has 100% control over what they do, the choices they make, and yep even where their own parts may roam! He has yet to identify in the past 3 years what "is missing" in our marriage. He says he can't...he doesn't know what it is. Is he a sexual addict or am I missing something here? What, if anything, can I do to help fulfill what he seems to be missing?? I want our marriage back to the way it used to be...NORMAL! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I agree with you, there's a problem. Me thinks it’s two prong….<p>A sexual addiction on the part of your husband and a deteriorated marriage. So you would need a two-pronged approach for handling this.<p>Fist let’s talk about the sexual addiction… some people will argue that it is not an addiction but just plain bad behavior. Well, it’s not quite like an heroin addiction but it is behavior that some people have a hard time breaking because it is meeting a basic need for them. They do not feel loved/lovable, probably never have. The sexual interaction makes them feel loved for the moment but it is not long, sometimes only hours before they feel down again. I suggest that you start by reading the book “Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction” by Patrick Carnes, Ph. D. It’s a real eye opener. He has a series of books and a workbook for helping people heal. <p>As for your marriage, I suggest you start by reading “Surviving an Affair”. That book will lay out a road map for your marital recovery. But you need to realize that your marriage cannot heal, unless you are ready to accommodate his behavior, until he stops the sexual acting out.<p>I also suggest that you read the books on the web site www.devorcebusting.com. The material on DB works very well, IMHO, with the MB material<p>I wish you all the luck. And you need some {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} to, I’m sure.

My husband says the exact same thing - "he's missing something" so he seeks it with other women. I don't know how many affairs he's had -- but one cost him his job (and yet he again gets involved with a woman, or possibly women, from work). <p>When I found out about the most recent OW (he later admitted to having more affairs, but will not, or cannot, tell me how many), I exploded and threw him out of the house. After I did that, I regretted it and begged him to come back for about a week. Then I let go and backed off -- I didn't contact him unless I had to because of the kids and when I did, I tried not to talk about anything else. When I did that, he was able to see a bit more clearly and decided he wanted to come home. At first I wouldn't let him, but after a week antagonizing over the decision, I allowed him to return.<p>I also believe he has a sexual addiction. He will not admit to it and I have stopped pushing it. However, he has finally agreed to get some professional help -- something in the past he has adamently refused to do. He has also admitted that he does have some kind of problem and that he never finds what he is looking for and wants to stop this behavior. He has also *finally* taken responsibility for his actions -- he doesn't try to blame me in a round about way and he doesn't say he just can't help himself. <p>I don't think there is anything you can do to fill the empty place in your husband. I believe the first step is for him to recognize *he* has a problem and then he needs to have the desire to rectify it. <p>I'm sorry I don't have much advise to offer. But we are in a very similiar situation, which seems to be more unique than most of the people who post here. My e-mail address is dedex13@yahoo.com if you'd like to e-mail me.

Angel.....Lets get one thing straight here. It's not you that is making him do these things. It is totally him. I know because I am a recovering (very early stages) sex addict. Your story has a lot of similarities that mine does. My wife and I had a great sex life and a great marriage but I still sought out sex on the internet (pornagraphy,cyber sex, cams...etc.) and had affairs. The book that Zorweb suggested is one of the best books I have read. When I read the book it was such an eye opener. It actually scared the living day lights out of me. My wife had been talking to me about my needing to get some sort of help but until the one that has the addiction admits he has a problem then all you can do is pray for him to come out of the fog.<p> A sexual addiction is really worse than a drug or alcohol addiction because sex is a natural part of yourself. There are many famous people who have a problem but it is not known because a sex addiction is not accepted very well in todays society. <p> I suggest three things for your husband.<p> 1. Read the book. It will open his eyes as to what is really wrong and maybe he will see just how destuctive he is being to himself and his family. Then read "Don't call it love" by patrick carnes. It gets more in depth of what sex addiction is.<p> 2. Get counseling from someone who treats people with a sex addiction problem. This will help him find the cause of how he got to this point.<p> 3. Find a sexaholics anonymous group. This was probably the best thing that I found because it showed me that other people had the problems I did and that I could recover from it.<p>Like I said I have only been in the program for a couple of months but I already can tell a huge difference in how I look at sex and how bad my acts have hurt all the people around me especially my wife who I adored soooo much but have driven away from me because I chose to be unfaithful.<p> Hopefully your husband will see the light. If you have any more questions about it all I will be more than happy to answer them. I will include my e-mail address so you or your husband can e-mail me if you want. Tell your husband it is scary to admit it but once you take the first step then life is much more fulfilling when you start discovering who we really are.<p> You are in my prayers because I know what my wife has gone through.<p> Love In Christ<p> cajunky<p>cajunky@yahoo.com<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

cajunky <p>It's good to hear some real life insight into Carnes books. <p>We read a couple of them right after d-day. STL's problem was not necessarily a sexual addiction as it's not something he dealt with all his life. But his 2.5 year affair stint sure was looking like one. I'm sure that sometimes the problem arises as a reaction to other problems/stressors in life. <p>I would also advise that angelsendslove read the books. They actually have a lot in them for the spouse. If nothing understanding what is going on and what it will take to over come the problem can help the BS either decide to leave or make an educated decision to help their spouse recover.