I have been a long time lurker on this forum. Long story short. My H. had a short A years ago, before MB. A friend's husband had an affair more recently and I went to these boards to learn. Have found it helpful for my marriage too.
So today I post because something came up this weekend. A woman Express mailed her computer to my H. to fix for her. He said that he told her "She didn't trust anyone but him to fix it for her." He told me about the groups that he writes to and she is one of the many that he has communicated with. I never really checked up on who he corresponds with.
But this just doesn't feel right to me. I asked my husband for her email address and I wrote, asking what kind of friendship do you have with my H? [He said that she was a casual friend like Jim but not as close.]
This is her reply.
...Regarding your question about how "close" of a friend I consider [my H's name]. Well, I think of him as a very good friend. He is a confidant in my personal matters. Translation: I turn to him for relationship advice, job advice, family advice, that sort of thing. I also view [my H's name] as somewhat as a father figure and postive male role model. I never really had a father; I look up to [H's name] for who he is...<p>Before she wrote to me she wrote to my husband about my email. H. forwarded her email to me. So I wrote back. Thanked her for her straight forward reply. I wrote that I know that my husband is easy to confide in--men and women both find it easy to talk with him--but he was not her father. He was my husband. I told her that she should probably find someone else to confide in and good luck with her computer. This message was cced to my H.
I already posted on ow board with this question as I thought they might shed some light and got some good feedback. Some said that I was too controling. I thought that I was being honest.
What would you think of this situation? How should I have handled it?
BTW my husband and I have been talking. He was surprised--he said--by her take on their friendship. He said that he will write to her about this--now it will be just a political discussion.
Irony

hmmmm....<p>I'm not an expert, but I wanted to reply somehow.<p>He had an A years ago...well, thats not going to help build his case unfortunately.<p>It may be she sees more into this than he does...I know that i kind of crave male attention and protection alot of the time...women love to have close male friends...but this can be dangerous and IS dangerous when either is married. You dont sound contolling to me, just wanting to pick up on something early.<p>Your H sounds reasonably honest...gee...I really dont know what to say, I can see it going either way...<p>He now knows your suspicious but is trying to prove himself clean, which he could be.<p>You may have to wait on this one. How did his affair recover?<p>I hope others come along soon 4 u.<p>Dancer

To clarify last post. She told him that she didn't trust anyone but him to fix her computer.

To Dancer,
I am very intuitive. My husband has never been intuitive. He is literal and sometimes I have to explain the nuances to him. He seemed genuinely surprised by her reply and I don't think that he is good an actor.
The earlier A lasted about 6 months--about nine years ago He told me about it and ended it. We have had a very good relationship since then. He gave me the email address without protest. She wrote back to him instead of me and he forwarded me what she wrote. I wrote to her, she wrote to me and I wrote to her one last time.
Right now I'm thinking that both are innocent of any real wrong doing but I think that it could lead to something very inappropriate. Right now its just a friendshp but I think that she is getting too attached. Anyway that is my take right now.
Irony

There is no way to tell from this if there is anything going on. But… this is how affairs get started. It is inappropriate for a woman to be confiding in a married man. <p>I think that what you did is fine. Actually, you did exactly what I did do… read my profile below to see what I found when I spoke to all 30 of the women on my H’s IM buddy list. I told each an every one of the women that we were married and to never contact him or us again. They all tried but by then he had promised no-contact and kept to it.<p>As for the people who told you that you are too controlling. Yea, that’s what I would expect. Except, if it is their man. I’m sure that they are now wise enough to know what leads to affairs, being involved themselves. Wanna bet that in their relationships they will be very careful?

Was this woman going to pay your h for his work? I’d be furious if my H did any free work for any woman outside of a very small group of mutual friends and family.<p>Did your H say why he was surprised on her take? That can be interpreted many ways. Perhaps he had no idea she thought they had such a strong relationship going. Or maybe he’s surprise she thinks of him as a father figure, cause he thought it was more then that. Not trying to cause trouble here, but I would want to ask more about his surprise.<p>If there is nothing wrong with their relationship, then there should be nothing wrong with you being her friends to. Or at least be privy to their email/chat exchanges.<p>To help rebuild his trustworthiness with me, my H installed monitoring software on his computers. He also agreed to not chat with any woman other then me, his daughters, sisters and his mother. He also gave to the passwords to all of his accounts and computers.<p> As for your H discussing this with her. I would advise that it be a very short conversation about he’s sorry that there was a misunderstanding. And I think that you should be there for it. <p>Any woman beyond the age to 10 should know that one does not use another’s husband for favors of any kind.

Barbie,<p>Yes, I agree she seems to be taking this 'friendship' more seriously...women do. But I wonder what you can suggest to your H, other than him talking to her 'about it', that could get him to ease off their communication. Is it necessary? Does he think youre overeacting? What will he say to her...can you be there when he communicates to her? I guess he needs to watch what he says in the future...limit his conversation to business only...not personal. To be honest, I dont think there is any reason in the world why a woman who needs to talk cant find another woman to talk with...this is the safest way.<p>Dancer

"Some said you might be too controling"? Oh nooo, I don't agree with that at all. You know, sometimes we just can't win. If we have "clues" and don't immediately act on them, due to trust & faith, we are accused of being in denial, heads in the sand, just don't care, don't want to rock the boat. If we act on that "clue", that "gut-feeling" we are said to be too controling, keeping him on a leash, a jailer or warden. Can't win but you have to do what's right for you. <p>I don't see your actions as controling at all. I see them as actions of a woman that loves her H, and is protective of her marriage. You have been on this nasty rollercoaster in the past and don't choose to ride this ride again. Can't blame you for that! You've learned about relationships and about inappropriate "friendships". And gut feelings. And when that feeling hits, we know now it's time for a talk, we know now to act on it. Before it's too late.

Dancer: you are correct. He thought that I over reacted about the computer. But he now says I was right that she thought more about this friendship than he did. And he doesn't know why the friendship can't continue. I don't care if they limit it to their talks about business and politics. Really, I don't want to police my husband but I want him to know how easily some women can form attachments to men and how easily heartache can be caused by these attachments sliding into something else.
Zorweb: I have always read your posts. You sound like an incrediably strong woman who knows how to set boundries. I like the way your husband tries to give you peace of mind. That's the way my husband was after A but somehow he thinks that this friendship is different. Not so easy to convince him because he is very logical and tries so hard to be "nonemotional" All discussions have to be directed to his logic. But I am emotional and... Just let me say that these point--counterpoint discussions with my husband are difficult.
Nerycrzy,
Thanks for the suppport. I'm going to use these posts to discuss with my husband. It helps to get other people's points of view. I know that my email to this woman may have sounded harsh but I was trying to be direct and honest as she was.
You know I think that society as a whole encourages these kinds of friendships--we must be controlling of our spouses but then look how many marriage failures there are. Maybe we should be more protective of marriage relationships.
Irony

Red flags galore!!!<p>I also would question his surprise at her remarks....I think there is more to this, particularly because he still wants to talk to her. <p>I have also had the unpleasant task of telling my H about inappropriate behaviour from women he knows, but he would ignore my comments, make light of them, tell me I was controlling and a nag. And yet......I was right. The OW he is with now, he was warned about, long before a relationship. I could see the predator in her eye.<p>Now you can't see this woman, but you are hearing her loud and clear. If I were you, I would set some firm boundaries.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky