I've woken up the last two mornings disgusted with the person my WW has become in my eyes. The fact that she met someone in a dance club.. both knew the other was married, but she slept with him (without protection) the second or third time she saw him. Disregard for protection (hers or mine), disregard of feelings (OM's W or Mine), she admits she never really knew him before the had sex, AND the fact they had sex in the living room of another friend's apartment with them in the other room. All this just sickens me when I think of it. Pastis past I know. But it just makes me wonder if I want to be married to her. <p>We are working on recovery and both of us have made so much progress. I have faced the facts a few times, and I though I had come to terms with it. Just it has been in my thoughts a bit more lately. I know from your other threads how you disassociate the act with emotions. But how can I deal with the fact that I feel the act she did was morally disgusting. I think she still thinks it romantic or something. She regrets the consquences, but not the act. <p>I feel she doesnt deserve me sometimes... admittedly all her efforts are going to sorting through her own issues, and not much is left for me. Im sure it took a lot of her willpower and strength not to talk to the OM but ARGH .. sigh maybe its just because I havent gone to the gym in a few days and I have a lot of pent up energy I need to release. Divorce sounds good sometimes. But logistics of it are so horrible. <p>-HI

Not sure if I've learned enough to help yet but this is what worked for me when dealing with my feelings about my WW. I used to think about them alot and get this mental images of what they did. I too had the same feelings you have about if I even wanted WW after what she did and how could she??!! I found that talking and confinding in my sister and letting those feelings out helped. Also, I had to try my hardest not to think about what WW did anymore. Don't know if that is the right thing to do but I had to really fight those thoughts. I had to remind myself that when it comes down to it, she probably doesn't feel much remorse for it and feels justified in doing what she did. I came to the resolve that I will never get the response I want to hear from her as to the A. And that's okay...as long as the A is over and all contact with OM has ceased. I had to come to grips that she made a mistake but hey....she is here with me not the OM. small one for me. I also pray when I start feeling the way you do sometimes and turn the radio to christian music and try hard to think of happy things and the rebuilding. <p>Hope this helps [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>thoughts and prayers,
hopenden

hopenden:
Thanks for the reply.. I'm being a bit ungreatful I guess, because some of the others on here I consider my friends are in much worse circumstances. <p>I've done those things and thought those thoughts. I wonder if I stuffed them away or pushed the feelings aside too often. Maybe I should face it? Did I.. can I ever really accept it if she doesnt show remorse instead of just depression at her life.<p>Im doing what I am doing in plan A for myself. but when she says things like her whole life sux except her job. Makes me wonder if someone else would appreciate my love notes, massages, cleaning cooking and providing a ever a LITTLE more. I guess Ill tell myself to shutup and deal with it now since I probably have not yet made up for the years of the enviroment of mutual neglect I helped contribute to before the A. Im probably just getting a taste of my own medicine eh? Though crap Im feeling with her neglect + her A seems to me 10x worse then the horrible feelings she must have felt by me ignoring her the years before.<p>I guess there isnta cosmic scoreboard or even an internal one I should be using.<p>bleh<p>maybe I just need to start on anti-depressants....<p>-HI

Hello HangingIn -<p>My story is not the same as yours, but there are very similar core issues, no matter what. <p>In your case it was someone she knew very little, in my case it was her first love. Either way does not really make anything "better" or "worse" in my opinion.<p>I, too, have been struggling through the issue of why I want to stay - here is the thread http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014714<p>It was helpful for me, but I have been wavering back and forth myself. I started reading a book called "The Monogamy Myth" by Vaughn and I think it has helped me quite a bit. I am just sorry it took me so long to read it. I have seen it suggested here before, but never actually went and got it. I wish I had months ago. You may want to give it a try.

JABH.
Thanks for the reply... But I think a big part of what is getting me though IS the fact it was someone she didnt know. I dont know maybe im taking the moral highground here and just being stupid but it sickens me she can just go out and screw some guy from a nightclub after meeting him. It makes me feel more vulnerable too since she it doesnt have to be someone "special" apparently. I'll read your linkit may help me ease some of my apprehnetion and renew my strength in why i want to stay, but.. maybe I just have to stop thinking so much.

I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to be the one that has been hurt by their selfish decision. I'm not sure how to get past it really. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

HangingIn there are 2 types of situations. Sex without feelings -vs- feelings with or without sex. From the reading I've done here and elsewhere, emotional attachments are harder to break. They both her us BS's the same way though.<p>I do understand your feelings of vulnerability since it wasn't someone she had emotional attachments too. Have you ever asked her why she did it? If so how did she answer? Are you and she in any type of counseling? <p>Past is past is nothing more than hollow words when the past is affecting the here and now. My D-day was June 16, 2001 and I am still dealing with it and in fact I think I'll still be dealing with it, on some level, for the rest of my life.<p>You say she is sorting through her own issues right now and that is probably for the best because it was HER issues that caused this and only she knows what those issues are.<p>Remember, she is living in a fog now and deal with her on that level. Do your best plan A and try to be strong. I'll keep you both in my prayers.

TD;
I got the worst of both. it started out as just PA, but grew to EA as well... She started physically with OM during our engagement and later emotional/feelings grew.. the "declared" love for each other after she married me. go figure. feeling a little used here.<p>She says her morals are just not the same as mine. well thats for sure. But I dont know if they are her real morals, because this is not the person she told me she was before I proposed. If this is who she WANTS to be then I dont want to be maried to her. Am I wrong in saying that?

Hangingin,<p>IMHO, sounds like she misrepresented herself in terms of her moral beliefs. I don't think you are bad or wrong for feeling you were duped ... Altho, you do want to remember she is still in Fog-ville, she could be saying these are her true morals as an excuse, to help herself with the guilt. <p>Hang in there.<p>Jo

Thanks Jo....
I guess least I can do is what I asked her to do when I was desperate...just sit tight for a year and see what comes of things right?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HangingIn:
Thanks Jo....
I guess least I can do is what I asked her to do when I was desperate...just sit tight for a year and see what comes of things right?<hr></blockquote><p>Sure, but in the meantime, what are you doing for YOU?<p>Jo

Me... well Im trying to work on myself, I've made some good strides. Im working with IC, addressing my ADD with counseling and meds, half heartedly looking for a new job, working out daily, going to church (though admittedly with W), looking for more hobbies other than running and the gym. My plans to join the local rugby team were foiled because I cant do contact sports for 2 months since I had laser vision corection.. oh well.
Despite it all I DO worry if I take up too much and I am not there to reassure her, in my wife's state of depression and/or lonelyness she would seek out the OM again.. i guess I cant worry about it forever..<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>