that everytime I brag about how great my world is going I run smack dab into a boulder in the way? Last night hubby and I got into a big argument. It sucked, he even went so far as to yell "I don't want to be married to you, why can't you just get that!?" Now, I know that was emotion and he didn't mean it. Later he held me tight and said how wrong it was and that he promises he will never say that to me again. However, it hurt and now I'm a bit uneasy about life today.<p>Ok, let me try to keep this short but with all the info. necessary. Thing is that hubby thought I was with OM yesterday at lunch time. I was was a girlfriend, but he said he doesn't think she exists (he's never met her, but I will soon try to change that). So, I tried to talk to him about it and then I mentioned something that was said earlier that made me feel bad about myself. Well, he took that as an attack and the fireworks began. I don't even remember all of what was said. I do remember us talking about how he is insecure about every man in a room that I am in. How do I help him with that? I mean I do all I can to make him see I am happy and want to be with him. I don't go out of my way to talk to someone else. But, he seems to think I do sometimes. <p>Ok, the good of it, after we were done being children and yelling and bringing in things to argue about that had no point, we talked. So, that was good. He commented that I always point out his faults. I expressed that I'm not pointing out his faults, but simple talking about things that have an effect on my feelings. That in therapy we learned that we are supposed to be able to "TALK" to eachother about things that hurt, upset, bother us. We are supposed feel safe to do that. Then, what I did next was probably the wrong way to do it, and I knew it, but I did it. The other day I had printed off the Emotion Needs, Love Busters, and Recreational worksheets. Yesterday I started filling them out. There really wasn't anything negative I could think of to attribute to my husband. Sure, he's not perfect, and at times can upset or annoy me, but not enough to stick in my mind. So, I went into the other room, got my sheets out and tossed them to him. I said "if all I can do is point out your faults then how did I come up with these results? This is what I truly feel; this is what I really think. Know what, I couldn't come up with anything really negative, nothing that stuck in my mind." He told me I need to tell him about things like this and that I want to do these things. I said I was going to tonight. He read some of it and asked me to come by him to hold me. So, event though my way of doing it could have been seen as negative and somewhat of a LB, it didn't work that way, it turned out to be very positive. I expressed how wonderful I think he is and how I think alot of my fault was due to the fact that I just wasn't prepared for life. That now I have a clearer view on the world and that I am not going to make the same mistake. He mentioned how he is having a hard time with the fact that things are different. That when we went to the alter who we'd been with prior to eachother didn't matter at all, but now that I've been with another man during my marriage it's different. I told him that I realize that things will never be totally the same, but that in some aspects they still can and I want that for us. So, anyhow, the night ended well with good conversation. However, he did say that there are things we haven't even touched on, but I guess that's for another days topic. He said that he just wants to be my one and only - well, I expressed that he was and reminded him that I did that the other day too, just out of the blue. I told him the other day (just 'cause) how wonderful he is, how much I love him, how handsome I think he is, and that he is all I ever want. I thought it would be good to hear just 'cause instead of being brought on by conversations like last night. He acknowledged all my efforts and said I am doing a great job.<p>I guess when I look at the whole picture this way, it was a good night after all. I woke up sick this morning though. I had a bad dream that he left me. He held me tight and told me he'll never leave me (when I told him about the dream). We took a shower together this morning and he asked me if everything is going to be ok. I told him I want it too. He agreed he does too. However, I am having a rough day this morning. I hate being away from his side. It's a beautiful day outside and after last night I just wish I could be outdoors and spend the whole day with my husband (and son). My day just can't go by fast enough. I cried when I left him this morning. I guess that's actually a good thing too.<p>Oh well, enough rambling. This turned out longer than I had planned, but for those who are still reading, thanks for listening. I just needed to get some things out. I guess I'm just looking for a little boost and some encouragment that the light I saw yesterday is still there and not an illusion. Thank you all for being there for me. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I did not get through your entire post... did get to the lunch thingy. This is about rebuilding trust. The way to rebuild trust is to be radically honest and have no privacy. What does this mean?<p>Call him before you leave for work. Say I'm going to lunch with 'her name'. We are going to "xyz rest.". I'll have my cell with me so call me if you want to.<p>I know that this will feel restrictive, but it will take time. My H travels a lot. I've asked him to always have his cell with him. Why? <p>Because he lied to me about dinner and lunch dates. Would tell me things like 'my students are taking me out to dinner to pick my brain." Later I found out it was a date.<p>If he is traveling and it’s dinnertime and I call and he does not answer start going down hill. On the other hand if he answers the phone and we exchange 3 words. That's all the assurance I need. The three words are "I love you." You seen in my feeble little mind I'm sure that he would not say that out loud in front of a date.<p>I know, I know, we BS’s are impossible. But that’s what we need, reassurance that we are not going nuts. And help with keeping our minds from making up all sorts of crazy things. IMHO it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give your H right now – peace of mind so that he can heal.<p>Hope this helps.

Zorweb: Oh, I understand these things. Ok, so I didn't call him before I left. He's usually hard to get ahold of at work. He knew I had to go to the bank (he asked me to) and my friend had called about a half hour prior to lunch to see if I had plans. So, she went with me and we grabbed McDonalds for lunch (all within walking distance of our building). In any event, he did call me on my cel. I answered on the second ring (long enough to pull it out of my purse and open it to answer - not long enough to take in who's calling and tell someone to hush). In any event, I was in a great mood, glad to hear his voice and you could hear that. He got short when he found out I was away from the office, hurried off for a work related call, but I did get in an I love you. So, I covered 2/3 of what you said. However, thanks for sharing these things. I do take this into consideration. I try to let him know what I am doing and when, and I keep my phone with me so he can reach me. Sometimes he just has that nagging feeling that says "guard yourself". Guess I can't totally blame him. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I think the problems happen because we BS automatically notice and think of these things, like the lies about dinner and lunch dates that Z spoke of, and when it is not as uppermost in the mind of the WS as it is in ours, then we feel like they don't understand or care about what we went through during the A or what we may be going through currently as a result of it--like they're glossing over the seriousness of it. When the WS doesn't perceive a situation the way the BS does AS SOON AS or BEFORE the BS does, then we feel betrayed again.<p>I've said it before, but I think erring on the side of overdoing it with the reassurances and extraordinary precautions is the best path to take. If it's ever too overboard, I'm sure the BS will let the WS know that it is okay to take it down a notch. It's when that mindfulness is inadequate that we have problems.<p>With this in mind, I'm pointing out that I think this is the most notable sentence in your original post, tutter:<p>he did say there are things that we haven't even touched on<p>I'm giving you a heads-up on this because to me that is the most telling thing I read about where your H is. Don't wait for him to bring it up again. You will make bonus points for being the first to go back to this statement and open it up for discussion.<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Thanks Conqueror. I will keep in mind what you said at the end, and I will give us some time to relish in what we learned and accomplished last night first. As for feeling what he feels, I have to say that I try a lot to let him SEE that I do. I have gained a lot of insight and knowledge from the point of a BS over the last 8 months of our rebuilding to really FEEL his feelings, and I'm not shy about letting him know that I feel his pain and understand his feelings. Even if there are things I see differently I make certain I acknowledge the reality of his view without pushing my way. I also acknowledge that even though I may not see it that way, I CAN see and understand how he does. Thanks for the thoughts and for taking the time to respond. Again, your key point at the end makes a lot of sense and I will be certain to keep that in mind.