4 years after my affair and my husband still is angry. We have had counseling. I am truly sorry that I did it, but I am ready to stop beating myself up over it and move on. Our marriage was a mess and I did something I regret. He still everytime we have an arguement calls me a liar and dishonest. Perhaps I should just wear a scarlet A on my chest????? I am tired of feeling like I have no say in what we do because I did this horrible thing. I am tired of being this person I want to go back to being me.

Have you had counseling? After my H's affair with my former best friend, our marriage could have never survived without it. Also, we did a lot of reading. Have you read Torn Asunder? For me, it did the best job of explaining why I had to express my feelings and have my ?s honestly answered in order to heal. Perhaps your H never expressed his true feelings in the beginning and they are bothering him more now.<p>You mentioned that he calls you a liar. Did you lie to him about the A? If so, it's harder to get over. That for me was the worst part. I told my H that I HAD to know the truth before I could be intimate with him again. He looked me in the eyes and promised he had NEVER been with another woman. When in truth, he had taken her in MY bed. <p>It's a very hard place to be in. I'm glad you are still together. It may be time for you to go back to counseling, or start if you haven't. It's almost impossible to get over an affair without outside help.<p>Do you show your H how much you love him? Treasure him? That will help him to feel more secure. Good luck

The first step is to be sure you have done everything you could possibly do to help your H recover from your A. Torn Asunder, as maggierose suggests, is a good book as well as Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair. Make sure you have left no stone unturned in the recovery process.<p>IF all of that has been done, Dr. Harley has specific advice for responding to spouses who use the past A as a bludgeoning device, but I would not implement that unless and until you are certain you have fulfilled all of your responsibilities in regard to marital recovery first.<p>Something important to keep in mind: You can be you regardless of what your H is doing or saying, can't you? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Remember you can validate yourself.<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Earlier I wrote:<p>Flashbacks, nightmares, pain after 3 years
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=006193<p>Your BS's D-day is a year more than mine, there's obviously something unresolved for the anger to remain, from a BS's opinion. Took counselling to bring out what was behind my anger, switching through 3 therapists until one we stuck with.<p>Initially, my W also felt she was or should be wearing the proverbial "Scarlet A" from realizing her poor choice to what I'm sure were some cold cutting remarks on my part. Not until my bitter tongue was sweetened and I could communicate in a non-hostile, hurting way did the road to recovery begin. (I have a separate problem I need to deal with, but we're getting there.)