This is really long, so sorry!<p>I am trying to figure out if my husband had an affair or not and would like all of your opinions, please! Okay, to begin with (please don't hate me, I did enough of that for all) I had an affair back in 1995. I admitted to him the day I had sex with my guy friend (one time only) and that was the end of it (the affair and the friend). I do not want to go in to detail about that right now, but will later if anyone is curious. Of course we went through all the terrible emotions and still do! <p>We have been married for 20 years now, I am 37 and he is 38. My husband was my only sexual partner I had (until 95); I was his fifth or so. <p>Well, last summer he started going out ALL the time with his married male co-worker. Who just happens to have affairs on his wife. He was also working out and watching what he was eating. Then he started treating me BADLY, mean to the kids and me. Not showing ANY affection whatsoever, UGH! He would be in bed watching T.V and when I came in to go to bed he would turn his back to me. He always stayed in the bedroom with the door closed. As soon as he came home from work, he ate dinner and went straight into the bedroom. Unless of course if he went out. He ignored any house repairs and once even quit mowing the lawn half way through took a shower and left with an attitude about who knows what! So, he basically ignored us. Some Sundays he would leave in the morning and not return until nighttime, he NEVER told me where he was going. He would pick a fight with me and leave. It would be something trivial and he would act so pissed off and just walk out the door. One night after coming home from who knows where and he had been drinking again (which he NEVER drank like that since he was 20 years old) he said, &#8220;I don&#8217;t even want to be with you, I don&#8217;t! I haven&#8217;t for a long time. That&#8217;s why I don&#8217;t rub your back or feet. It isn&#8217;t even good anymore (I said, what&#8217;s not good), he said being with you. You act like I can fake it or something. He said it is like rub my back, rub my feet, I don&#8217;t even want to be with you! You should know, you can read everybody else so good! Another time, he had been to her work and had came home and told me he needed space. Next day told me I am suffocating him. I remember being so sad and lonely. Also, I have ALL of this written down. I started it after he started going out every other day most weeks, seriously! <p>So, I planted a tape recorder in his truck one evening when he was at his co-workers house. On the tape his co-worker ask why is there a blanket in the truck, my husband said well I can tell you that some sex was involved. His coworker said not with Heather though? My husband said, "No, I did not see Heather". He didn't say, no I have never slept with Heather or What, are you kidding. (I do NOT know a Heather and it is NOT my name). Also, he had gone up to her work that night alone (before the tape) when he said, &#8220;I didn&#8217;t see Heather&#8221;. He does not go to bars alone! He later told me she does not work on Wednesdays and this was a Wednesday! He also said later she was there but he did not talk to her. (BTW, the blanket was there from us using it).
I woke him up after listening to the tape (he had been drinking and was sort of out of it. I asked him who is Heather, he said I do not know any Heather. I said you swear to GOD that you do not know a Heather and he said yes. I made him say it and he did. We said nothing else that night and he went back to sleep. The next morning he is mad and he starts yelling, &#8220; who is making up things about me now&#8221;. He says Tammy (a friend of ours) is full of sh**. I said Tammy did not tell me anything. He said who is, I told him I heard him and his co-worker talking about it! He left all mad and when he got to work he called me, he was real hesitant and quiet. He said Heather is a bartender at Bailey&#8217;s (a neighborhood bar) and I had asked for her phone number and after she found out I am married she said she does not go out with married men. He said at least SHE has morals! Well, he didn&#8217;t mention that she has a boyfriend and she was going to go out with my husband.<p>Later he told me more, said that they had two meaningful conversations and when she found out he was married she does not date married guys (again). He told me she said this on the phone, but also said she knew because of his ring. That doesn&#8217;t make sense to me, wouldn&#8217;t she have said that when he asked for her phone number? Told me he is so glad nothing happened and he wants to start going to church again (I tried to get him to go the whole time he was going through all of this and he wouldn&#8217;t). One night he had had a few beers and said that he was just getting revenge for me having an affair. He said he would have left me for her! He doesn&#8217;t even know her supposedly! Said he was looking for love not sex. Another time he told me he got her number the night I was there with him at the bar (OUCH). We were with a bunch of people at that time. He did start acting normal again after it all came out. We still have our moments and if I try to ask him anything he gets mad, he told me no more talking about it ever again! Let me say this though, he has been throwing my affair in my face for 6 years now! Any time he does something I don&#8217;t like and I call him on it, he throws it in my face!<p>I was thinking about the time he was going to ride 8 hours away on his motorcycle with some of his buddies. This is a yearly thing that they do, but this year he only rode up half way and rode back home alone. So, he was gone for 1-½ days instead of 2 or 3. Well, I was driving down the road while he was gone and there was a motorcycle coming towards me and I thought it was him. So much so, I wanted to turn around, but I had to be somewhere. There was a brunette on the back of it with long hair. Heather is a brunette but her hair is shoulder length atthe time I finally knew about her and went to check her out. I THINK it was long and I know his bike, there is another one here like it, but the guy looks nothing like him. This person on the bike looked like him so much so that I freaked out! I told him about it and he said yeah there is another bike like his here in town, end of story. This was before I knew about Heather (too bad because I would have followed that bike and stopped it). <p>His coworker said he did not sleep with her, said he was out for revenge for what I did to him. Oh, he also said, Heather has a nice a** OUCH again! His coworker also said that she has a boyfriend and my husband and him almost got in to a fight. He wanted to know why my husband was there. My husband verified this later. The coworker said that my husband had gone up to her and put his arms around her and she said go away you are married. Now this coworker lies all the time, even at work. I think he is telling me half-truths here. <p>I admitted my affair to him and it was hard to do, it was awful for the pain I put him through. I personally think he did have sex with her and that it went on longer then he is saying. Why can&#8217;t he admit it? I think we need to deal with it, I think he is lying!!!!!<p>There is much more, but this is already way to long and is even complicated to me.<p>Thanks

Well, I can't say if your husband is having an affair. I suppose he could be, but then again it's possible that he could just want you to think he is. <p>Sounds to me like there are things about your affair (no matter how long ago) that he just never touched base on with you, for what ever reason. Things that just were not discussed and have finally gotten to the point that he can't ignore, don't know how to talk about them, and this may be his way of dealing with them (revenge). Ok, so he doesn't want you to talk about his "almost" incident, but he has to realize that even if he didn't do anything that just him thinking about it suggests that something is being overlooked and that the two of you should look hard at it together. Try talking to him about that. Let him know that you are not bringing it up as "what he almost did" but that you are saying that you see he was reaching out to you. Now, you need him to open up and let you extend the helping hand he was looking for.<p>Ever do counseling? Maybe it would be a good idea. He said some things that I'm sure hurt, and the reasons behind them need to be addressed.<p>I don't know how much this will help, but I hope it does some. I wish you the best and hope that things start looking up for you. Take care of yourself.

Well, as a person still sitting here waiting to hear the whole story from my H, I don't know what to tell you.<p>About all I've been able to come up with is to let my H know that I believe there is more to the story and because my instincts about it have been dead on target about everything else to do with it, then I'm trusting my instincts and will protect myself from him accordingly.<p>We sure can't force them to tell us what they don't want to tell us. But we can tell them how the discrepancies in their stories affect us, our feelings for them, and our commitment to the M.<p>It doesn't sound like the two of you have recovered from your 1995 A, much less your H's more current one. I recommend reading Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley and starting from square one all the way back to 1995. Sounds like your recovery process needs to start there remedially.

When I do try to bring it up he starts yelling at me, no matter how I try to start the conversation. I asked him today to tell me what they talked about in their two "meaningful" conversations because I told him the details of my affair. Well, he told me I don't remember! He said that it was what, in July? Like it was so long ago. Umm, no it was s'pose to have been in the very beginning of June. I found out November 14th, the last time he went up there! <p>He called me from work this a.m. and asked me who was I having follow him! He said some guy in a such in such car has been following him. He goes to different stations around town and the guy followed him to the last three. I wanted to laugh, but I didn't. I told him he was crazy and he should call the police. He went out for lunch instead of coming home and when he did get home after work he had an attitude. I asked him is he mad at me, does he think I am still having someone follow him. He said yes, he does not believe me when I say I am not having someone follow him! Well, I am not doing that! Why would I? I don't think he is doing anything now!<p>So, he ended up taking off tonight. He went to an old friends house. I have talked to him several times while he is there. He put the guy on the phone to talk to me, it is an old friend of mine too.<p>Out of no where he radios me on my cell and asks me where am I. I said in bed, he says who's. He repeated this, so I said OUR bed. He says well I'll be home in awhile. I called him back and he asked if I wanted to talk to his friend and his friend said in the back ground, "he is still here". Talk about embarrassing!!<p>I am going to the book store tomorrow to get Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. <p>He tells me it was ONLY a phone number! Why can't he understand that this is much more than that?? Thanks for the replies, I truly appreciate it. I hope this book can help us both.