I'm sure many will flame me for this, but I notice the name of this site is "Marriage BUILDERS". Yes,this particular forum topic is infidelity, but still under "marriage BUILDERS". Yet so many here are beyond building their marriage and are proceeding into divorce, custody battles, acrimony, bitterness, etc. When one reaches that point of no return, maybe they should go to another forum. It is depressing to see how many posters jump all over a WS and the OP when the BS starts talking divorce.<p>In my situation I have been blessed by God to be moving towards recovery with my WW. I still have many fears and doubts and pain, but I look for the encouraging words I get here as my primary source of hope.<p>Anyway, just my 2 sense. I can always stop reading posts when I see a lack of love or compassion. But I don't think those type of posts help those seeking to "marriage BUILD".

This has been a safe place for me off and on since September of 2000. Are you suggesting that now, because my situation has become unmanageable and irreperable that I leave?<p>Please, tell me, besides the divorcing/divorced part of Marriage Builders where I post regularly, where should I go? Am I no longer of any use to you? So sorry. I think I have tried to help a person or two on here without bashing their WS or OP. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> In my situation I have been blessed by God to be moving towards recovery <hr></blockquote><p>And I too, at one point was similarly blessed. But when he threw the vaccum cleaner at me, and the baby was hiding under the table crying and scared, I decided that I needed to go to a different plan. Ask Steve, he would agree.<p>If you are looking for encoraging words, then take them, and leave the rest. You are right, you can stop reading. <p>I think though considering we are all human, it is nice to feel people rallying around us, and many times in my life here have I posted that [censored] is a [censored], and bimbette is a froot loop. And know what? I like it when I am validated. <p>I certanly don't feel as if I am flaming you, but I certanly do feel like someone is pointing a finger at those of us not as blessed as you and asking us to leave.<p>Not gonna happen. I like it here.<p>If you see someone doing something improper - call them on it. Then and there. This is way to vauge.<p>You can come back and say - oh Eliz this isn't directed at you, but it is. I am divorced. We are having supervised visitation for dad and the kids. I am in a shi!Ty situation. So sue me.<p>IMHO this is not an issue that should be brought up here. If there is a problem then email the moderator with the persons handle, member number and why you think the situation needs to be addressed. <p>Thanks for pooping on my day.<p>Elizabeth

so i guess you are saying I need to leave.,

Sing,<p>I find value in you as a person. I am sorry your situation did not turn out as all had hoped. You are welcome to post here or wherever the heck else you want with my blessing.<p>I love Sing.<p>Elizabeth

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>Sing,<p>I find value in you as a person. I am sorry your situation did not turn out as all had hoped. You are welcome to post here or wherever the heck else you want with my blessing.<p>I love Sing.<p>Elizabeth</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks Elizabeth. i love you too. think we joined about the same time, I was a month behind you. I still feel like I have something to offer people but it is why I am very careful of who I post to.

Sheesh!!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We sure do have enough people who think they should run the board and decide who should stay and who should go...They seem to outnumber the rest these days...<p>Elizabeth and Sing -You guys make valuable and helpful contributions every day to people here. Please don't let a "moderator wannabe" run you off.... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think Boppo was saying that anyone in particular should leave. His comment seems to me to be more about a general negative tone that some posters may have when they are no longer focused on rebuilding a marriage. I think. Boppo?

Boppo57,<p>i have always thought GQ2 was the open forum, as you feel you are recovering & I am so happy for you, have you thought about moving on to recovery. I hardly ever post there unless I see an old friends name but I like to go read the we made it threads. they give me hope not for my marriage but hope in general.<p>Thanks Dewayne, for the kind words<p>I will be posting less, as my time will be taken up with working, studing etc again, YS ball games, practice etc but I will still be checking in to see how my friends are doing.

Boppo--<p>While I realize the site is called Marriage Builders, much of the building revolves around taking action for personal growth and development.<p>I surely think that those who have gone through or may be headed toward a divorce have valuable lessons and insight for many of us.<p>What's next? Asking those of us who are separated from our spouses or in plan B to leave because our marriage isn't being "built?"<p>Quite frankly I have learned a lot from reading and hearing from Reslient, worthatry, sing and many others who have worked hard to "build"" their marriages but for whatever reason (many times not in their control) they have had to move on. This site would be poorer without their input.<p>Sorry buddy---you are way off base on this one.<p>E<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]</p>

Does this request include me as well?<p>Boppo,<p>Respectfully, I would offer that this is "General Questions" under the Infidelity Forum.<p>After being here for nearly 2 years, and subsequent to my D being final, I asked the members here if they were okay with me continuing to post on GQII, as opposed to D/D. I got a resounding "YES". As I'm sure Sing and JusttheWife would receive. <p>If that has changed, I certainly would like to hear from the membership as a whole. <p>Boppo, if you would prefer I not post to any of your threads, please say the word. I think to-date I haven't posted to you. <p>Jo

I have to humbly admit I should have kept my mouth shut. This was not the place to post what I posted. I have the same problem in my marriage, I guess.<p>I wasn't asking anyone to leave, although that is the way it came out. Again, same problem I've had in marriage.<p>I guess I was just getting very discouraged by all the negativity I was reading. But hey, if there wasn't alot of pain going on, there wouldn't be a need for this forum.<p>So- to all on MB- I apologize. Foot in mouth disease has struck again.

Boppo,<p>I understand about what you're saying. It does seem that in the last week or so, many of the posts have been the 'I quit' variety. But, reading back over some of the messages on the boards, it is clear that many, many of these people have given it everything they could to make the marriage work and it just didn't. I was married for almost 18 years to a man who could go for months and months without ever speaking to me and I'm not exaggerating. There just comes a time when you get tired of banging your head against a wall.<p>I think it's great that you and your w are trying to work it out--not everyone is as lucky as you are. But that doesn't mean that the ones who've finally just had enough of fighting the one-sided battle are any less valuable on this board. We were here to support you when you showed up a month ago in pain and needing help. And now you and I should support those who are hurting today.<p>Furthermore, some of us are in abusive, dangerous situations and need somebody to tell us it's okay to look out for yourself over everything else. Or just need to hear a kind word. That's what I'm hear for...to be a friend even when stuff is going wrong.<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: diddallas ]</p>

Thank you for retracting. I still feel like you pooped on my day though. I'm gonna be mad at you for the rest of the day, then forgive you. Radical honesty.<p>My Mom always says that Gramma always said -
There are two rules in life. If you have to apologize before you begin, don't even start, and learn to keep your hands to yourself.<p>I think the hands to yourself was meant for the little kids - she had 7, but considering how most of us got here, it rings true for the adults too.<p>Elizabeth

Regarding the negativity...I think a lot of us come here to vent because we are trying like MAD to Plan A, even in the face of divorce...we don't want to scream at our spouses, put them down, be a ranting hurt angry person in front of them because we all KNOW it will come back to haunt us.<p>I post here and on most other boards at this site, and there have been plenty of times I have lost hope, have been angry, have had my heart ripped out by my stbx. I NEEDED somewhere to come to pour all of that out. Sometimes I still do. What this does for me is that I get validation for my feelings....that I am NOT crazy for expecting more than he is capable of giving, that I am not wrong if I feel bad about it.<p>That is why I post, and I am glad there is such a safe place to do it.<p>Boppo, you can take your foot out of your mouth now...I think we kinda sorta know where you were coming from.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Boppo,
You've already gotten it, but please do realize that in moving towards recovery at "only" about 4 months from D-day that you may have one of the better situations here. At that point I was having my 3rd of 7 total separations and another year to get to recovery...and we've become a success after spending a little time in the divorce process.<p>The longer it takes the more wounds the BS has, and uncertainty for the future increases. <p>If you, any of us, are troubled by negativity in a thread, do what you can to help that person, to re-direct if you have a good idea, give a hug if you have no words. If that poster continues to bother you, or stay negative, don't read them. Harsh, but there are so many threads all of us pick and choose on some sort of personal criteria...even if it is just not having enough time to go through everything.<p>Or maybe you need to hop over to the Recovery Forum where the issues tend to be more about active re-building.

<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</p>

Folks,<p>Boppo, did apologize. He did so both here and on a new thread expressly for that. I think this horse has been flogged to death. What do you think??<p>JL

I think that until we actually go through with the divorce, we are trying to build the marriage back up. Since I am still trying to get my WW to come back to the marriage, I struggle with all the disappointments that I have had to go through and often wonder if it is all worth it. Is she going to be the wife I truly want for the rest of my life? I think we are all hurting and it helps to vent and this forum was set up for us to vent with others in our same situation. If we vent on our WS then we are LBing and that defeats the effort we are making to rebuild our marriage.<p>I appreciate the people who use this site because I realize there are lots of people, men and women, who are in the same spot as me. I also empathize with others who it sounds have it a lot worse than I do. God be with you and your struggle because I sure need him in mine.

Hey Boppo...<p>
you okay? <p>Cali

I see where he's coming from...<p>Venting is all well and good, but the morale around here does occasionally take a nosedive. Most of us, consciously or not, take the baggage in our lives and hose down everyone else with it. It can be hard to be here when one is trying to stay positive and upbeat, that's all.<p>He has another valid point, although this isn't a problem at this site like it is at other sites (thank goodness). Often you'll see people well out of their marriage, into their divorce, still hanging around boards and berating people. The question one does wonder is why do people stay around when their marriage has ended? I like to think that they stay for the same reason I'm here, although just like me, their hurt sometimes comes out in unproductive ways.<p>They're here to find support, and they're here to learn. Most of us don't really know each other well enough to really advise (with possible a few exceptions)...all we can do is share our stories and learn from our mistakes and our accomplishments.<p>I read somewhere once that pain is the shell of our old understanding giving way so that we can grow. I like to think of it like that when it hurts...