Some insights from Dr. Scharch (from his book,
Passionate Marriage:<p>.....the person with the least desire for intimacy always controls intimacy in the relationship as long as partners are dependent on validation from each other.<p>Intimacy is the two-prong process of
confronting yourself and
self-disclosing to your partner.<p>Other-validated intimacy "sounds" like this:
"I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself. If you don't, I won't either. But I want to, so you have to. I'll go first and then you'll be obligated to disclose--it's only fair. And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure. I need to be able to TRUST you!"<p>Self-validated intimacy in long-term relationships sounds quite different:
"I don't expect you to agree with me; you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me--and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection--but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you KNEW me."<p>How much can you self-disclose without the guarantee of acceptance and validation from your partner? When you've achieved a high level of differentiation, revealing yourself is less dependent on your partner's moods or life's minor ups and downs. You're more capable of expressing who you are in the face of neutral or even negative responses from your partner. You can unilaterally push the boundaries of your relationship, and you feel less threatened when your parner starts (or refuses) to grow.<p>Self-validated intimacy involves providing support for your
self while letting yourself be known.<p>----------------------------------<p>I thought about this in relation to the arguments back and forth about telling versus not telling about present or past infidelities, but it also applies to anything you are reluctant to share with your partner.<p>For instance, I'm considering my reluctance to talk with my H about his A and his neglect to help me process and heal from it in relation to what I read above. This is because I stopped talking to him about it because his responses were so disappointing and didn't meet my expectations. I'm exploring the possibility of telling him where I am and how I feel about our R because I am also uncomfortable with keeping this information to myself, so maybe that is what I should do IF I can let go of my expectations for the desired responses from him.<p>I think Dr. Scharch's observations about this are a good adjunct to Dr. Harley's Policy of Radical Honesty, kind of a way to think about it and approach it that is helpful.
