Hello,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He told me I would never understand, I wasn't capable. <hr></blockquote><p>There is some truth to this because he is not capable of thinking beyond his obsession with this woman, and therefore at this time, his thinking is NOT rational. It is NOT the way a normal person thinks. Thus, why SHOULD you be capable of understanding it since, by it's very nature, it is not understandable. (Have I lost you?) If it weren't such a disaster for everyone who cares for him, it would be tempting for the outsider to ridicule him simply as a pathetic middle-aged man who is trying to hang on to his youth in a very misguided way. <p>Unfortunately this behavior is so self-destructive. Even though he may realize what this A is costing him, he will fight tooth and nail to rationalize his behavior, primarily to convince HIMSELF that what he knows in his heart is WRONG, is actually right. Fantasy, fantasy.<p>Have you read everything about infidelity here on MB, including the Articles and the Questions and Answers? SAA, which you will be reading soon, is a must.<p>Back to what your H told you in the quote, that you were not capable of understanding. The interesting thing is that eventually YOU will come to understand him as you read and post here while HE may continue to be the one who does not understand himself. Ironic, isn't it. Actually, his behavior is very common, and his relationship which he thinks is so special, is quite ordinary in that it is all so predictable. In fact, it is almost as though he is following a script. By learning here, you will actually know what your WH is likely to do next, before he does it!<p>Once I understood that the behavior of people in afairs is so universal, I was able to deal with my DIL's seeming incomprehensible behavior. She was behaving JUST LIKE thousands of other WS. We knew what to expect as the A evolved. From a sociological point of view, this has been a fascinating journey. Of course, from the emotional point of view, it continues to be devasting. <p>Dear wintergal, be prepared for this to take months to evolve. There are predictable stages that this will follow. Be prepared to hold the family together until WH's A unravels. Then, in a cruelly ironic twist, you - the BS - may find it necessary to comfort your WS when he goes through withdrawal as he suffers the loss of his relationship with OW.<p>The great majority of couples do not divorce following an affair. MBs will be with you as you work through this. Remember, you cannot do anything to change your WH or his A. What you can do is safeguard your family and strengthen yourself by learning all you can about how the addiciton of an A is affecting your H.<p>Take care,
Estes
