Greetings all-
I usually post on the Just Found Out board. Please review my post. I need some input on how to handle my H coming home for 4 or 5 days in April to try to work things out. He left on 1-01-02. Since then I have gotten 3 phone calls and 4 e-mails. I can not call him- unlisted #. so he has control.<p> Please read my post. (I don't know how to link) I need to know how to handle him coming home. HE wants to sit down and talk about A and work things out. He told his Mom that he wants to come back if I will take him back. Told his mom A was over. Has not told me. All the gory details are in my post please, please, please read and TELL ME WHAT TO SAY (that's the name of my post) and tell me what to do/not do. <p>Thanks so much for your generous and knowledgable input. You can post here or there.
Forgiver

Here is a link to your post on just found out...Good luck, lots of good advice here, just remember whatever happens in your life, you will be ok, you are a good woman.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=001282<p>[ March 15, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Please bump

Thanks Sad_n_Lonely<p>Please bump.
Guys i need some help here! Give Redhat a hand he's been guiding me through this thing wonderfully!

Forgiver, maybe you could look through my posts for hints of what your in for. Obviously I can't offer advice cause I'm in it up to my ears, but maybe you could learn from my mistakes. <p>Forwarned is forarmed: you can prepare how your going to handle some of the tougher moments.

Hi, <p>I remember your story. In fact I went back and read it last night. <p>Here goes my 2 cents!!! <p>Your H wants to come back and talk. So far your plan A has been working. Don't change that now. However establishing your boundaries may be vital at this time. Remember who left who. He had the A and he will need to win you back. You have done your plan A stuff and now you are totally a knock out when compared to the haz been OW? <p>Well even if you are not, remember that you need to retain your respect. If you get a chance look up Venusenvy's posts. Her situation is similar to yours. <p>For now continue on working on you and making yourself irresistable. Not too much but in a balanced way. Identify and focus on your H's strongest needs. Show care and respect to him but require that he do the same to you. Learn to dicipher babble from talk and prepare how you will handle it. <p>I think we can give you enough homework to keep you busy until he comes back. What do you think?!?!<p>Take Care,
L.

Thanks so much!<p>
I think my plan A has been going great. Redhat suggested I be the poster girl. LOL!<p> I understand how important it is to listen. Every brief moment of communication we have had I have listened and been understanding, loving and told him I was here for him. Always making me a safe place to come back to. I have never cried or yelled or been disrespectful towards him in any way since d-day.<p> Not that I was before but the rare fights we had were like "I don't like it when...(whatever)" and the other's response would be "Well I don't like that either!!" We always would agree at what was wrong but had a hard time coming up with a solution. Neither one of us wants to fight so we tend to hold it in and when we ask each other what's wrong we always say "nothing". Ahh!! We're too agreeable. I know now that communication is what we have to work on.<p> I also know SF is major for him and me too. i have been taking an on-line class on increasing sexual desire. I have the desire but now I recognize I need more (and more creative foreplay). It should start at breakfast! (I have a need for affection) I was too embarrassed to make suggestions. But watch out now!! The freak is out!! LOL! Our last phone call resulted in me sharing what I have learned and that led to phone sex! New one for me but hey- I'm willing and SO WAS HE!! <p> I have been working out 7 days a week 2-3 hours a day and have been working up to running 4 miles without stopping. I know he and OW jog together and that was one of the 4 reasons he said he liked her. (Other 3 were: she liked to watch football and baseball (she's a Yankkee fan, he's a Mets fan), She reminded him of me- just like me, she was spontaneous and did what she wanted when she wanted. ANYTHING SHE CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER!!! Thus I started running (I like the results), I've watched every fottball game and had my friends explain what i didn't already know. It's easy for them to be spontaneous when they don't have to work and the bank puts money in thier accounts. No bills, no jobs, no worries!<p> But hey I can take on all the responsibilities of running our home, paying ALL the bills etc. and be spontaneous-I'm looking into leasing a Ferrari to pick him up at the airport! Last time I picked him up in a stretch limo (before I knew about the A). That was spontaneous! I've also been known to flash him in public places-pretty spontaneous! I have surprised him many many many times but I guess he's forgotten!<p> I've got her beat in the looks dept. but I know looks are not what starts an A. I used to model. I'm 5'9" 125-130. She's about 5'4" 140. I'm dirty blond long straight hair. She has shorter curly brown hair. Me hazel eyes, her brown. <p> Maybe he likes little girls and I'm too long and lanky for him? Who knows but my self esteem has gone way up. Especially since I am so happy about how much I have grown inside as a person. I was a good person before. (He told OW that in e-mail: Forgiver is a really great person I don't want to hurt her she does not deserve this) Now I'm great. Don't worry my head isn't getting too big but I have to counter balance bashing myself all the time trying to figure out why he would choose her over me.

GIVE ME HOMEWORK!!! I thirst for knowledge, advice etc. I want to do everything right. I always have Redhats words of wisdom running through my head... Let A die naturally... play the Venusian... Let him come to you.... no LBing... don't be a doormat...<p> Those voices in my head...Gotta tell my shrink about those LOL!<p> Thanks and keep me informed!!
Forgiver

please bump

Forgiver, you absolutely amaze me. Get the Ferrari, now that WILL make him feel special. If it dosen't at least you will. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Wow, what a gal!<p>Forgiver re the sex stuff, this is a BIG place where my M struggled too. I recently bought a herbal supplement called Horny Goat Weed FOR HER. Have you heard of it, can you get it there? I'll find out the brand when I get home-brand name is Naturopathica - www.naturopathica.com.au<p>It may work for you (I've been using it for about 7 weeks and have really really enjoyed the results [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ). Plus I've been reading various books, etc, etc.<p>Just make sure you get the one for women. I accidently bought and took the one for men, no result-which may be a blessing!<p>Whether the stuff really has an effect or whether its placebo dosen't matter to me. The point is I've NEVER felt like this in my life! It took about a week or two before I starting noticing THE DIFFERENCE!<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

up 4 forgiver

Thanks Seahorse!<p>
I love the name "Horny Goat Weed". I'll definately try it!! Hey whatever works! i'm game!<p> Went to my therapist tonight- he's amazed at me! Lot's O'compliments. he gave me the name of a website to help your lovelife in M. I have not gone yet but i will go now. It's called www.betterlovelife.com. i'll try it and tell you what I find.<p> P.S. Read my other post on Just found out to find out the good news (if you haven"t already- H may come home to stay for 1 semester to work on M.!!!)
Thanks so much for your kind words and support.
Forgiver

WOAH!!!!! Just went to betterlovelife.com for 2 seconds VERY GRAPHIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEWARE!!!!
Forgiver

Forgiver, now I will have to look at that website, I'm working on same thing as you! <p>I love the name Horny Goat Weed too- apparently shepherds used to notice that after the goats ate the weed they were, well you know... [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] the picture on the box is enough to send anyone the same way! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
PS great news re your other post!<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Thanks so much Sad-n-Lonely, Orchid and Seahorse!<p> Help I need your help. You know My H is coming home in April. So far i have gotten 6 e-mails and tonight was the 4th phone call. <p> Tonight my H told me it was just about over with the OW. It would be done once he left school to come home to me. He is taking a semester off to come home and work this out!! He says he's scared and does not know what will happen. He says he can't understand how I can still love him and want him back after all this. I told him that was the power of love. I told hhim i loved him so much and I thoughthe was worth any effort or sacrifice i had to make to get us back together and learn from our mistakes. He said he thought I had made enough sacrifices for him at this point! HE WAS COMING HOME!<p> He told me on D-day school was number one. that I was # 2 and 3. I was warned (by Redhat) if I was not #1 in my h's life then working on M would be impossible. I think I just moved up the ranks!! This all came completely from him! I knew total separation was necessary but I did not tell him. I was determined to stay away, stay out of it and let the A die a natural death. I hope the A is gasping it's last death rattle these next few weeks.<p> The fact I came down with an STD (treatable, curable) from her will really make things ugly. He said she will blame me. How are they to know I did not catch it myself by sleeping around as revenge on him? I told him I couldn't prove it, but he knew me better than anyone and I have never been with anyone except him. I was so upset about the whole situation that going out and sleeping with a stranger was not something I would do. He knows that. It took me awhile to trust him enough to let him be my first.

So now he's coming home in April to stay until September. I don't know how to do this? Can I hug him when he gets off the airplane? I am so looking forward to that. Or should I just stand there? I want to be happy when he comes but I know how embarrassed and defensive he must be. Will hugging him be a LB? I know the first 3 weeks of withdrawl will be hell. But I don't know what hell will really be like. I don't know what to expect. His family says he has so much guilt and shame he does not know where to start. How do I help him?<p>I need homework!!
Forgiver