Husband2You suggested you might be able to mentor me on boundaries. WS is in the house and I'm trying to Plan A but I'm concerned about the A continuing in front of our young daughters. He lives downstairs as my housemate nothing more...he says he cannot cheat on OW with me therefore, he's shut me out totally. Help...I don't want to force him to leave again.

Hi, <p>You don't want him to leave? Why not? I know this sounds harsh but step back and write down the positive aspects vs negative aspects of his current condition. How much longer will you settle for this current arrangement? <p>That is the first thing I had to do. I weighed a lot. I found out that I was 'enabling' the A. YUCK!!! That's when I made up my mind not to enable it anymore. My H is a conflict avoider and would have kept up the charade at our family's expense. Double YUCK! <p>You need to find your settling point of what you will and will not tolerate. Don't be afraid to lose the one who does not respect you. <p>Your H is babbling, don't listen to the babble. IF he does not want to cheat on OW, then babble back and tell him not to cheat. Don't tie that to the OW, just say ok, don't cheat. Then set your boundaries. Something like, ok don't cheat and then 1 by one stop meeting his needs. Even the small ones. For me it was paying his bills. Letting him talk to the creditors. Following his direction when he said something stupid and then when he would get angry, I reminded him I was just obeying him. Of course I was selective in that it was not dangerous, just frustrating. In other words, I gave him my frustrations or at least some of it. <p>Helped save my santity. <p>L.

Hi
Thanks for your insight...I get conflicting info from so many sources. Don't ask him to leave but don't force him to stay if he wants to go.....He's gone now and the temptation to contact him is so strong...He says that everytime I force the issue of no contact, it pushes him right to OW...he will use her for everything he needs. He's doing that right now anyway. He'll be up there a week, living in her home ,taking care of her children etc., etc. Some days are so hard. What's your current situation? Did your methods help your situation with your WS or mostly just your sanity? Thanks for your time again.
Wintergal

I am glad some of the info helped. I have been thinking of a 'general thread' where many could put their situation, what worked & what didn't. give me a day or 2 to compile it. <p>One of the things the WS does is threaten. You have to learn what is valid vs babble. Then work on it. Takes a while since you are dealing with a different strange and foreign personality. It takes a while to know how they will react. At this point it is safe to asume that the reaction will be against you. So prepare accordingly. <p>Gotta go for now, will be back laters. <p>L.