I read all your posts and have ordered the book. If I'm getting it right - I'm suppose to be independent and not caring about what he's doing. I'm trying to do that. But he calls all the time. It's not fair that like tonight he's out doing what he wants and tomorrow he'll want to come over here and see the kids and pressure me into staying over to watch a movie so I can't go out and do something.<p>It's ok for him to continuing his A, and I feel like he's always checking up on me. Lots of calls and requests to call back. How is this going to help me?<p>I feel like I need a break. I can't make up my mind to keep him or not and I don't think it's fair to cater to all of his needs, what about mine. It's 3:00 in the morning and I can't even sleep anymore because of him.

Yes, you do need to take care of you and not cater to all of his needs... sounds like cakeman talk to me... I am sorry you are here and in pain. I plan A'd, but would not tolerate the A. A has ended thank goodness. SOmewhat due to my plan a, I know for sure. I did nice things for H which got him more confused. I brought him over his fav. foods, things he needed, etc. Showed him I cared for him even in his time of going CRAZY, and being possessed by aliens... <p>Read the book. <p>You do need to take care of you. There are lots of old timers here who can help much more than me. Look around on the links and read things that sound of interest ... you can gleam advice from so much that is on this board. Read about plan a. YOu may also want to ck out the site divorcbusters.com <p>You do have to take time for you. GIve him time with the kids alone, and go take car e of you ... IT helps... and also gives him time to see how hard it is to be with kids alone... as long as they are young... like mine... <p>Anyway, Hugs to you, I am tired and going to bed.. but noticed your post and wanted to reply.<p>I hope and pray you get some sleep. Take care of you.<p>Honey

I agree with Honey...read as much as you can...keep asking heaps of questions...when you cant sleep, get on board and talk about how youre feeling. Youll find others going thru the same stuff and it'll make sense to you, you'll feel normal and not alone. <p>I'm not sure about being independent and not caring about him...<p>You need to move ahead with your life and make plans/short term goals without him, but dont lose the hope of reconciliation no matter how hard or impossible it gets. I can get by each day knowing my life has purpose at this time on my own and thar H may come home soon or later. I dont want to waste this painful experience...I want to grow and make it count for something. Work on yourself becoming a better person, mother and wife. This is such a great opportunity to learn about life and YOU. Embrace it. So many others are going thru the same stuff, be comforted in that. <p>You need to set boundaries for yourself with him calling. Check out the Plan A process. Play a bit hard to get at times perhaps.<p>As honey said, others will be here for you to help you through issues as they come up. <p>Hope youre able to get some wonderful rest tonight.<p>Dancer [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

If you are ready to go out the door the moment he walks in, it cuts down on the amount of time he has to pressure you. I know how appealing it is to settle in for some of what can seem like family time, but sounds like you are resenting the situation, so, try going out. Have a plan. Even if it is a movie, a couple hours at the mall, a walk in the park.<p>I did an 18 month Plan A through 6 of 7 separations--my H was a cakeman, fencesitter, limboman, whatever you want to call "I love you but can't live with you/I don't love you but I will always take care of you".<p>It really is to your H's benefit to let him have the kids on his own. That would be the real consequence of his continuing the A until the 2 of you are divorced. I don't think Plan A should make the BS feel like they have to protect the WS from the consequences of their actions, no lovebusters, but letting the chips fall where they should.<p>It might be even more realistic if your H didn't have the run of the old homestead when he has the kids...but that probably depends more on if he has a suitable place to take them, and how old they are, homework, etc. There are only so many trips to Gigglebys that an adult can cope with. And I put my kids' comfort ahead of my needs or wishes for him to take them somewhere, when he didn't have a good living arrangement.<p>And, when you get home, you don't have to tell him where you went, he probably doesn't tell you of his real movements when not with you. Needing "space" can be a 2 way street.<p>It sounds a little like playing games, but his actions in having his A are real, and you have to deal with it, even when you are in Plan A and being loving.