For the benefit of those of you who have been following the developments of whats been going on with our situation and for my benefit, i wanted to share with you what went down today when i called OM.<p>As most of you know, with the recent incident with my H finding out about me still having contact with OM and everything that has gone down since, i suggested that instead of writing a letter of no contact to OM (bcos it didnt work the last time), that i called OM instead, with H listening in.....well, it worked...for me anyhow. My H was there by my side throughout the conversation i had with OM but he wasnt listening in. I thought it was going to be hard for me to do it bcos i have never done anything like that before. It wasnt hard at all! In fact, i felt nothing but relief and like a load was lifted when i hung up.<p>The main worry that my H had or is having now with this was that i had previously given OM a heads up on this call or that i would be calling OM after this to let him know that the call was made with H standing next to me.....well, neither of that has or will happen. Not now, not ever. The conversation went very well and i asked the usual questions like where he was, what he was doing at that point of time and casually asked how things were, so that he wouldnt think that there was anything up. Then i started telling him how the whole A was a huge mistake, that it was nothing more than a fling, that it just happened to be him and that it could have been anyone else....that i was sorry to have led him into thinking that he meant anything more to me, that he meant more to me than my H and that my H means more to me than anything or anyone else. I then told him that i wasnt about to take the whole blame for this and that he should take some of it too and that confused him bcos he obviously didnt feel like any of this was his fault, since i was the one with the H and he was the single guy with no strings attached. Well i insisted that he took some responsibility as well bcos he played a part in this as much as i did and he said, well, it takes 2 hands to clap or something like that....<p>i told him that after this call, i was going to spill all to my H about this call, the phone conversations we have had and the meeting we had the other day (of which my H already knows of course) and that in the even that my H leaves me, that i dont ever want to see him ever again. That seeing him or being with him will only remind me of all the bad that has happened bcos nothing good came out of this except giving my H pain and suffering. OM said "well i dont ever want to see you ever again too!", well maybe he was angry, maybe he was hurt...but whatever....It took me while to explain things like that to him bcos it didnt sound like he understood every much and that made me realise some more just how stupid i have been bcos the conversation showed me and told me just how immature he is. i then said to him that he should know that my H has a dark side that i failed to mention before and that he should be aware of that, to be looking over his shoulder from now, whether he believes me or not bcos if my H ever sees him, he will kill him. OM wasnt moved at all and was pissed off for me saying that bcos it sounded like a threat and i guess no one likes to be threatened. Well, i didnt want it to sound that way, but hey, it did! <p>I told OM that he should send my H an email to say he's sorry, to do the right thing by him for hurting him so bad and that he sure as hell has messed with the wrong person. That this is how adults handle situations like that and he said, "no, i messed with the wrong people" would it be wrong for me to say that i dont care what he feels right now? and that no matter how he feels, it can never be matched up to what H has been through since? To be honest, i dont care. I really dont. I have done this for myself and it has made me feel good.<p>All in all, the call went well for me and i am hoping that my H could hear from the conversation that i was being honest and truthful when i was speaking with OM. To me, thats the end of OM and thats my closure. H asked me if i was a little upset cos he could see from my eyes that i was when OM said that he doesnt want to have anything to do with me or that he he does not want to see me ever again. i admitted that i was a little hurt, NOT bcos it was OM, but bcos i would have been hurt anyway even if it were a girlfriend saying that....but it didnt last long inside, it was dealt with and i am better for it. I truly am! I didnt think i could do it but i did and it wasnt hard at all.....baby steps, one thing at a time. Today was one and tomorrow will be another. I know many of you have concerns that this is another one of my lies, that i will have a relapse, that i am doing this bcos i may lose my H....dont blame you for feeling that...i dont expect anyone to believe me or trust what i am saying or doing, esp not my H. This is for me and i am healing and getting better for me too as much as for my H....if i can be true to myself, i can be true to anyone and today i was true to myself and it sure as hell felt good.

BRAVO!<p>Good luck, and take care.
Kev

Gen, <p>I feel so much joy for you right now. What a big step! I think you are finally getting this ship turned around.<p>Now, I think plan A is in order. Work on yourself and try to meet Harley's needs. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] It takes time. It took me almost a year to get over my H's near EA (deja vu). Try to be as patient as you can with Harley. I think he must be a wonderful man to see you through this. Hang onto him!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take a breather and just enjoy your H for a day or two, and then dive in (with baby steps, of course.)<p>(I'm doing a dance too!)<p>Hoping [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Now, I think plan A is in order. Work on yourself and try to meet Harley's needs. It takes time. It took me almost a year to get over my H's near EA (deja vu). Try to be as patient as you can with Harley. I think he must be a wonderful man to see you through this. Hang onto him!!! <p>H4F, thank you. i am proud of myself that i could make that call and feel good about it....its only the beginning i know....can you explain to me again what Plan A is all about again please? Neither H or i can define it right so perhaps you could enlighten us again? You are wonderful and i look forward to a response from you or an email....you have been there for me when i needed a friend. You have been there for me more than any friend i have had here has ever been.<p>kevco, thanks but i am still working on it....its only the first hurdle. Many many many more to overcome!<p>Keep posting me your thoughts!

I thought you and Harley had done the EN questionnaire. If you haven't, do that first. I think the main thing with plan A is to work on meeting the other spouse's needs and try to make yourself a better person. Go to the home page and you should be able to find more on it there. Explore around. Plus, I think there is a site tour you can do. Hope this helps. If you have questions, I can try to answer them, or someone else here probably can. Let me say this about the results of my questionnaire. I tied three for my main need, two for the second, a couple for the third, and then the rest fell somewhere in 4th and 5th place. Either I am really needy or I value all of the different needs.<p>Glad to see you on this side again!

H4F, we have done the EN questionaire before but i think i want us to do it again. i will also take the site tour and see what els ei can find....however, if there is anyone else who have any suggestions on what else or where else i can go, do let me know.<p>Good to know that i am considered to be on this side again.....but lets not bring out the champagne yet bcos its only the beginning....email me H4F!