Hello:<p>Thanks for those who answered my post before.
I wrote before that my husband met someone on the Internet, fell in love with her. Now she got a cancer and my husband feels that he should continue contacting her and go visit her in a hospital.
I discovered this about 3 weeks ago. And I am trying to do Plan A for about 1.5 week. My husband says that he feels now more love to me because I became same as when we are met.
But I feel that he still loves her. Tomorrow is his birthday and you know what he said her?
That his birhday will be miserable because he cann't yet go to her. (She is in isolation room in a hospital). I just can't take it much longer, I affraid that I will soon hate my husband. I am trying hard with Plan A but sometimes I don't feel like doing it because I know he thinks about her.
So I have come to a decision and I have already told my husband about it.
I can't take it longer then 1 more week. (I don't want see my husband sad about her dying, and then become sad myself that he so loves her and don't much care how I feel.)
So, I said him that after 1 week if he doesn't stop all contacts with her I want to separate so that not to hurt myself.
I don't think though that he will be able to stop contact her. I think that after all the love words he said to her he can't leave her now. He will feel himself not a good man I guess.
He just came to me and said that he found out that that woman is not feeling good and not responding to a chemotherapy. So, he doesn't know how much longer she will be living. He asked me if I can now regard that person as not the lover but as a dying friend.
I said I can't because I feel like he choses me only because that woman is dying. He said it is not true, that he would chose me anyway.
But I said that my decision about 1 week wait is still on place.
Am I heartless?
What would you do on my place?<p>I almost sure that he will not be able not contact her after 1 week.
We were going to go to a ski trip. But I have decided that I don't want to go unless he promises not to contact that woman while he is with me there. I don't want to cry and be sad on my vacation.
Am I selfish?<p>I know that many people here doing Plan A for months. Do you think that I am too quick with this? One more thing which is bothering me is that my husband insisting that I would reed a book about open marriages. I don't know now how I ever can trust him not to have an affair again.
This why I decided separate after 1 week and let him think about it.<p>What do you usually do when you separate?
Do you continue with Plan A and then how do you continue with it? Or do you begin Plan B?
My husband says that if it will not be legal separation but just between us - separate so that I would not be hurt- then he will still have a key and can come anytime he wants.
Then of course it will not be a Plan B.
How should I behave in this situation?
Should I be just as nice to him as I am trying to be now but just we would be living apart?<p>Again, the reason for this separation would be me not seeing him be sad and loving her, not seeing him calling her or writing.
But for him I guess it would not be much matter because he would be able to call her and at the same time come to me and have love from me too.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Yes, I am sure that she has a leukemia. I saw my husbands Emails to her sister.
She is in isolation room where she has just radio. But she will be out of that room sometime next week.

I don't think you're being selfish. It isn't your fault that she is dying, if she actually is. You have no relationship with her. If he values his R with her more than his R with you, then that is the way it is. You can Plan A, but detach as much as possible. Concentrate on yourself and avoid painful situations where you would be exposed to his "love talk" with her, etc.<p>I'm not sure what Dr. Harley would advise, but my instinct would be to say, "If and when you are interested in having a monogamous R with me, let me know and I will consider it." Then, I'd just go about my own business and relate to him as a roommate. I'd be kind and friendly and work on my own issues. My first priority would be protecting myself from further emotional trauma. I'd work on eliminating LBs from my interactions with him, and I'd meet his needs that I felt like meeting as long as they didn't cause me undue duress.<p>Just live in the present for now, take care of yourself, and put your energy into making the changes in yourself that you want to make as you strengthen your core self and improve your skills of being a better partner for whenever an opportunity for a quality R comes along, whether with your H or someone else in the future.