Is it normal to carry on imaginary conversations with your H when youre angry with him? Its all i seem to do lately. Theres so much I wish I could say to him but it would be useless. But I hate talking to myself. When I stop and realise I start talking to God instead. But I can garantee I'll be chattin to 'him' again in no time - its driving me nuts!<p>One thing I'm angry about is that he seems to be not so responsible when it comes to looking after our baby. i know hes a guy, and would be limited to understanding babies seing hes not living with us, but it still gets me upset. He seems to put down my parenting ideas. He also seems to do whatever he wants, which i guess hes entitled to. I understand I have no control over the time he spends with our son, but he doesnt seem to have his best interests in mind at times. Eg - Our son is on antibiotics from a viral cold and his dad has taken him to visit some rellies in the car with aircon on. its a 80min drive. then he wants to take him swimming in a hotel pool. its indoor but it'll have germs from who knows where. the poor little thing hasnt got much of an immune system at the moment.<p>I know theres nothing I can do, but it really hurts that I told H I didnt think he should be in high aircon (or at all if possible although it is a very hot day) or in the pool. He said hed do what he wants. I feel like Im an overprotective mother, but I dont care. <p>Am I wrong to feel this way or expect things differently? What should I do?<p>Dancer<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: Dancer ]</p>

It is SO HARD to let our kids go with dad, huh? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But really, do you think your son's life is in danger? I'm going to assume a big NO, or else you would never allow your H time alone with him.<p>They'll be fine. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. Your H will assume more responsibility towards your son when it is solely up to him to care for your son.<p>Try to keep your parenting opinions out of your H's earshot for now.... unless you can come up with non LBing ways to say them (which IMO, is pretty near impossible - I'm a mum too! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>As far as your imaginary conversations... all that matters is that you're getting it OUT of your system. If that's your comfort level, then great! I can relate to that one.... it takes too long to write out letters to them, eh? [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Topie I am so glad that you responded, was hoping that you would, figured you would have some of the best advice for Dancer, kind of hard to relate as my kids are so much older and can speak up for themselves.<p>Dancer, I did want you to know that I did read you post and was looking for the words to type out. I would agree with what Topie said.<p>And talking to yourself is so very normal, and it's even better when you can open up and talk to the Lord, He does listen. <p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks guys<p>I'm not certain talking out loud is healthy...I get real tense and furious.<p>Topie - Ive been LBing then big time with my parenting opinions. I really tried to let it go last week and just accept that whatever happened was in Gods hands and there wasnt I thing I could do to change it - like last week when H took baby to OWs house. Just gotta let go, I know. But since S has been sick Ive been really protective. Its been a heartbreaking week nursing him back to health. I know that I must shut my mouth and trust God that my little one wont get any sicker.<p>Dancer

And remember... should your son start feeling worse (which we hope will NOT happen!), and it's as a result from your H's actions... then that's something HE has to deal with emotionally. I know, I know, YOU are the one who will have to nurse him back to health.... or are you? Can your H have overnights yet? I'd suggest a taste of reality for him to have one when the baby's sick. But I'm an EVIL person! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Topie<p>Not sure Id have the strength to let him go to his dads O/N when sick. I know, I'll have to do it one day. He hasnt been o/n yet - I'm still breastfeeding.<p>and if he does get sicker - I'll come here first I promise B4 I say anything to H.<p>Dancer

Well, one of many reasons children have fathers is to get them out of the hands of smothering mothers now and again and toughen them up a bit. And if your H has been gone a year, is this kid really a baby, or a toddler?<p>On specific issues, if it's a hot day--and the sun is going to make it hot inside the car from the greenhouse effect--what would you do instead? Let the kid swelter? Leave the windows open, and risk a draft? As long as the kid isn't in a direct blast of air from the A/C, turning it on to keep the temperature pleasant sounds sensible to me.<p>And if he's on antibiotics I should think he's already protected against any germs he might happen to encounter in a swimming pool, which is going to be chlorinated anyway.<p>In my experience the average American mother does worry too much about germs and about cold. It makes us wonder how any child survived in the old days. The answer is that kids develop immunity to germs through gradual exposure to them, and a body temperature regulation system though exposure to cold. A sterile environment kept at the "perfect" temperature doesn't allow kids to develop their own body defenses.<p>Apart from that:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>H has told me so many times while married that he thinks I dont need him and can get on fine without him...which in turn hurts him as he didnt feel he could offer me anything.<hr></blockquote><p>It sounds as though you're rubbing salt into the same old wound by telling your H you don't trust him to take care of his son. A lot of fathers have a problem with mothergating. If I were you I'd relax, drop the Mom role and let him look after things for the day, and be grateful for the opportunity to watch a good movie or something--which will also take your mind off your worries. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Oh, the "breastfeeding" remark wasn't there when I started writing that. Not to worry, God is watching; S will come back in one piece!

Eddystone<p>Youre a male right?<p>Yes, hes only 6 months old.<p>Yes I know I seem overprotective<p>You sound like you are either....
- my H's OW
- her H
- my H
- my H's relatives from down south who dont like me
- my H's Mum, but I doubt that one.<p>So which one are you????<p>Dancer

I am nervous to say this because there is some controversy surrounding it, and your thread is not the place to start a controversy. But, I am concerned about your baby's health and the health of the population in general (which of course makes no sense right now, huh). What I am trying to say is that antibiotics are ineffective against viral infections. They should only be used for bacterial infections. The medical community has started limiting the use of antibiotics based on types of infection. Overuse and incomplete use is causing "super bugs" which have mutated and built a resistance to the various treatments. If your son comes in contact with a "super bug" it may not do anything, but it could. This is not to alarm you, because it is a rare occurence, but is happening. Please research this if you don't believe me. If your doc says something against this, don't take it at face value. If you find I am wrong, then forget I said this. As I said, I do not want to start a controversy on your thread. If I am right, I do not judge you as a bad mom, stuff happens, and Lord knows I have my share of difficulties.<p>And, yes, He will take care of your baby boy, because you have honored Him by praying for him. Might I suggest you read "The Power of the Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian? The first thing you pray for is that God would help you release your child(ren) into His care. He loves them more than we can ever, knows them inside-out, and can see things that will occur. We cannot be there 24/7, so we need Someone who can be.<p>Hoping

Dancer, no, I'm certainly not your H's OW! Perish the thought! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm none of those five people. As you probably gathered, I did jump to a conclusion to start with about how old S is, based on various clues. It turns out he's only 6 months after all. I'm sure he'll still be all right though.<p>As for my attitude, that comes from several places. Part of it is general experience and what seems like common sense to me. I do think for instance that we have two parents, ideally, because in some respects (not all) they bring different approaches to parenting that complement one another. Sometimes this means conflict as well, but if it does, that has to be ironed out. I expect many people would agree that far.<p>I also think more generally that there's far too much worrygutsing and overprotectiveness of children in today's American society. Fears are added to and actively reinforced instead of being dispelled with reassurance. There are many reasons for this that I need not go into here, but childraising often lacks the perspective not only of gender, but of time and also of space (other cultures and subcultures). I was pleased to see that a guy named Frank Furedi over in the UK had written a book called Paranoid Parenting to point out the needlessness of all this nervous-nellyism. It hasn't been published over here, but it ought to be.<p>Insofar as there might be anything "personal" behind my attitude, the only thing I can say is that it was my experience as a boy that my Mom would try to be overprotective at times, and my Dad would usually counter her--much to my relief. This wasn't just our opinion. One time she took me to the doctor (female) for a checkup, and afterwards she happened to catch sight of some medical notes the doctor had written privately. There was a comment reading "Only child--fussy Ma!" She was furious about it and went storming into the doctor's office to complain. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But that doesn't mean any of this was a big deal to me. She was a good Mom, my parents got on well together, and between my Dad and myself we had her well trained eventually to stop worrying. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But observation proves that this can become a real problem when there's conflict between the parents--or alternatively it's a cause of conflict between the parents. For instance, it's a common enough scenario in marriage for Mom to get stuck so far into this mothering thing (oh, my baby needs me, all the time!) that she neglects her husband, especially the need for time alone together. Then she wonders why he loses interest, starts resenting her or worse, looking elsewhere. Or else maybe the two of them could have enjoyed doing parenting together, but he doesn't want to do it because she's so fussy and wants every detail done the "right" way (her way) and that only makes him feel incompetent. So he loses interest--then she b!tches and moans because he "won't help her."<p>I've heard the most ridiculous remarks about men's parenting. For instance, here's a guy walking a baby carriage in the park and describing his philosophical musings over the nature of his role as a father as he does so. A woman comments snottily that there's something "self-satisfied" about his air that "gets up her nose," then remarks acidly that "a walk in the park is about exercise, not about existentialism." Come on, she's criticizing him because he's thinking the "wrong" thing while he's taking the kid for a walk? She ought to be grateful for what he's doing! I'd tell her to either quit bellyaching or take the damn kid for a walk herself the next time! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Then there's another mother in a divorce who's trying to grab sole custody of the couple's children for herself, and as "evidence" that her husband "abuses" the children she complains that he let them play in the snow in canvas shoes! If I were the judge I'd stifle my laughter and tell her "bad luck, try harder next time." But I can't escape the suspicion that the divorce itself had a lot to do with her being so critical and controlling.<p>A lot of things don't have to be controlled. When our daughter was three, she suddenly took it into her head that she wanted to put her swimsuit on and go out into the little wading pool we had in the back yard. It was late November and we lived in the Northeast at the time. My wife tried to dissuade her, but she was determined to do it. Well, there's no point getting into fights about these things. My wife shrugged her shoulders and our daughter went out into the back yard. Five minutes later she was back. "Mo-o-om! It's co-o-old out there!" Well, that's what Mom was trying to tell her, but it causes a lot less trouble when she finds out for herself! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I've no doubt there are lots of feelings and worries about wanting to protect a child. Feelings are inevitable. But feelings don't have to be acted upon, certainly not to the point of insistence, and often that's a bad idea. Sometimes the question is "what do you do to get rid of the feelings?" instead. Now I come to think of it, I guess one thing about my Mom is that she'd talk about the fact that she worried over this and that, rather than saying "you have to do this or that (otherwise I can't stand the worry)." That way, feelings can be dealt with as feelings instead of being acted out in neurotic forms of control.<p>About the conversations in your head, I'm not sure what to say other than that that's normal. In fact an executive I used to work for once told a story about this. He left for work one morning and everything at home was as usual. He had his "usual good day at work," as he described it, but when he got home his wife was in a funny mood. She seemed uncommunicative and abrupt with him. He couldn't think why. He hadn't done anything or forgotten anything that he could think of. He hadn't exchanged any message with his wife during the day. Finally he asked her outright: "Is anything the matter?"<p>This seemed to bring her back to sudden awareness. "Oh, it's nothing," she said. "I had a fight with you in my head, that's all. It's a female thing," she added by way of explanation. (This brought laughter from the meeting.) She went on to say how, during the day, she imagined a conversation with him: "and I'd say this to you, and then you'd say that, and I'd get mad."<p>But I don't know that this is entirely a "female thing." His reason for telling the story was to illustrate a point about business communication. Some people were doing just that: making negative predictions about how another person would respond to them. Tom would have a business problem he should be resolving with Harry, say, but he'd tell himself: "It's no good talking to Harry, I'm only going to get this answer or that answer, and no help." So he wouldn't talk to Harry, and he'd try to struggle with the problem himself while b!tching and moaning to everyone else that "it's no use talking to Harry." Then they wouldn't talk to Harry either, and everybody would be struggling with their own problems in isolation instead of working them out together.<p>So I don't know about this "conversation in the head" thing. It's normal all right; there's no doubt about that. And if it helps to discharge angry feelings and get rid of them, that's all to the good. It's also a good idea if it's a method of imagining alternative ways to handle a conversation. But if it whips up angry feelings instead, or reinforces a negative way of thinking (and feeling) about someone, maybe it's better avoided. Maybe a conversation with God can be better sometimes? Food for thought anyway.<p>Take care! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: Eddystone ]</p>

Dear Eddystone
I really enjoyed your post...One of the areas of discontent my WS discussed after DD was my parenting style. He told me I was always overprotective and would never allow any compromise regarding children. When they were babies, I knew more than he did for sure but he actually did quite well with them....he's always
been a great Dad. I guess most of the controversy began as they hit the teen-age years. I know we did a good job...they are all well and happy except for the awful affects of the A the last few months. My oldest (27&24) do not speak to him but the younger two are still home as is WS...I'm struggling with the arrangement now because A is still hot and heavy. Anyway, the truth is I wish we had been able to communicate better about many things including child-rearing. My husband told me it was easier to give in to me than argue about the kids. Resentment towards me grew and WS says this is big factor in his A.
The things you learn about your life because of an A are startling sometimes. One minute he tells me how much he respects me because I'm such a great mother and the next he tells me how much his OW respects him for being such a great family man..of course all the while she is contributing primarily to the break up of our family! Talk about the fog....the two of them are hopelessly lost in that fog of lies and rationalizations.
I have to go run myself silly to help fight off the panic that comes over me sometimes.
Thanks for the insight.
Wintergal

dancer-as far as the conversations-i do it all the time. its probably the only way ill get the outcome i want! its fine, its just a release. go with it one day and really let loose- you'll be on the floor laughing by the end of the conversation!<p>as far as your baby, yes i said baby-because no matter what his age he will always be her baby! he will be fine. i have been where you are with a very spitefull ex-h. name it he did it-yes even kidnapping. by doing what you are doing you are showing him your weakness-your love for your son. he will use that to hurt you when neccesary. let him be the parent he is-good bad or ugly son will grow up loving him anyway. he will also become old enough one day to realize the whole truth. dont interfere with his parenting-let him fumble and make mistakes along the way just like us. yes i said us-if you havent made a mistake yet you will-we all do. accept that there is no such thing as a perfect parent and move on. the only time you intervene should be in dangerous situations-not what you deem dangerous-but truely dangerous. try to relax as a parent and enjoy everyday-my first baby is 12 yrs old and 5'6" and my second baby is 6yr old and 6o lbs. i grow them big. good luck to you. and try to remember "Every night you put them to bed and they are still breathing- you have had a good day!"

Eddystone,<p>I'm going to post you a personal apology...so check it out unless you have already...<p>Wintergal and Nikko,<p>you guys and Eddystone and everyone else are right...I feel bad i crapped on like a patheitic selfish mother...i know my H is a wonderful Dad, he loves his little boy so much, its more than i can bear to see him walk out each time he brings him home. I do and say alot of things i regret sometimes, i wish i could learn faster, i do so much damage and i never mean to.<p>Ive got and read Power of a Praying Parent and pray some of the prayers at times.<p>I really owe Eddystone an apology...I was quite upset with his first reply, but I took it the wrong way. <p>Dancer

dancer-dont fret it. we all do and say strange things in the name of protecting our children. as a parent he'll understand. just remember if it feels right in your heart, then your ok. as parents we know our children better than anybody else,just do your best and enjoy.you want to talk about a rollercoaster of emotions??its also called parenting. our kids cause us the greatest joys and sorrows too. just enjoy and do what you believe is right.