Okay, I had another good weekend with my WW. We spent alot of time together but no real R talk. I asked wife my one LB Question: did she talk to or see OM this week? She said she talked to him once, but that she didn't want to spend whole day talking about this with me. I said fine. I asked if she called him or he called her-she said he called her. She said they didn't see each other and she is not going to see him. Fine-end of discussion.<p>Then, Sat nite-after WW went to bed-I went into Divorce chatroom under different name and chatted with OM. WOW! I couldn't believe what he said. He is D'ing his wife because she is pregnant by another guy. He has a "so what" attitude-that their marriage was over anyway. <p>He said he is in love with someone else anyway (my WW) but she "isn't completely out of a relationship yet".<p>Then he said that "she (my WW) wants her husband (me)to give her a certificate of D but he won't". <p>Then he said "she still lives with her husband, and he knows all about me, but they are not together".<p>Finally, he said he is "just waiting for her to make the move".<p>Now I am scared and confused. Could this OM be living in a dream world?? Is he in a fog???
My wife has not talked one bit about divorce. She has never mentioned it! She has said she will never hurt me again. That she loves me. She wants to stay married to me forever, etc.<p>So, this morning, I told my wife that I still have some doubts about our situation. That she should understand that it will take time to regain my trust. She asked "what doubts?" and I said I fear that she is setting me up to break my heart again. That I don't understand why she hasn't just told OM that she wants to stay married and never wants to see or talk to him again. Then she replied "How do you know I haven't done that?" I said that he's still calling, isn't he? And that if she admits she talked to him once, it's likely she talked to him more than that based on past experience. <p>My wife than told me "Look, I want to be with you. I love you. I appreciate that you have stayed with me. Just be patient." I told her that all I want from her is the same things she would want from me: genuine love, commitment and consideration. She said she will try to give me those things.<p>ANYWAY- here's my question? Why is OM on the Internet telling strangers that he is waiting for my wife to divorce me and go to him when my wife is telling me it's over with him and she's with me forever??

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>ANYWAY- here's my question? Why is OM on the Internet telling strangers that he is waiting for my wife to divorce me and go to him when my wife is telling me it's over with him and she's with me forever?? <hr></blockquote><p>Because she's lying to you both.<p>But I suspect you already knew that.

dear boppo-im sorry i cant decipher om fogese-half the time i dont even know what the heck my own wh's fogese means. hang in there though. good luck.

I dunno lexxy, I think it is possible boppos wife is telling the truth, and the om just is living a fantasy, unable to accept it is over between them. Something doesn't jive here re boppos report of the om conversation, sounded like boasting, or trying to not look like a loser of some such....that doesn't mean boppos wife is here for the duration, I think she is simply telling him the truth, she does not want to hurt him, she is here for now, and she is not pursuing the om...but BOPPO do not take that to mean your wife has chosen you, she has not. She is in the place many empathic ws end up, you are not bad enought to leave, but she does not feel the passion for you, so she goes into hold mode....you can only do one thing...be the best boppo you can be, quit asking any questions (you did again STOP DOING THIS, it reminds her why she left you in the first place every time you do it). <p>You can choose to wait as little or as long as you want, but what you (and most bs with this kind of ws) have trouble understanding, is you already lost your wife....you are dating her again now, do not pressure her into marriage....she has to choose you on her own for the right reasons (and not wanting to hurt you is definitely not the right reason)...there is no gaurantee, she may not come back, ever...but you have a chance, and seemingly a good one, don't waste it....I would keep up the intelligence gathering though, just don't let her know it. You have a right to your own decisions too, but the only boundary that should be kept is she does not continue the active affair, not much you can do about some contact, she will stop that when it suits her, and is not really hurting you anyways. I agree in principle with harleys re not seeing the op, but like most theories, it ain't gonna work all the time.... in the final analysis a ws will decide what they are gonna do re op, not the bs, and I think this kind of minimal contact is not particularly injurious to recovery, and may even be helpful...what you want is for her to choose not to talk to om anymore, not cause of pressure, or coercion, but simply cause she no longer wants too...you are gonna have to trust her. And besides, she is an adult, and no one, not even a spouse has any status to tell her who she can and cannot talk too....if a bs objects they can always leave, that is their choice too...but I do think it fair she tell you...and as long as you are safe, she will apparently, so you got it pretty good actually...just remember in her mind you are dating, she stopped being married to you when she pursued the om, and she will give him up in her own time, when she is ready.<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Thanks for the replies. <p>SnL- I appreciate your post. I, too, got the sense the OM was bragging -in all my interactions with him- both identified and anonymous- he has come across as arrogant.<p>In a previous chat room encounter-he told someone his "soulmate's husband knows all about me and is still hanging on - can you believe that one-LOL".
That comment really steamed me. <p>On another note-my wife has forever said she can't stand arrogant, conceited men. Yet, when I look back on her dating history, including guys she dated since we've met, they all were sorta arrogant and conceited, big muscle bound guys with hot cars, etc. Even the current OM was voted "most conceited" in high school. I am what most would consider "humble" - sometimes to the point I think maybe of perceived wimpiness.<p>Could it be that my wife wants me to be more "macho" - perhaps taking a firmer stand on what I'll accept in her behavior- or would that be seen as "controlling"?<p>I have to say one of the biggest changes I've made that my wife has noticed is when I follow thru with what I say I'm going to do or not do. Conversely, whenever I don't-(i.e. I talk about OM when I say I won't) she immediately calls me on it.

B57,<p> Lay of the R talk. If you can't do that due to the snooping(ie; talking to OM)then quit snooping.<p> I have to agree with SNL on this one. You are dating again. Even though it is forced upon you. Even though you may not like it. So date, and stop the R talk. <p> Oh yeah, don't be too whimpy. <p> jd

Boopo - I agree with SnL. I know that it is very hard to let go and let the chips fall where they may, but this is exactly what we BSs need to do. For some reason that seems to be the one thing that really get their attention.<p>Hang in there.
Sinking

Boppo,
I agree with Lexxy, contact is continuing, she's telling you she wants the marriage and be patient, she's probably telling him her marriage is almost over and be patient. A WS can keep that up a long time, my H did it for 18 months.<p>And, I agree with SNL, you can't make her stop contact. Your choices remain the same: Plan A, Plan B or divorce her. Pick one and follow through for a set minimum amount of time. I personally think Plan A is a good choice for you. But Plan A is pretty tough when you know the contact is continuing. Lovebusters are never the right choice, especially when the WS is still behaving in a confused manner. <p>When words and actions conflict, believe the actions.

Just a bump for more comment. <p>Should I be concerned that OM has sent my wife e-mails the last few days after no e-mails for weeks. Or should I take comfort in fact that wife has not even gone on-line once in almost 3 weeks. Thus she isn't reading the e-mails he sends (neither am I so I don't know what they say.)

stay the course, he is getting desperate, and cannot let go....of course could be some weird conspiracy to confuse you (and I know you wonder about that) but even if was, you will find out soon enough....I'd go with occams razor, the simplest explanation is probably the right one... if pursuit is only flowing one way, then a relationship is failing, if I were you I'd turn up the plan a efforts and give her a little space to pursue YOU.<p>btw if you start pushing and LB'ing again, we are gonna form a posse and come down there and scare bejeepers out of you.<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Well, from my past experience of being a WW I would say that she probly FEELS like she's telling you both the truth, but if she's still undecided AT ALL then you and the OM are BOTH getting half truths. HOWEVER...realize that what is said in a chat room is often what the person WANTS to be true, not necessarily what IS true. There is always so much more to what's going on than just what little is said there. OP fog? YOU BETCHA! My OM was a very nice guy and never NEVER would have sought out the situation we wound up in...he remained in the fog to justify our "love"...to justify the pain we were putting ourselves and others through...because it all went TOTALLY against what was right in his mind, so that either made him wrong and he was going to have to do something about it...or fog... Fear and pain chose fog...it seemed easier at the time.<p>If your wife is truly re-dedicated to you...TOTALLY...you will know it. My husband KNOWS now...I don't think he often doubts it. Probly once in a while, in a moment of fear...but he can SEE it in my actions to him. When I wasn't sure, and wasn't totally committed to this marriage...we didn't touch much (at all at some times), I didn't frolic and tease him, didn't tell him I love him over and over (normally we tell each other many times a day)..and I wouldn't allow any talk of the OM or what happend or what WAS happening. Kind of like wife did to you? If you are TOTALLY recommitted you drop the bs and put it all on the line. You decide whether or not it's over...and you commit to doing what it takes to win back the other persons respect and faith in you. No more lies...no more secrets...no more walls to protect you. Sounds like your wife still needs to make that full committment. Believe me, once the decision is totally made...it's less of an effort and more of a "rebirth". Atleast it has been in our case. We're like honeymooners and it's been 4 months. The only thing that gets in the way of our total happiness is work work work....and it's tough to find that "intimacy" time with a 3 yr old.<p>Anyway...hope this helps.

was SNL just funny!?!?!? you always seem so stoic and to the point. i like funny, its good.