Not sure how long it's been... but some 'good' things:<p> H seems to be more aware of me. For example... my stomach growled in Sunday School yesterday... a few minutes later H got up and brought me a bagel w/ cream cheese. I was shocked... he hasn't done something like this in the longest!
Noticed this last week too. When the boys were babies and we went out to eat... I began to hate it... I ended up holding one of them... or feeding them... you know... and never really relaxed and got to eat... I can't number the times I just had my meal boxed up and ate it at home. well, at a restaurant recently, my meal was the last one served (someone messed up in the kitchen)... H actually served me a portion of his food... so I wouldn't have to wait... when the babies were little, he'd just eat and not pay attention to what I was doing... never knew if I ate or not...
After grocery shopping, I usually used to ask (okay... demand) that he help bring groceries in... after d-day... I quit entirely... haven't asked him since... just bring them in myself... also... he always acted like he didn't know where anything went... so he never helped w/ the unpacking... yesterday... he put the groceries away...<p>Seems like everyday I notice him doing things he never used to do... or I used to wish that he'd do w/out me having to ask...<p>The last big thing is that we went to the jewelers on Friday to get the prongs on my anniversary ring tightened. H started looking at mens' rings. He told the jeweler what he was looking for... then showed him his wedding ring... he's not worn it since August... kept it on his key chain... the jeweler told him that he could remake it into something like that which my H had been looking... H was hesitant... I said that I'd really like it... BUT that I wanted him to only do what HE WANTED TO DO... if it was comfortable for him... that I didn't want him to feel pressured.... anyway... we left his old ring to be remade into a new wedding ring...<p>I am fighting really hard the urge to have a relationship talk. I'd really like to know where his head is at... what he's thinking about... I feel much more stable now... but have moments of unsurity... I don't want to feel deluded... or to 'assume' anything... so like I said... I am fighting that urge... when and if he does talk, I'd like it to be of his own initiative. <p>Hugs to all,
Cali

Cali, I am so very happy for you. You have worked so hard and helped all of us through your struggles. You deserve this.<p>I applaud you and pray for your continued recovery.

keep resisting the rtalk.<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: sad_n_lonely ]</p>

Cali- that is so encouraging! I am so glad your H has taken to caring about some of your needs. You have been a great source of support for me and others.<p>God bless.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am fighting really hard the urge to have a relationship talk. I'd really like to know
where his head is at... what he's thinking about... I feel much more stable now... but have moments of unsurity... I don't want to feel deluded... or to 'assume' anything... so like I said... I am fighting that urge... when and if he does talk, I'd like it to be of his own initiative.<hr></blockquote><p> Cali,<p> Keep fighting those urges. You know how quickly your need to know can turn things sour for H. It sounds like he has made SOOOOO much progress. <p> At some point the R discussion will have to happen. I like that you are willing to wait for H to get that rolling. Hang tough Cali.<p> jd

Cali - things are definately looking up for you and you really deserve this. I have kept a close eye on your story from the beginning and it is so nice to see things starting to go work. I know it seems like a long haul, but you are getting there. <p>Be patient with the R talk. Whe you start to think about bringing it up remember some of these positive things that he has done on his own and that you wondered if he would do any of those things at all. He is starting to come around becuase I think he is really starting to believe that you are not trying to control the situation. Let him take the lead on the R talk too. <p>Hang in there. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Sinking.

Cali---the Queen of Plan A [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You know what to do about that R talk for now...<p>You rock...<p>E<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]</p>

Cali,<p>I can't remember who's grandmother said this but, "Do you want to have a relationship, or a relationship talk?"<p>Yeah, I know. A real relationship should be able to handle having some of those talks. It would not surprise me if he was trying to "act as if"... which I would interpret as a good thing. Just guess how he would respond, though, if you were to press him. Remember, nice actions generate good feelings all around (no matter what the original intention) and tend to feed the impulse to do more nice things.<p>Like SNL says- you're dating again. Go slow, enjoy it. Enjoy the feeling of being treated differently.<p>I surprised my W this weekend. She and S-14 were at a band thingee all Satur. They came home to find dinner on the table - made her pretty happy. It made me feel good, too. <p>Just remembering now that she didn't "tell" me to have something figured out for dinner (she does that sometimes). If she had, then neither of us would have been as "happy" with the result. It wouldn't have been a "bad" thing, just that I wouldn't have had an opportunity to "think" of her and she would've missed the chance to be appreciative. <p>Hmmm... does that story say that it's bad to have things too well arranged? (and figured out?)<p>Jeffers

Cali,<p>You are one lucky woman, I have tears running of happiness in my eyes.<p>you have all ready been told some good advice.<p>NOW FOLLOW IT.<p> when you feel the urge to have that R talk, think about all the NICE things your H is doing, remember that is his way of showing how much he cares<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

What a great time this must be for you Cali [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Just go with the flow and enjoy this new level that you have brought your marriage to. It's great to read about someone's happiness. Congratulations on a well fought war

Hi Cali ~<p>I forced soooooooo many relationship talks. All they caused, even when we were officially in recovery, was a great deal of resentment on the part of my H. <p>For awhile, we did have scheduled talks. Once a week, for one hour, we talked. That helped, because I got some stuff out that I needed to talk about, and he knew he could escape after an hour. <p>I'm not quite sure what happened that led to my not desperately needing talks, but once I stopped harrassing him to talk, and just started acting ... the relationship talks started to happen on the spur of the moment. Casual discussions turn towards "us" at many times. It's FAR more satisfying this way!

Cali,<p>I'm doing the snoopy happy dance for you!!!!!<p>And .......<p>absolutely NO TALKS<p>If there's a talk to be had, let your H initiate it. <p>I know you want to KNOW what he's doing. But it's entirely possible he is not doing these things consciously. They just are ... and you don't need any reassurance do you, because you have his actions.<p>p.s. I'd feel just as you do, but I'd hope someone would tell me what I've told you. <p>Jo

You don't know how good it was to read your post. I made the decision this morning that the relationship talks had to end. I'm not going to bring up anything, hold my tongue, and see if his mood improves any. It was so good to hear what you had to say and how you've been doing and to hear all the other members responses to you. It just makes me think more positively about my decision. Good luck to you, I know it's not easy to not bring anything up (at least for me it won't be) but I really liked the suggestion of thinking about the positive things that he is doing when I get the urge.

Cali <p>You rock!!!!!<p>Right now just avoid the relationship talks.... it will put him on the spot. Actions always speak louder then words. <p>If this was not real, it would be more likely to be virbal. People will say what ever they think will surve their purpose.. takes very little energy. <p>From what I know of your H, he's not none to put on a show. <p>Hang in there, things are turning around.

I've got an idea for ya! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>True, you cannot bring up the topic of talking about your relationship... BUT, how about a song??? What song would that be, you ask???<p>"Tell Her About It" by Billy Joel<p>Play it over and over again. Let it become your new favourite song. It may not take long before your H will start listening to the words, and they'll sink in. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Let me know if it works, k? I tried it with my H the other day, and said, "That man's a genius. He really knows what he's singing about". [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] That flew right over my H's head though.<p>Karen

Wow, that sounds great!<p>Does your H have an EN for admiration? If so, those are/were golden opportunities to fill the love bank in that area...<p>My H does not have a big need for admiration, yet and still, it is good to focus on the positive and give compliments on the good things instead of being critical of every little thing that is not quite perfect.<p>It's nice to feel like your #1 Love is going out of their way to be considerate to you. I'm smiling with you! May it continue!

Thank you all for your replies!!<p>I can't post much today... busy day at school...<p>but I promise to get back to all of you... <p>Hugs,
Cali

Cali,
Just wanted to throw my support into the mix with all the rest of "us" who are SOOOOO happy for you!!! Things are Definitely going in the right directioN!!!!<p>Great advice about staying away from "relationship" talks......<p>BTW - Are you VALIDATING him when he does all these *wonderful* things for you?? Don't miss an opportunity to tell him how wonderful you think he is, and thank him.... I think I got that idea from Bramblerose (?).<p>All my prayers for happiness.

Well, I've been through the ringer today... family stuff--dealing w/ kids... suffice to say a few issues were pressed into being... still not sure what the result is... and I know I am being obtuse... but the overall issue is extremely sensitive dealing w/ my boys... anyway, while I didn't have a 'relationship' talk... the talk we did have because of the issue was much like one... <p>my issue... I still feel I am operating w/out a net... I 'thought' I was in a committed marriage before A... and now I am 'afraid' to 'assume' such again... so I end up walking on eggshells... much the same pattern I had in my teenage years w/ stepfather...<p>his issue... feeling incompetant... which I seem to 'accidentally' trigger via the 'way' I say things to him...<p>boy... you really do keep on working out those old childhood issues w/ your mate... don't you...<p>Terrified thanks for your applause.<p>SnL must be the shortest post you've ever made to me... I am resisting...<p>Boppo57 keep on keeping on...<p>jdmac1 hanging tough... but it has been hard today.<p>sinkingfast we came on about the same time to the boards...thanks for the constant support.<p>Elad Princess... Princess... Lotsva is the Queen! Hugs!<p>jeffers yeah... he's acting as if , I just hope he's not lying to me and himself that it's what he really wants... and that he does still want to date me... and that he's not settling.<p>sing I know he cares for me... just hope he's staying cause he's choosing me and not the marriage... ya' know...<p>tinydancer the rollercoaster has its ups and downs... be prepared for the downs... hold tight your ups!<p>BrambleRosewhat about when situations force relationship talks? I'm having trouble handling that...<p>ResilientTHANKS! I do try to listen to the voice of experience...<p>hurting3475It's early days for you yet... remember it took nearly a year for us to get into this place... good luck to you!<p>zorweb that ugly situation reared it's head yesterday and forced some issues between us... I'm feeling rather ragged at the edges... thanks for reminding me about the actions... sometimes I just worry about what he's not saying... I don't want to assume anything!<p>Topie25 how's that nonsmoking thing going?? I thought about that suggestion this morning... H was playin a Craig David (or vice versa... hate those two first name names)....album... the words to the song were I'm walking away... I'm walking away from the troubles in my life wondering what H was thinking... 'cause that's what I used to tell him... that he was walking away from his family and his troubles... <p>BTDT Thanks... I will work on that admiration piece.<p>lupolady I'm listening! Validation here I am!<p>Hugs to all...
Cali

Congratulations Cali,<p>I am glad things are looking up for you a little bit....may they continue to do so!!!! Pat