JL called it-- OM has dumped my W.<p>I haven't posted here in a few weeks, because nothing too interesting had been happening in my situation. I still have not filed for D, as I'm doing some more self-examination to be absolutely sure what I want. I'm also still reaching out to W as a friend. Even though she had been acting more emotionally stable the last few weeks, I knew she wasn't out of the woods yet. Last week I found out that I was right, and she's still hurting very badly and needs support.<p>Last Thursday she called me and was very upset. She told me how insecure she was feeling in her relationship with OM. Get this-- she actually started snooping on him. She had been checking the messages on his pager, and finding lots of them from OMW. Many of them contained a secret code for "I love you". W was afraid to confront OM with her evidence, since she didn't want to admit to snooping. But she did ask him if he'd had much contact with OMW, or if OMW ever told him that she loved him. Of course, he lied. W was very upset by this, and petrified that he'd leave her. Lucky for her I was willing to listen and sympathize for her. I avoided the temptation to offer advice and opinions.<p>She called again late Friday night, and she was even more upset. This time, she said he dumped her. Apparently he told her that he's going to work on his marriage, and that the A is over. W was devastated. All I could do was reassure her that I have faith in her ability to survive this. Truth is, I give it one week at best before OM changes his mind and comes back to her. He's already asked her not to "close the door", so he apparently wants her to be his "spare" now. IMO, his marriage has no chance of success as long as he hasn't closed his heart to my W.<p>Maybe the A really is over. I kind of doubt it, but I suppose it could be. If not, I think it's getting weaker and weaker, and it's going to die soon. For now, I'm going to continue to bide my time, and work on myself. I will offer support to W, but I will also be careful not to make myself emotionally vulnerable to her. I am carefully planning how to proceed with my D if that's what I choose to do. I still haven't given up hope that I'll get to talk with W in a post-fog state before making that decision.<p>For those who have survived an A and watched it die, does it seem like this one is over? If not, does it seem like it's coming to an end? Am I doing the right thing by offering my friendship and support? Am I doing the right thing by keeping my opinions and advice to myself? JL, does your crystal ball show any more hints of what lies in my future?<p>I'd love to hear all of your opinions, as I'm pretty much just playing it by ear. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.<p>BP<p>P.S. I had a great weekend despite the conversations I had with W. Six months ago I wouldn't have had the emotional strength to give her support through something like this. My advice to everyone is to keep a positive attitude about yourself. Here's a thought that I find to be very empowering: you are worthy of happiness, and you can achieve happiness without help from anyone else.

I could not have done what you did, supporting her through this. That is all that I can offer except prayers for you that the affair really is over.

As a BS who has been through the death of W's A, these seem to be very good signs. The fantasy seems to be becoming reality (mistrust of OM, he really is no "soulmate" now is he? Just a guy cheating on his W, what an eye-opener for WS).<p>I would just advise to stay the course. Protect yourself, as you know by now you can't predict what will happen with A and it is out of your hands anyway. Keep strong buddy, because it appears you may be faced with some BIG choices coming up. When the A totally crashes, THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. You will have won, but what have you won? Are you up for rebuilding? These are things for YOU to decide, not WS. You will not have any time or energy to enjoy your "victory," because you will have another fork in the road. Start preparing for what you want to do next, and watch from the distance as your WS faces reality.

B_P,<p>Well, I would like to take credit for my great ability to see the future, but the reality is/was that the affair will end. The OM is married and your W is probably not who he would marry.<p>Frankly, my crystal ball says that you will be happily married... to someone else, unless your W gets into counseling. This is her third affair starting from before you two were married. She has not addressed why she has done this.<p>It is clear that she needs you for stability, and it seems to me you may well have saved her life, literally. By having you to talk to she has someone to confide in that won't hurt her any further. That doesn't mean you cannot divorce her, but it won't be until you marry someone else that she will truely face that you are gone.<p>IF she gets counseling, and can address whatever it is that is motivating her, then there is hope, but you have no control of that.<p>B_P, I wish I could be more positive and hopefully I am completely wrong. Maybe your being there for her will wake her up and she will see what she has had all along: the man that truely loved her and helped her. <p>My feeling is that you need to continue to keep helping her. You need to keep looking inward to determine what it is that you want to do and how you want to do it. <p>I do know that you have helped her more than she realizes and as I said my guess is that she may well have tried suicide again if not for being able to call you. But, her OM is not going to give up his marriage and a good chunk of money from his medical practice for her, so it wasn't much of a great leap to predict what has happened and will probably happen again. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep talking my Man. You have done well and will do well. I am confident of that. THe only one to worry about is your W. I sure wish I knew what to tell you to help her see what she has already. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

nursebetty, thank you for your compliment, and especially for your prayers. I also will be praying.<p>johhny ballgame, thank you for your experienced point of view. It's nice to know that someone who's been in this situation sees the same signs that I do. I will take to heart your advice to think about what I want, to prepare for what I want to do next, and to watch from a distance.<p>JL, thank you once again for your words of widsom, and for the strength I get from reading your posts. I may have neglected to mention that W has been in counseling for months, and she is trying to address her motivations. She seems quite comfortable with her therapist, and from what she's told me I think the therapist has offered some valuable insight. The two of them have put together some credible theories about why W has made the decisions she has. They have talked about our M, and about W's history before our relationship began. I hope W is patient and keeps with the counseling, because I still think she has a long way to go. She needs more than theories-- she needs some solutions for how to change her behavior.<p>W called me this afternoon and asked me to stop by on my way home from work. I did, and we talked for about an hour and a half. I noticed right away that she seemed much more upbeat and in control. I immediately assumed OM had already come back to her. It turns out that I was partially correct. I was pleasantly surprised to hear about W's reaction to him. Apparently he called W last night and asked her to see him. W had made plans to visit some friends, mainly to cry on their shoulders and seek support (I'm glad she reached out to her friends). She told OM she had plans, and she'd call him the next day (today). She said that she had a new feeling of strength; for the first time in months, she didn't drop her plans and come running to him. She said that for once, she felt like she could survive without him.<p>She went on to say that she'd been petrified of losing him, and then it happened (at least temporarily). She now knows that her worst fear came true, and yet she survived. This has made her feel stronger-- sounds like me 7 months ago when she left me. I think she was speaking from the heart, and I think this is a big step forward for her. Finally, she told me that she's decided she will no longer try to make things work with OM unless he completely resolves things with his W. Of course, I'm afraid he'll lie to W and hurt her again. But that's completely out of my control. Anyway, I'm very pleased with the things W told me today. Could it be that the fog is thinning? Maybe just a little?<p>I suggested we get together to shoot some pool, and maybe see a movie sometime soon. W seemed quite receptive to both ideas, but we haven't yet made any definite plans. I think it might be time for us to get together for fun, without discussing any relationship issues.<p>Right now I know I will survive and live a happy life. I'm beginning to believe that W will survive as well. Am I crazy to be this optimistic right now?<p>As always, all of your thoughts, opinions, advice, and support are greatly appreciated.<p>BP