Well... where do I start, I have been reading all the messages posted on this sight for the past week and decided I could use some support. The long and short of my story is this - My H of 10 years was watching TV the night of Feb. 1, and just came out and asked me if I was happy? My answer at the time was - No, not right now, He has always been a very depressive person and I have over time learned to know when he was in one of his "Moods" and learned how to handle it but this one seemed to be lasting longer than most but I had just put it off to the fact that we had been living with my parents for the past year in order to save money to buy a house and we just needed to get on with our lives (and we were just about there), but this night he just looked at me and told me that I wasnt his "soul mate" and that he wanted out. I had almost exspected I'm not happy, we need help - I didnt exspect that he would want to leave. I convinced him to move out with me and the kids and try counsling, we found a house the next week and started moving on the 16th - our 10th wedding anniv. That day, he disappeared for a bit and I began to wonder if there might be someone else, I got his cell phone, paged through it and sure enough found her number but I still didnt believe it- So I confronted my H and asked him if he was cheating on me and he got all defensive and said no - so, I called the number and sure enough her H answered the phone, we talked and she admitted everything - they work together and I once even tried to get her a job at my office. She called everything off the next day and to this point still wont even talk to my H but he blams me for him losing his "friend". We are living together in the house with the kids and are both seeing counslors - His has gave him a depression level of 90 out of 100 but doesnt have him on any meds. He is only 32 but this almost feels like a mid-life thing, he hates his job, I'm to controling, I forced him to have the kids, we wants a get rid of my Van for a 2 door car, things like that. I love my H and want to make this work but I cant trust him at all and he get mad at me for checking up on him or asking when he'll be home, etc... but for some reason this was like a wake up call to me - I realized that yes, we had problems and had let the little things in life slip and now I want them back - things like back rubs, or holding hands but he feels that I'm trying way too hard and as long as he is in the house and still talking to me that he is trying - Somedays I feel like I'm going to go crazy - I guess I just need to hear from someone who has been in my place and lived through it.

You poor dear, I am so sorry for this awful thing that has happened to you. I am at work and can't write long... please read as much as you can... you have posted to the right forum, you will get loads of replies here.. you may also try just found out.<p>Get the book right away surviving an affair, you can get this at a discount at half.com if you can wait a few days for mail. <p>Rd. book, and stay here and get support.<p>You are lucky your h is home and she called it off.<p>His actions and word sound so much like my h's... I am just not happy anymore... is what my h sd.<p>He at first lied and I too found out from the cell phone... and his mysterious disappearances... what a HO! you know what I mean, very glad she called it off!<p>Anyway, take a deep breath, you will get through this... <p>My H also wanted back rubs, hand holding and etc... and i wasn't even willing to give it to him [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Gee, how wrong was I?<p>Anyway... you will make it, I will ck in on you tonight.<p>Hugs, HONEY

Hi,<p> I don't have a lot of time but wanted to respond before I have to leave to pick up kids from school. I have been there, but also differently. See if you can get "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Dr. Harley. They were invaluable to me after D-day and I am now using HNHN to get my marriage back where I want it to be. It will be a very hard time, finding about an affair is earth-shattering. <p>I wonder why your H is not on any meds if his deprression is so severe? I think you have to see a doctor for that, as they are by prescription. A counselor wouldn't be able to prescribe. Please read this website, it has lots of really great info, and keep posting. I hope someone else will have a bit more time to respond to you. Hang in there. I will check back in later tonight.

I'm one whose WS has improved. He claims he is in love with me (said that the first time about 1 month after D-day) and is more affectionate, attentive and respectful.<p>Read SAA and start Plan A. It helps to have a plan with a light at the end of the tunnel.<p>The antidepressants are a good idea if your H is that depressed, and there is a book called Letting Go by Tracy Cabot and Zev Wanderer that gives behavior therapy strategies for getting over a lost love, which may be helpful to help your H get through the withdrawal period. Dr. Harley says the withdrawal from the OP is like withdrawal from other addictions, like drugs or alcohol.<p>Most of us here have had many days where we thought we just couldn't take it for one more minute, much less one more day, but we're still here, and some are doing very well. It helps to post and get support during the worst of times.

Thank you so much for the advice - I feel like I'm on this never ending rollercoaster - Last night he was acting like his old self (almost). He called my on his way home, just to chat I think and asked about my day, wanted to know what my counslor had to say... This is the hard part for me, we have never been fighters and still arnt for the most part he is home, talks to me, helps with the kids but yet says that he just doesnt want to be married anymore. He doesnt sleep more than 3 hours a night and somedays its almost like he's angry at the world - He was in the Army for 7 years, weve been out 3 and he has decided to rejoin the reserves because he feels guilty not being in this war, he has actually said that if he could be there right now he would and the kids and I would be fine that we dont need him here. 4 months ago these thought would have never even crossed his mind.

Ok - I have a few minutes and wanted to ask a question of everyone - How much do you trust? My H says the OW wont talk to him but how do I believe it? Last week I went through his cell phone bill and called every number that I didnt know, Ok so I know its stupid and yes I got caught, but I told him "I love you but I dont trust you!" my counslor says I need to let these things go that I'm going to drive him and myself crazy if I dont. <p>

• M 2/16/92
  D-Day 2/1/02
  Kids - 2 girls 6 & 8

Ok - I have a few minutes and wanted to ask a question of everyone - How much do you trust? My H says the OW wont talk to him but how do I believe it? Last week I went through his cell phone bill and called every number that I didnt know, Ok so I know its stupid and yes I got caught, but I told him "I love you but I dont trust you!" my counslor says I need to let these things go that I'm going to drive him and myself crazy if I dont. <p>

• M 2/16/92
  D-Day 2/1/02
  OW 2/16/02
  Kids - 2 girls 6 & 8

Dr. Harley counsels that you SHOULD NOT trust your spouse and that the sooner you know that the better:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html<p>In the MB Newsletter, Steve Harley recently noted that your spouse is the most dangerous person in the world to you. This is because it is your primary relationship, so they have the power to hurt you more than anyone else.<p>Max Lucado says, "Betrayal is a weapon that can only be used in the hands of one you love."<p>Dr. Phil McGraw says, "If you have nothing to hide, then don't."<p>You are under no obligation to trust an adulterous spouse, and in fact it would be foolish and could be dangerous to do so.<p>But it is true that constantly checking and snooping, etc., is anxiety-producing and is just not your responsibility anymore. I chose to turn that over to my WS. Once I knew about the A, I told him it was then up to him to prove to me that he is no longer having an A and to EARN my trust by following the extraordinary precautions that Dr. Harley outlines in SAA. Otherwise, I will do the REASONABLE thing based upon what I now know about him and ASSUME he is continuing an A.<p>It is the betrayer's responsibility to EARN the betrayed's trust. Expecting a BS to trust a WS is like expecting a rape victim to revisit the scene of the crime in the dead of night, all alone, and naked. Definitely not a compassionate thing to do.<p>Distrusting the untrustworthy is an emotionally HEALTHY thing to do. It is the responsibility of those who violate trust to earn it back.

So maybe its not the point to trust him but maybe not to get caught checking up on him. I'm having such a hard time dealing with his mixed signals. Like last night - at 3am I woke up to him pushing my arm off of him - I said "I'm sorry, I didn&#8217;t mean to wake you" and his response was "that was twice tonight" and my response was "sorry, cant I even touch you anymore" and the answer I got was "depends on the day and not today" what the heck is that? It&#8217;s like a guessing game. But today he has called me 4 times to ask different questions and even talked about meeting me for lunch. I have a feeling that the lack of sleep might be affecting him more than anyone is really seeing (he is only sleeping maybe 4 hours a night). <p>I want to believe that he's not seeing the OW anymore and so far I haven&#8217;t caught him in any lies but I know he sees her everyday because they work together - It kills me just thinking about it. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]