My latest session with Steve Harley had a surprising twist. After fifteen months of Plan A, even though he said I was doing "extremely well" in just the previous session, he is telling me I might want to consider filing for divorce with my WW.<p>Steve is concerned about my two daughters. He says I sort of need to "take their temperature" on how they feel about the separation at this point. My wife has beeen pretty successful at getting everything just the way she wants it right now. My kids have gotten used to being bounced back and forth between our two homes every week. At one point, my oldest (16), outright refused to go to her mother's one week. I actually talked her into it.<p>At Steve's suggestion, I also contacted my lawyer today about this issue. He was worried that if we got "too settled" into a system of living that a judge just might want to keep it going if there ever was a custody issue. My lawyer agreed.<p>So I am left with a tough decision. One I never wanted to face, but have imagined from time to time. I mean, I could do some real damage here. I could file for mental cruelty and adultery. The OP even gets served on the adultery issue. The OP's spouse will back me up. It could mean their jobs because it all becomes part of public record. Because my oldest has pleaded with me on several occassions to ask for custody of her, my wife could end up without a job, without a kid, and without me.<p>I know this is all worse case scenario for my wife and what actually happens can only be speculation. But the truth is, I don't really want to do this. All I want is the chance to prove to my wife that we can get through this.<p>But right now, she's just not receiving and is willing to go on forever just like she is...

AH,<p>My inclination is to go with what SH thinks. Your D's are the most important thing to come out of your marriage and you need to take care of them. If your 16 year old doesn't want to go over there, something is really wrong. By the way, in many states a child that old gets to pick which parent.<p>It may alos be the very thing to push your W off the fence. She may land on your side, but if she lands on other side, you have lost nothing from what you have right now, but you will have gained a resolution.<p>Since SH is sooo pro-marriage he must be seeing something that you are not seeing in your hope and love for your W. Or if he has talked with her, she has told him something that he cannot tell you due to his requirements of maintaining confidentiality.<p>Think long and hard AH. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

dear always hopefull- i think you should listen to steve. you need to protect yourself and daughters.
i have a question about something you said-the other person is served for adultry in divorce? can you explain?

Your story is heartbreaking. I agree that if Steve Harley is suggesting divorce there must be a reason. Most states allow a child above the age of 14 to choose where they want to live. You should look into that with your lawyer.<p>This may be the make or break point for your WW. You need to be prepared to deal with how the chips land. <p>I'm really sorry for your pain and I'll keep you in my prayers. Wishing you the best.

ditto JL, as usual.<p>It's the kids, stupid. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Not that your feelings aren't important.<p>As I suggested to someone else here recently, doing the right thing sometimes doesn't amount to much unless it goes down hard and tastes lousy.<p>Dave

Always Hopeful,<p>I'm sorry your W is still fence sitting. But it does seem that SH wouldn't offer such advice unless it wasn't warranted. <p>I know how hard it is to make the move toward D, but if it's effecting your children and your wife is oblivious to that, what does that say of your wife's priorities? <p>You are the reliable and stable, loving parent right now. You've been wonderful and worked very hard in keeping your family together. You're truly to be admired for your strength and resolve. But perhaps it's time to do solely for you and your children. <p>Give it some thought and pray for guidance, and I'll do the same.<p>Lv,
Jo

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I'm really at the "testing the waters" stage right now on this, as Steve suggested. <p>JL-<p>You're correct. I think Steve must have a feeling about this. He doesn't even want me to try Plan B, which is amazing.<p>Nikko-<p>I noticed from another post that you are from NJ as well. My attorney explained to me that when one spouse files for adultery against the other, the OP can be named and served as well. All the OP gets is a certified letter stating that they have been named in the filing. But this all becomes part of public record if the judge decides in favor of the BS.<p>In my case, since the OP has gotten off pretty much scott-free so far, that part almost brings a smile to my lips.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Always Hopeful:
<strong>My attorney explained to me that when one spouse files for adultery against the other, the OP can be named and served as well. All the OP gets is a certified letter stating that they have been named in the filing. But this all becomes part of public record if the judge decides in favor of the BS.<p>In my case, since the OP has gotten off pretty much scott-free so far, that part almost brings a smile to my lips.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>By all means, taint them.<p>I filed a "pleading" laying out the truth and naming OM. It's now on the public record for posterity. I dare him to run for public office.<p>Am I being childish? yep Vindictive? Absolutely! Do I care? Nope.<p>WAT

I'm not sure what the law is in your state but in Mo. after the kids reach a certain age (13 I think) the judge will ask them and get there opinion on what they want and where they want to live. The may not grant it but they will listen to them.
By all means fight for custody, if she isn't wanting to go then she must know something that you don't. How old is your other D?
Boy it would be a shame if the OM had to be held accountable for the lives he has destroyed. I'm almost in tears for him. NOT!!!!
Good luck. <p> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++<p> Married 6 years
5 kids
H had several EA via computer last 5 years

Momrat-<p>My other daughter will be eleven in August...