Sorry this is going to be long.<p>I don&#8217;t really know where to start but I do know that I need the help of all of my friends here on MB. As most of you know, my husband and I have been separated for 7 months now and just within the last several weeks he has been going to counseling because he realized he needed help to get our marriage back on track. When I initially started the MB principles in my pursuit to better myself and get my marriage on track, I had deadlines in my head, the major one being that after 6 months of Plan A&#8217;ing, I would move to Plan B.<p>Well here we are at 7 months now and I was still Plan A&#8217;ing until I had taken seriously ill and spent 5 days in the hospital. The 5 days in the hospital and the seriousness of my illness got me to thinking that I can no longer live in limbo like this. Yes, my H has been improving a lot and starting to meet a lot of my needs but I realized in the hospital that some of it may just be too little to late. It even got to the point that I didn&#8217;t even care if he would come to visit me. After I got out of the hospital last Monday, I became very distant towards him and was beginning to really wonder if I really wanted to save my marriage anymore and I was also beginning to question myself if I was still &#8220;IN-LOVE&#8221; with my H. I mean, I have heard every month since he left that he would be moving home and yet, it still has not happened but he still wants me to remain hopeful. I talked to a dear friend of mine about it during the week and she said that I at least owe it to my H to let him know how I was feeling.<p>So with that little bit of background, that brings me to this past Saturday when I finally told my H exactly how I have been feeling and that I am beginning to really question my love for him. Don&#8217;t get me wrong, I still love my husband very much but it is really hard to remain &#8220;IN LOVE&#8221; with someone if they aren&#8217;t around to let you make LOVE BANK deposits. Keep in mind that our separation has consisted of him coming over the house everyday but just basically sleeping somewhere else. I explained to him that it scared me that I was now questioning if I was still in love with him but I also explained why I felt this way. I told him that it has been hard to keep my love for him since we haven&#8217;t made love since he has been gone, he has not taken me out on a date since he has been gone, he has told me every month since he has moved out that he would be moving back this month and that has not happened, and he doesn&#8217;t seem to want to include me in his life but wants me to include him in everything me and the kids are doing. I told him that he knows what needs to happen to make our marriage work because we have been over it several times. It is not just a matter of him moving home but there are a lot of other things that need to happen. Like him spending time alone, just me and him. Him spending more family time with me and the kids. Him including me back into his extracurricular activities (This has actually started happening to a minor extent. We are playing softball together again one night a week but he still plays the other two nights a week and WILL not let me go. The two nights a week he plays without me are men&#8217;s leagues but all the other wives go except for me.)<p>I basically told him during our talk on Saturday that I am done with this separation and that I need to know exactly what he planned on doing in regards to our marriage. I told him I did not need an answer that day but I would like an answer by Tuesday of this week. I know, I can hear you all already that an ultimatum IS NOT what I should be doing but I am so tired of hearing the words and not getting the actions that this was my last try because I was feeling like I was done anyway.<p>Well, after our talk on Saturday, I could tell that my H knew how serious I was this time that I needed an answer. On Sunday, he made so many love bank deposits that I do know that I am still very much &#8220;IN LOVE&#8221; with my husband. Anyway, no to the real point of all of this post. My husband just called me to tell me he has been doing a lot of thinking about everything I said and that he wants me to give him until after his next counseling session to move back home. He said he is 99% sure that this is what he wants but he wants to talk to his counselor before he makes the move back. He does not see his counselor again until next Monday and then he said he would move back in Tuesday morning after he gets off of work. Thus, giving him one more week than I had originally told him in our talk on Saturday.<p>So, I guess these are my questions:<p>Do I give him one more week before he comes back home and to get in another counseling session?<p>Why did it take me giving him an ultimatum and telling him that I am done with this whole separation to realize that it was time for him to make a decision to come home or not?<p>Is this his way of exerting his control of the relationship to move home next Tuesday instead of this Tuesday?<p>I am so sorry that this is so long but I really need so input here.<p>Thanks.<p>Michele<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>

Michele,<p>The answers to your questions are: YES. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are probably right about all of your concerns. But, I think another week is not unreasonable. He has now set the deadline, not you. This no longer your demand but his response.<p>Fear of losing you might be motivating this, but I think your honesty and your plan A are what is driving his response. You have done well Michele.<p>The sball is now in his court. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I do hope he has finally seen what he could lose. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Michele,<p>I echo JL's advice, sounds like he's alittle scared that you might not want the marriage anymore and that he might have to do something to get the marriage back on track.<p>You did a great plan A!!!<p>How's the health? Better I hope!<p>I wouldn't make it to easy for him coming home, I would need to be there the other 2 nights for softball, I could chose not to go, but don't want to be told I can't go. Will WH look at MB stuff and set up a plan with you to work on together to re build your marriage? <p>Keep posting I am sure the next week will be a tough one for you both. We are here to listen!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Michele,<p>I reached the end of my rope back in January and DID give an ultimatum. I was truly finished with limboland and being disrespected. I also was banned from his league nights, which took place where the OW works. His excuse was that it would mess up his concentration and be too stressful for him because he'd want to impress me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It doesn't sound like you're as done as I was. I was actually developing an aversion to being around him. I told him I was either going to get on the road to marital recovery, which required his participation, or the road to separation, and I had the separation papers ready to fill out and file. I actually put the stack of court papers and my MB folder (containing everything printed from the site) side by side in front of him and said it's one or the other, and I don't care which, so let me know.<p>When he didn't answer immediately, I picked up the separation papers and went into another room and started filling them out. I got to the point of having the child visitation schedule all mapped out and filled in when he asked me to ride along with him while he worked the next day and read him the Harley plan. He gave notice to his teammates that when this season was over he wouldn't be competing at that venue anymore. And he's taken me to every league night since then.<p>He's been respectful to me ever since and more affectionate and attentive, but is still neglecting some of the Harley things I requested.<p>I think the main thing for you now is to decide exactly where you are as far as hanging on to the M is concerned. Then, as far as his wanting that extra week, I think it's ridiculous. If he hasn't figured out what he wants in 7 months, then another week isn't going to make a difference. And he's given you his own deadline several times hasn't he and not followed through?<p>What you do with that depends on where you are. I was at the point of filling out the separation papers, so any request for another week would have fallen on deaf ears and I would have had the papers filed the next day. If you're not where I was, then that course of action may feel too risky.<p>In any case, you definitely need to agree to a very specific plan before he moves back in, so that you are both on the same page about expectations.<p>Even when I agreed to setting the separation papers aside, I let him know that I was staying in my fortress emotionally until I felt it was safe to come out or let him in. He's pretty much been in courtship mode since then.<p>Mostly you need to proceed cautiously and be sure of what YOU want.

JL - Thanks again for your quick response. I think you are right about everything. The sball is definitely in his court now and I will let him know tonight that one more week is reasonable with me.<p>Daybreak - Thank you too for being there for me. I have waited so long for this to happen and now that it has finally come to this, I am really kind of scared but this is what I really want. My H and I have actually gone over the softball thing several times and we have discussed that when he does move home that I will have the option to go to any and all of his games and he is okay with that.<p>I would like to think that I have and am doing a great Plan A but like many of us know, we do fall off track sometimes but the longer I have been Plan A'ing, the easier it is to stay on track.<p>My health! HMMM! Well I am doing a lot better and I will have to have surgery in about four weeks. It was pretty scary there for me last week.<p>Thanks again everybody.<p>Michele

Conqueror - Thanks for your direction too.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Conqueror:
<strong>
I think the main thing for you now is to decide exactly where you are as far as hanging on to the M is concerned. Then, as far as his wanting that extra week, I think it's ridiculous. If he hasn't figured out what he wants in 7 months, then another week isn't going to make a difference. And he's given you his own deadline several times hasn't he and not followed through?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I do know that I really want my marriage and I am willing to give my husband another week and another visit to his counselor before he moves home. That way, it will also give he and I a week to POJA things before he does move home. We have gone over a lot of this during our whole separation and it is definitely something that will need to be discussed again before he moves home.<p>When my H first said he needed another week, I felt exactly the same way you stated that he has gone back on his word so many times, how can I trust him that he will follow through this time. I do know that even though I want my marriage, I can't go through another month of limbo and if he changes his mind and doesn't move home next week, then I will be in the attorney's office that same week.<p>I will keep you all posted as to what happens this week. It will certainly be an interesting and tough week for both of us.<p>Thanks all.

Hi sballplyr
After reading your post I felt I must answer you. My WH has been out of the house for 12 months. Ever since the 5th month he has been telling me that he wanted to dump his OW and move home. I was finally so tired of it all that I did the 180 and started carrying on like I didn't want him anymore. This quickly brought him home and I gladly accepted._too readily!! He stayed here a week and a half and then was gone again! This just happened 2 weeks ago. <p>Be very careful about letting him come home if you are not certain that he's ready. I wish now that I would have made my H wait longer and kept up the 180 longer to the point that I was more sure.(They say 3 or 4 months)<p>I hope it works out for you.

Before he moves back in, I recommend you and him create a list of Expectations. Check out my sig for more information.