My W was friends with a woman for most of her life, and after I learned of her affairs, I also learned this friend was involved in at least one of the As. The friend went out on a date with my W and the OM, the friend witnessed W and OM holding hands and had knowledge of the extent of the relationship, and supported my W in what she was doing. The friend also ended up dating OM #4 after W had her A with him. We both came to the conclusion that this friend was nothing but trouble shortly after d-day #1 and W wrote a no contact letter of sorts. The friend retaliated with a very hatefull and nasty letter, that basically told W that the only thing good in her life was our kids. This letter was the mark of the end of their lifelong friendship, so we thought.<p>Ok, the point....W and I had intruduced this friend to the brother of my very good friend prior to d-day, we just learned they are getting married and had my friend invite us to the wedding and asked if our daughter could be the flower girl. W and I talked about it and both felt it would be best if we did not attend, however we did decide to allow our daughter and son to attend because our children have always related to this woman as their aunt. We are also thinking of sending a card and possibly a gift. <p>What do you all think, should we even go so far as to allow our children to attend, should we say no and this would certainly end any chance of the friendship to ever start up again (not that that is bad, I don't want this woman in our lives again).<p>Any suggestions would be helpfull, thanks.

Glad you two are doing well [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Uhmm... I have to speak from the gut here. I wouldn't go near it. I also don't THINK I'd let my kids attend. Too many old wounds. Do you want this woman to be part of your kids lives exclusive of you? <p>Snow

Knowing what you do now, do you want your kids to have an "aunt" such as her? Do you consider her to be a role model to have around your kids? It appears you both came to the conclusion "...that this friend was nothing but trouble...", so why keep trouble around?<p>As to the certain end of any chance of friendship - do you want this type of friend?<p>Personally, I would not let my kids attend, much less participate, in a wedding for a friend of this nature. Do you want your kids there alone at the wedding if you do not attend? Your mind will be at the wedding because your kids are there, sending a present & card continues the friendship/relationship to me. My blood runs cold as ice regarding who my kids are permitted to be around, and have had many many arguments over it, but don't care as I felt my kids were safer/better not being around certain people or situations.<p>Your kids, my thoughts, and I'm so happy to see you're doing/recovering well.

well, it is either no contact or not, and since you chose not (by letting kids, and such be involved) then I would suggest a bury the hatchet meeting first...ask her out to some neutral place where you can talk, make it clear it is about a respectful clearing the air, but if any relationship is to continue, all this needs to be talked out...if you need a someone to be the talker, I could be hired [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] The rule here is to get into someone elses head, either she is evil, or she had reasons she thought appropriate for her prior behaviour, and no doubt has issues of her own, since none of us are perfect....you have to assess whether she is just another flawed human, with good traits you are willing to accept in some capacity....or she is a danger, and you want nothing to do with her...that includes the kids interaction...not one of lifes easier calls for sure...but who knows, forgiveness and healing can occur in all sorts of places...but she needs to know how you felt (with respect not anger)...maybe she never really got it.

SEM,<p>I wouldn't let my kids go. If she is not an appropriate friend for adults, then she surely is not an appropriate "aunt" for the kids. She has caused enough pain in your lives as it is, I wouldn't stay tied to her even through your kids. <p>I want to add that she has not been a very good "friend" to you or your kids by promoting the breakup of thier safe haven, thier family. A real "friend" would have encouraged your wife to not run around and do damaging things to her H and kids. <p>I would cut her cleanly out of your lives and move on. With "friends" like that, who needs enemies?<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

SEM and Keep Smiling,<p> I agree with the rest. You guys don't need this person in your lives. Your kids don't need her in their lives. This shouldn't have an effect on the friendship with your other friend. I would hope this friend would understand.<p> Hope you come to a decision everyone will be happy with. <p> jd

Snow,
Your definately right about the old wounds, I get that heart wrenching feeling when she is around and it seems to stir up problems and arguements with the W and I. Thanks<p>LMM,
No I honestly never really liked the kids calling her aunt, never really got along with her, only did because she was Ws best friend. No I agree she wouldn't be a good role model for the kids in her single non married way of life, but could that chang, and should I give that change a chance? Probably not. I think I agree. Thanks for your thoughts, your helping me change my mind here.<p>SnL,
Well, I haven't decided to do anything really yes we talked and more of a came to a idea rather than decided to follow through with that idea ya know. So I agree if we were to do it I guess we should probably have a little talk, but that isn't really what I want, I don't want to be friends with this woman because she has caused to many problems in our marriage and I can't trust that that wouldn't continue if the friendship continued again. <p>Melody,
Gosh I am reall starting to agree with you all.<p>
ok well I think maybe my problem is I do feel a bit guilty for having part in ending their friendship, and I would feel bad to deny them the company of my children which I do know they adore, but the more I do think about it the more I know it is a real bad idea, and will only lead to prolonged contact with her. I think the W will probably come on and give her thoughts, she is probably the one wanting the kids to attend than I. thank you all.

Thanks JD,<p>I think I'm going to have to agree with you all, now its kind of up to sherry to make her mind up, she is still wanting to let them attend but who knows maybe you all can convince her its a bad idea.

Well SEM,
Since you are not enthusiastic about attending the wedding, I don't think KS should agree to attend OR send the kids without you guys either (POJA).<p>If you feel guilty for breaking up their friendship, you have to figure out why and remember if she was willing to support your W's affair, would you trust her in your lives again?<p>Maybe explain all this to your W so she can understand your heartfelt reasons for feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes we need to really be in touch with our husbands' feelings to understand their reasons for certain decisions.<p>What if you guys got a nice wedding gift and mailed it to them, wishing them well, and stated in the card that neither you or the kids would be able to attend the wedding due to a prior commitment.<p>You don't need to mention that the "prior commitment" was to keep her out of your lives, but you are genuinely happy that she is opening a new chapter in hers... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

I'd go.
I'd let my kids go.<p>I'd reach out to her. I'd FORGIVE her. <p>She's getting married. Thus ends her single lifestyle. So I would use this opportunity to reach out to her, maybe give them "His needs, Her Needs" as part of your wedding gift.<p>Share what you've learned about Marriage Building. <p>Maybe she has some regrets in supporting your wifes former lifestyle. Maybe she's learned and moved on. Maybe in some way she thought at the time she was being a good friend to your wife.<p>But the point is, if you're willing to forgive your wife, why wouldn't you forgive her too?

I am very tempted to agree with Lexxxy. I really had to think about this last nite. I'm all about forgiving ... everyone makes mistakes ... and yes, we forgive our WS's, but we made commitments to love them and remain married to them. (BTW, Lexxxy, is it along the same lines for me to ask you: why can't you forgive your H for everything has done/is doing, and truly work on your marriage?)<p>What bothers me about this friend is that she encouraged the affairs and deceit, that could ultimately cause the break-up of a marriage, and permamently affect the lives of SEM, KS and the kids. If KS was an alcoholic, and this friend encouraged drinking, she would not be a very good friend to KS, SEM, or the kids. <p>I believe that if the kids should be included in the wedding, or in their lives (thus a blessing from the SEM's), that the air needs to be cleared ahead of time.

HMMM, interesting, it seems that the WS here say FORGIVE AND ATTEND, while the BS say NO WAY! Makes one think of how different the WS and the BS view forgiveness in infidelity. I must say that i am in between on this one......this FRIEND should no longer be able to touch what you and your wife have, she is history and you are still together pushing forward as man and wife with or without her in the mix. And since you have forgiven your wife, the most important female in your life, then why not forgive someone who means nothing to your future together. Go and show her what REAL LOVE AND FORGIVENESS is all about. Doesn't mean you have to continue a friendship, just go in support of the groom and in support of marriage (if i am not mistaken u did say he was a friend too, right?) if nothing else.

Thanks Lexxy,
I don't think I want to go because I still have mixed feelings about her. SEM and I agreed that she wouldn't be apart of our lives because of what kind of freind she is. I loved her as a sister, but she is either an idoit to relationships or wanted us split up by things she had done.<p>I do want to let my kids go because I know my ex-friend doesn't know of any little girls to be their flower girl, and my H's friend will be there to watch the kids. My x-friend's mother is also like a grandmother to them. So they would see her. I hate hate idea of not sharing my children's love with everybody.
They are my gifts from God. I know they aren't in harms way by going, and I know my x-freind won't say anything bad about us or try to brain wash my kids.<p>I don't see the harm in letting them go. SEM and I agreed that we wouldn't let her be apart of our life now, because he could never trust her with me, and I don't need that. I need to build a stronger relationship with SEM and I don't need anything to hold be back, slow me down, or keep something between us.<p>She won't be apart of our kids life exclusive because they haven't seen her since some time last year, and they have never called to talk to them. I know she doesn't have the nerve to call or see the kids. <p>So we won't go, I do want to send them "His needs, her needs" So she can get a clue about relationships, with my kids to her wedding.

I understand about how friends can harm a relationship.<p>I can relate to this. I was one of the first of my crowd to get married. In the first year, I was constantly getting invited to go clubbing with my single girlfriends -- which I constantly declined. Just not the right environment for a married girl to be in, and my friends were all flirts and meeting men. They stopped inviting me and we lost touch for a long time.<p>Once they were all married with families, we again had things in common, and we picked up the friendships.<p>So, in my thinking, maybe again you and this friends are in the same place in life and you could restore your friendship. But only if she holds the same values you do. And I would be inclined to explore that possiblity.<p>But it sounds as though there is more history to this story, and maybe more than I know. So of course you are the best judge of whether or not she is still a harmful or bad influence.

ooops I accidently used KSs username [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: Keep Smiling ]</p>

Bin,
After reading everyones thoughts here, I think I have to agree not to go or allow the kids to be a part of it. I like your idea of sending a card and a gift, I really do wish them the best. <p>Lexy Faith & trying,
Well you are right in there is a lot to this story, as I've said KS and this woman were friends before KS and I even met. She has always stirred up problems between us from the beginning of our relationship and caused many fights and arguments between KS and I. I have heard some of the advice that this woman has given and I was in total disbelief as to the negotivity she showed toward me and the destructive advice was unbelievable as well.
I will give an example of this type of advice: One night about 4 years ago I worked graveyard shift on patrol, I stopped in at my house to see KS, I walked in and some guy was sitting in my living room with KS. I didn't know who this guy was and I definately wasn't aware that he was there. I freaked, and this solidified my suspicions that she was or had had an A. This friend thought I was crazy to be so untrusting, and told KS there was nothing wrong with having a guy in our house at 0130 AM without my knowledge. This being after she already knew KS had had an A. So my conclusion is that either this woman is a complete idiot, or she was intentionally trying to split us up and in that she obviously supported KSs actions. That is only one example of her destructive advice, I could write a book of the things this woman has done. This is why I don't want her back in our lives. I feel that I have forgiven her for her behavior, wheather it was intentional or due to ignorance, but forgiveness doesn't mean I will ever trust her again or want her back in our lives again. So I think I am sticking to not allowing the kids to attend. But that is causing conflict now between KS and I so even with this woman out of our lives she is still causing problems....interesting huh. Thanks everyone, anymore thoughts would be great.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just checkin' in on ya...<p>Say, you can FORGIVE someone with the door closed, man... It's not that you don't forgive her and wish her well. It's just difficult to forget her aiding and abeiting your w's affair... perhaps?? It's a character issue. Fortunately we can choose which characters to hang out with and expose our kids to... It's our right to choose...