Hello, everybody! New here, want to introduce myself, and tell my story. Love what I've seen so far, the support you guys give each other is wonderful to see. Hope my story helps, offenders and offendees alike, and I hope I figure out the abbreviations! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My H and I have been married for 18 years, been together for 20---since I was 14 and he was 17. High school sweethearts and all that. I was a bit of a wild child, loved attention from guys, although my H was my first sexual experience other than heavy petting. I knew I wanted to be with him, I was just too immature to handle a committed relationship, so I did have make-out sessions w/ other guys while we were dating. NO SEX, though! Anyway, we got married when I was 16, I was 2 months pregnant. No one pushed us, it was our decision. While he was a good father, good provider, and the best husband he knew how to be, he still carried on with his activities (ie, hunting, fishing, camping, partying with the boys, etc) leaving me home alone a lot at 17 with a baby. I put up with this for a lot of years, and then came his obsession with racing. He drove a race car for about 3 years, and spent every waking minute that he wasn't working, tinkering with that damn race car, or actually racing. I was beyond lonely, frustrated, and bitter. I started going out myself on the nights he wasn't racing, leaving HIM home with the kids for a change. So, a friend of ours, who was actually my H's cousin, was around a LOT during this time. OM was a very sensitive guy, three years younger than me, LOVED women. I don't mean that he was a womanizer, he just appreciated and valued them. Loved talking to them. Especially me. Well, we got closer and closer, and one night while my husband was out camping with some of his friends AGAIN, OM and his girlfriend came over with a couple of cases of beer, and we partied a little. When it came time for him to take her home, I told him that he should come back later, I didn't want to be by myself. This wasn't unusual, as he stayed at our house half the time, anyway. But there was increasing chemistry there, that had been building for about a year, and when he left, I went, put on a sexy black teddy under my clothes, perfume, and make-up. When he came back, we drank some more, danced, and ended up in bed. A month and a few more "encounters" later, the girlfriend turned up pregnant, and they got married. I backed off, because I wanted their new little family to have a chance. About a year later, the marriage ended, and we hadn't touched each other in all that time, but emotions were still there. One night, we were out at a bar with a mutual friend, and in a dark corner, he kissed me. The whole thing exploded all over again, for real, this time. A week later, he showed up on my doorstep, the day his divorce was final, and held up his marriage license; then he set it on fire. We lied, schemed, did everything in the world to be together, whenever we could. For two years, we saw each other, with him continuing to come over to my house; it would have looked funny if he hadn't. I told my husband about 6 months into the affair, that I wanted a separation. I got a job, to save money to move into my own apartment, and pay for our divorce. H had big suspicions, but no proof, until one day he found some letters from OM. Things blew up, and I had to make a choice. The hell of the whole thing was, I still loved my husband. It would have been so much easier if I hadn't. I tried for two years to convince myself that I didn't, but I did. OM loved him too, and we were all locked into this hellish triangle. I had two absolutely beautiful men, who were both in love with me, I was in love with both of them, and they loved EACH OTHER like brothers. I wouldn't have wished this on my worst enemy. Never would have believed you could love two people, until it happened to me. To make a long story at least a little shorter, OM finally ended our relationship, though I fought it. I couldn't stand to leave my H, and I couldn't stand to let OM go. But OM was smarter than I was, in that he figured out that even if we were to someday be able to be together, my H would always be there between us, even if I DID divorce him. OM and I both loved my H too much. So, OM moved on, got engaged to a girl, though he told my best friend that he still loved me, and was killed in a car accident 4 months before their wedding. My H was one of the pallbearers at the funeral, and they buried (sorry, I can't stand to call him OM here) my other soulmate on his little girl's 6th birthday. He was 24. My husband, wonderful man that he is, cried in my arms after the funeral. Do you understand? He turned TO me, instead of AWAY from me. Oh, don't get me wrong; we've spent YEARS recovering from this whole ordeal. I spent 2 years sitting on the couch drinking, trying not to make my H watch me grieve for OM. I've had H throw it up in my face from time to time, and I gave him that; he deserved to be able to do that for a while. But I've kept every promise I made to him since my A ended. You see, I meant it when I told my H "NEVER AGAIN". And I believe H meant it when he told me he'd never take me for granted ever again. I hope my story helps someone. I was selfish, sick in my heart and soul for a long, long time, in many ways. But I've spent the last 10 years working on myself and my marriage, and spent the last year letting GOD work on us as well. I've finally been able to forgive myself, and accept God's forgiveness, and that of my H. So you see, even for the worst of us, for the worst of circumstances, there is HOPE.
My hope is that I can make some friends here, and help some people. Let me know, will ya? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
God's grace to you all!
MarieLaveau

Thank you so much for sharing your heart-wrenching story. I can't imagine some of the pain you have been through and I admire both yours and your husbands courage and determination to survive this ordeal.
I would think you have the opportunity to create a stronger bond with your husband than would have otherwise been possible.
Sometimes we do have to get to the bottom of the well to begin to crawl back up. And I also believe that what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.
Again, thanks for posting.

I'm on the verge of tears and am glad that you have the righteous love triangle, God, H and you. <p>I welcome you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hoping

Hi Marie,
I cried as I read your story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I am a FWS myself. It has only been about 6 months since it ended for me. But things are going well between my H and I. <p>I understand your feelings. And it gives me hope. My H and I are going to make it through this, but we have a lot of healing to do. It helps to know that I am not alone out here. Because sometimes that's how I feel. <p>Thanks again,
1step

Thank you all so much for your understanding and support; I have to admit I held my breath a little, hoping I wouldn't be judged too harshly, and I'm happy to see that isn't the case at all! I hope I can be of some use to someone here, as I have gained a lot of wisdom from the pain I've been thru. Wish my husband was more interested in the computer, because I'm sure HE'D have a lot to share as well. But even after 10 years, it's still kind of a touchy subject; we almost NEVER talk about it. I still have days, too, when it's hard for me to deal with; unfortunately, I still miss OM some times so bad I just go thru the day in a fog. And it's hard not to let H know what's on my mind. I wouldn't hurt him with that for the world. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
Anyway, thanks again guys, and if I can help in anyway, or if someone needs perspective from the "other side" of the fence, please, ask!!!!
MarieLaveau

Thank you, Marie for sharing your story, a real-life tragedy. Even though I chose a different path, I very much identify with your feelings of abandonment by your H that preceded your A.<p>I'm using your quote, not to single you out (because I've heard this sentiment before from several former WS on this board), but to single out this reality:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by marielaveau:
<strong> unfortunately, I still miss OM some times so bad I just go thru the day in a fog.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>It is this reality that will forever keep me from letting my H into the parts of me I allowed him to inhabit before. He is the only person in my life to have ever inhabited those deepest parts of me. I will always know that someone else lives in those parts of him that he once claimed only I had occupied. He'll never get the key to those parts of me again. Sad. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Marie, do you think your H knows you have these days? I wonder if WS should tell their BS these things even if it's years down the road. Since I'm just going to assume it anyway, it probably doesn't matter so much in my case, but I wonder if other BS who are maybe more optimistic and trustful than I am might want to know their WS was thinking of the OP.<p>Just some of my musings. Thanks again for letting us into your world, Marie.

Hi again! I bet you have seen this kind of thing before. Unfortunately, this is all too common. In a lot of ways, it's prolonged the healing process for me to have had to keep the grief to myself. But in answer to your question, I think my H does know why I have days when I'm not completely in the here and now. After 20 years, he should! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] But he also knows that I'm the kind of person who sometimes takes a while to work thru particularly deep emotions and experiences. And you are absolutely right that it prevents a person from letting their spouse in, to a certain degree. But I have found that as time goes on, (it will be 7 years since the OM died the 24th of this month) my H occupies places that the OM never could. There are bonds there that have been formed thru our mutual pain and experiences together. (Like my H's bout with alchohol) I think these more than make up for anything he felt he might have been missing. At least, that's my hope. Sigh! What a tangled web we weave, huh? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks for your candor, and your kindness.
God bless, MarieLaveau