It's been awhile. Just wondering how things are going?

I was wondering the same thing...<p>VE--how about an update... <p>R you OK?<p>E

Same here ....

Aw, you are all so sweet! Thanks for thinking about me. <p>Truth be told, I'm better than I've been in months. Can't explain it very well, even to myself, but I will try.<p>Well, I think last time I posted, H had just dumped all his guilt and lies onto my lap and then went home. I was left holding it all and being really angry, then finally decided to drop it and not own it. He had also told me he was going to break up with OW, which I told myself and everyone else that I would only believe it when I saw it. <p>Sure enough, he went to OW's house at the weekend and they, apparently, fought and argued the whole time. H returned home and told a mutual friend that he wasn't sure if they were still together or not but that he didn't see it lasting. Funnily enough, H has still not talked to me about *any* of this after his "Night of A Thousand Revelations". In other words, he came over here, gave me the whole sob story about how cr*p his relationship with OW was and how he was going to dump her and then I heard nothing else of it. As far as I know, they are still together. He was at her house last weekend, anyway. <p>As for me, well I'm still very much in an "I don't care anymore" state of mind. I think it hit me pretty hard after I found out that H had been cheating since a month after our wedding. Basically our whole marriage has been a huge lie. I feel more betrayed and angry now than I ever have done. I've not shown that to my H, obviously, but it's there. It's stirring. And I'm dealing with it in the best way I can. <p>H's actions and words recently have been very typical of what I would have expected. Lots of communication. A huge amount of "how are you, Venus? I'm really worried about you". A few apologies. A couple of "thank you for being you's", a few "do you still love me's" and a heap of relationship talk instigated by him. In fact, he sent me another apology email this afternoon. It was short and sweet, but here is my reply to him...<p>"...And thank you for saying what you said. You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine and I've got a great support network of friends and family. Without them I probably wouldn't be alive. Admittedly, I hit rock bottom last October. It took some time and a tremendous amount of strength on my part, but I'm stronger and happier than ever before. And it's all down to me taking care of me. I'm quite proud, really.<p>I appreciate the apology, H. It means a lot to me. And if I'm painfully honest, I think it's the very least I deserve. Yes, you completely and
totally screwed up my life and hurt me more than you will probably ever know. But hindsight being what it is, you did me a favour. As I've told you
before, I love myself for the first time ever. I've learned more about me in the last 6 months than I have in 32 years. You need to know that I bear no grudges against you. I forgave you, in my heart and mind, months ago. I don't think or speak ill of you and never will. You are, first and foremost, my friend. You're right - who knows what the future holds? I know that no matter what, we will always be friends. I, for one, value that friendship. I'm sorry to hear you are still confused. I wish there was something I could
do to help you, but I know that this is a journey you must make on your own. I hope that someday you will find your way to being the person you want to be and being proud of yourself. I only wish you the best in everything life has to offer you. And if I can only offer you one piece of advice, it would be this - get your butt into therapy. It works."<p>I think this sent him into a panic a bit. Not sure he expected me to be so accepting and forgiving and, least of all, happy. His reply to that email was all about our past and what I did to mess things up. Typical. He retaliated and I didn't take the bait.<p>So if I'm honest, I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake and married the wrong person. Wondering if I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has been lying to me, to my face and under my nose, for God knows how long. As I've said in other threads, I know I can take as long as I want in this, and I'm SO okay with that, it's unbelievable. <p>And I'm taking care of me, too. Speaking to advisors at the local college. Getting back to studying. And am going away for a week with a dear friend, which I'm really looking forward to. <p>So I can't really explain it, but something just clicked and suddenly I was alright. Almost as if I woke up one morning and felt good for the first time in months. I let go of him. I let go of my hurt and pain. I let go of the daily stress of it all. And the end result was me feeling lighter, happier and more sorted than I have felt in years. Plan A success, indeed!<p>Before I go, I would like to apologise for not being around much. There are many stories I follow and I always try to give advice when I can and when I feel it's helpful. The past few weeks, however, I've been in Super-Selfish mode. I've been looking into school, getting my hair done, having lunch with friends and generally enjoying myself. I think I deserve it. But I also feel a tad guilty for not being there for everyone here who has helped me SO much over the past few months.<p>forgive me?<p>love and hugs and gorgeousness<p>VE

ve,
Thanks for the update! It sounds like you are doing fabulously! Keep the upbeat attitude and don't worry about us here. You deserve some "selfish time". Just give an update now and then for those of us voyeuristically watching your life. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

VE---<p>Happy to hear such an upbeat update....<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep up the good work for Venus...<p>E

VE - I am so happy that you are to a point where you are OK with you. That is a great place to be. You do need time for yourself. I think that is one thing that I had not been doing enough of and I am trying to do more. <p>Keep moving forward and keep us posted on your situation. <p>Hugs to you.
Sinking

bump -- looking for another Venus update

Hi everyone,<p>Just thought I would update again. So nice to see that I'm still being thought of even though I've not been here AT ALL in well over two weeks. I've taken a very positive hiatus from this place. Not out of lack of support or interest, but to generally get away from my marriage problems on a day to day basis and focus on me and what I want. I have found that being on MB every day (often several times a day) triggers a lot of unhappy memories for me. I felt it was time to step away and do Venus Things. <p>Have come to a lot of conclusions and decided that my marriage has, indeed, been one big massive lie. I began therapy again with a new therapist who was extremely unbiased in his opinion of "saving marriages" (meaning he didn't push or influence me either way). I worked it out, on my own, that I have not been getting what I deserve out of my relationship for too many years. When I began to dissect it all, I realised it's not what I wanted or needed and further more what I DESERVE. I honestly feel in my heart that my H and I are no longer compatible. When I started to look at what I wanted out of a relationship/marriage/partnership, I discovered that I haven't been receiving that at all. I want to be respected, loved, talked to, ect...NONE of my emotional needs were ever met. I spent so many years trying to force them to be met, but at the end of the day, I only made myself miserable out of frustration. Drawing water from a stone and all that. Not worth it, as far as I'm concerned. <p>I gave this marriage my best shot in the best way I knew how at the time. I have stood by my H through all this, but have now found that as I've grown, he's stayed stagnate. It simply isn't going to work anymore. I've learned so much about me over these past 6 months. He's learned nothing. I've taken responsibility. He's taken none. I've admitted my mistakes and shortcomings and he's only thrown blame at me. Did I expect otherwise? Probably. But the bottom line is, I can't force him to be someone he isn't. I can't force him to change. And I certainly can't EXPECT him to catch up with me emotionally. <p>These were all terribly hard realisations to come to, but I did it. I have cried. I have resisted. I have been in denial in the biggest way. I had, for 6 months, been on a marriage-saving crusade without stopping to think if it's what I truly wanted. When I finally got out of my own fog, and thought very seriously about what I believe a marriage to be, I realised mine wasn't it. Truth be told, we weren't compatible. We never talked. We rarely had sex. Simply put, I think I married the wrong person. Perhaps someday I'll meet someone who will be everything that I want and need, perhaps not. But I'm too good to "settle" for anything and truly feel that if my H and I got back together, that's exactly what I would be doing. You could say my self-confidence and self-worth have shot through the roof. I think more of myself than ever before. I deserve better. I deserve more. And if I have to wait 50 years, I'm going to have it. <p>As for my H, he is still on his fence. Still claiming he's confused and messed up. Still wondering if him and his OW will work out (and would you believe I'm actually counselling him on working things out with her? I'm trying to apply my MB skills in offering him advice on what to do and what not to do with her. Unreal!) and still "barking up my tree" when things go horribly wrong with her. I know he's depressed at the moment, so I'm trying to find the right time to break the news to him that I've let him go in more ways than one. I think he knows, but out of respect I need to have the conversation with him face to face. I'm dreading it, as I do feel it will break his heart. But it needs to be done. I am hoping he will just want to see me happy. We shall see. <p>So I'll update again in a few weeks. I'm still going to be staying away so that I can heal some more and work on things for me some more. I've been keeping very busy doing things for Venus and generally being the best person I can be. But I'm the happiest I've been in years and as far as I'm concerned, that's all that matters. <p>Thank you all for your wishes of well and for your thoughts. I wish all of you you all the best of everything. Whichever way you go. <p>lots of love and hugs
VE

VE - It is great to hear from you. I wonder how you are doing often and I am glad to see that you appear stronger than ever. I am glad to see that you are in a place in your life that you are happy with you. That is such a great feeling. I can not say that we are in the same place as far as how we feel about our marriages, but I am right with you on how I feel about me.<p>There are days that I wish I would wake up and just not want him anymore, but I am not there yet. I am not sure I will ever get the point I don't want him but I may get to the point that I will not wait for him any longer. <p>I can not believe that you are helping him with his relationship with her! What does he think about that? <p>Thanks for the update and see you in a couple of weeks. Lots of love.
Sinking