I guess there are a lot of hard days on this road? I am so hurt that my H can just go on and on in his little lala land... while I handle all the responsibilities of a family.... while he has a party life... what a sad man... anyway... I just wonder how they do it... somtimes I wonder are men really scum? Now no offense to any guys... I guess my real anger is with my H... but that he does not see the pain and the problems he is causing... just makes me ill.<p>Thanks, H

Honey, little piece of advice. Don't keep track of negative things such as how many good or bad days. Believe me I know because I did that immediately after D-day. It reads like a calendar of stress [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You ask how your H just goes on while you shoulder the load. That, I believe, is the fog you read about here. There were days when I wanted to shake some sense into my H. I couldn't believe how he seemed to just be blithely moving through his life while I lay dying right in front of him. My counselor told me that people (not just men) can shut their feelings down like they have an internal switch just for that purpose. <p>I stopped worrying about how he was acting or reacting and began worrying about me. I changed how I dealt with things and how I reacted to him and his fog. I feel so much stronger now and he's actually responding to me and my feelings and needs with no prompting.<p>Have you read the Divorce Busters site? Zorweb sent me there and it's amazing how much it helped me. Check out http://www.divorcebusting.com and look for info on a 180. It's detailed on a thread I posted
here<p>Remember not to lose yourself in this saving of your marriage. Good luck!<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: TinyDancer ]</p>

Honey,
Mark off the good days if you'd like, but I don't think marking bad days will be helpful.<p>Tiny Dancer has good advice.<p>If you are shouldering all parental responsibilities, does he have regular visitation set up? If not, go for it. Those are his kids and he wil always be their father. It's taken my H a good chunk of our 22 month recovery to re-establish a pretty good relationship with our 16 year old. But every now & then she still tells him she will never forget him walking out on us so many times.<p>And he talked to them or saw them almost daily. And told us all more than once, "I left your mom, not you kids"....they didn't see it that way, nor did I.<p>You can be mad at your H, his behavior is crummy, but lovebusters still aren't appropriate and you need to handle it.<p>You can be proud of yourself, you are handling the responsibilities, you are parenting, you are the one who is there for your kids. You are doing the right thing.<p>Don't envy his partying, it is empty and he is chasing the wind. When you catch the wind...you still have nothing.<p>Hugs to you.

Honey - Not much to add to the rest. I just wanted to share in your pain and offer a hug to you. Chin up, there are good days to come. I wish you the best and hope your day gets better.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thanks for all the replies... I appreciate the kind thoughts VERY MUCH... it is nice to see that there are kind people in this world.<p>It is as if H has switched off a switch... in his brain, perhaps his switch was never really on come to think of it.... we have had loads of family fun days.... but he was usually sporting a beer... and when it comes to baseball practice and piano lessons for my older son, daycare or preschool ofor the younger one... H has basically always cked out on me... he is just party boy... and gets mad about having to be responsible... ok to ha ve some fun with kids... but Plan for their future? our future, and /or come home at night... ?<p>This is all the stuff we argued about... granted we had lots of happy days... but the days H ended up in bars... or drank on the way home from work , then found the barfly for the A.... whatever... <p>FUnny H has DONE NOTHING WRONG>.. it is SO sad... so sad. I love this man, why is he so in the dark.... ???/ I know the drinking has a lot to do with it in my particular situation.<p>At least when he was here... I had some help... albeit not the best help with the kids... and I will still have some help with him away... I just worry about him watching the kids without me around... I am afraid of his drinking... it really is scary... what is super sad.. is that NO one in his life... confronts or cares about his drinking problem... for one reason be cause they don't care enough and are in denial enough to not care.. plus it only really affects me... and the kids... and now my parents who parents.... help cut the slack in the parental situation... I guess ideally I will hire nanny once I begin to make enough dollars... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I just want to be here for my KIDS... and it is SOOO hard!<p>I love beiing here for them, but hate doing it all alone... acutally also, my kids are wonderful, and I am snapping out of the bad depression enough to start enjoying them again, so this is good.<p>
thanks,
HONEY [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]