I've posted a few questions on here before....and some of you may remember. My husband is currently involved with another woman. He says he loves her and was blatant enough to say that she excels in the lovemaking department. He says she has had many more partners than I have, therefore, she's got a lot of tricks up her sleeve so to speak that keep it interesting and different each time. Well, of course my initial thought was..."Gee, I'm sorry I haven't slept around as much as her!" But, of course, I tried to bite my lip very hard. He is still involved with her, doesn't see her but maybe once a month, but when he does I know they sleep together and he says he will never turn his back on her. She wants him completely -- yet, I and our two sons want the family put back together. Does the fact that he says he has lost "those" feelings for me and has no physical interest in me anymore...does that spell the end of my marriage? Is there no hope anymore? He says he is afraid to stay with me because he will only end up cheating on me and hurting me again. My weight has gone up since we were first married, yet I've been very angry that he uses that as an excuse. I truly believe that deep down if you love someone, that really should not matter. He's put on weight since we were married but I love him just the same. I love him for who he is inside when he is not doing things to hurt me. He can be a very good man with a huge heart. Do I work my [censored] off to lose weight to see if that helps? But, at the same time, won't that just be saying that if I should gain weight again in the future....he can and will do this again??? Is my marriage over? If not, how do I even begin to regain his interest? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Angelsendslove
Wow your story sounds very familiar. My husband too
said my weight gain caused him to have his affair.
He needed a perfect body in his bed. He told me I was too disgusting to f...Real nice huh? He too has put on weight, lost his hair and looks every bit his age. I'm told constantly that I appear to be at least ten years younger than I really am.The OW looks 20 years younger than her age and he enjoys showing her off. What a fool. She's looking for a meal ticket and security as she hits middle age.
I don't know about the effort to lose weight...since DD less than three months ago I've lost 40 pounds...the first twenty in less than a month. I was devestated by my husband's infidelity after 32 years and couldn't eat or sleep. He said it was nice that I was thinner but OW is perfect. I'm just not good enough at size 8.
Weight didn't make your husband cheat, he made the choice to cheat and risk all that he had with you. There is another underlying cause that must be worked out or things will never improve. I've told my husband this but he's reluctant to believe there's anything wrong with his actions or thinking.
Good Luck
Wintergal

Well, you've come to a very well traveled place - lots of MB wisdom here has helped me, and I'm sure it WILL help you too. The key as I see it? The help comes in a form you might not expect, because it might seem to have very little to do with your current marriage. In fact, for all purposes, think of your current marriage as dead. It's done. If you want your husband, it will have to be in the context of a different kind of marriage, namely one that you generate and portray by living "Plan A" - read up on it, as described on this site. (There's several posters who include links to common topics in their signatures - check 'em out.) That’s one key.<p>Another is to accept that your husband is experiencing an addiction. He will behave as such. Don’t expect rationality to be on the top of his list of priorities. You need to develop a tough skin if you want to stick it out. And if you read “Surviving an Affair” (check out the bookstore link), you’ll discover some of the benefits of trying Plan A, such as: 1. Feeling like you did everything you could, 2. Recognizing your areas for improvement, 3. Your husband isn’t divorced from you yet, so he must have some doubt in his mind, 4. If following MB plans fails to see him return, you’ll have lost your love for him, and you can continue forward in life more easily.<p>And of course, there are no guarantees, but at least with MB principles, you'll have made yourself over into a person who will be successful, no matter what!

Angel, I saw a reply you made to another thread in which you said your husband is "missing something". My husband has said the same thing. He has had multiple affairs. I also have a weight problem and my husband has a huge problem with it (although I did start on a weight loss program prior to the most recent d-day). One week after he left, he told me he would always cheat on me (although not necessarily on anyone else he was with) because there was something lacking in me -- I am too subdued and he needs a "fiery" woman. He told me he was dead inside and there were no feelings left for me. After he was gone two weeks, something changed in me and I let him go. I never really came right out and told him that, but I guess he saw it in my actions. Four weeks after he left, he asked to come home. Five weeks after he left I allowed him to. I don't know exactly why, but he has finally realized that he isn't going to find the "something" with another woman and that I can meet all his needs. For the first time, he has accepted responsibility for his affairs. And for the first time, I see postive changes in his behavior. He's even started seeing an individual counselor -- something he swore he would never do (he reluctantly agreed to marriage counseling, but I insisted that personal counseling was probably even more important and then revealed to him that I had been seeing a counselor myself). <p>My advice to you -- anything you do (such as losing weight) do for yourself. Six years ago when my husband first affair was revealed, I lost weight and made other changes to improve myself -- but everything I did, I did for the sole purpose of winning him back. None of it stuck. He felt cheated and tricked, and perhaps rightfully so. Also, what really helped me was realizing that I CANNOT CHANGE MY HUSBAND. He has to want to change for himself. Until your husband admits he has a problem, you can't help him. But you can help yourself -- so do it. <p>Good luck to you.

Some of us may not like it that one of our spouse's top ENs is An Attractive Spouse, but if you read what Dr. Harley has written about it from his vast experience, it appears to be a reality we need to face if we want to affair-proof our marriages.<p>When we marry someone, we marry them specifically because we are in love with that person AS THEY ARE, and we expect them to remain that way. If a man falls in love with and marries a 130-lb woman, that is part of WHO SHE IS. And that 130-lb woman has fallen in love with and married a man who finds 130-lb women attractive. If that 130-lb woman changes to become a 200-lb woman, it should be no surprise to either spouse that the marital dynamic changes.<p>If a man was attracted to and married a 200-lb woman and then later decided he was not attracted to her because of her 200 lbs, then that would be less explainable.<p>The fact is that an eating disorder has just as much impact on a M as any other substance abuse or addiction, probably the least of which is the appearance factor. The outward appearance is a symptom of the greater underlying problem that needs to be addressed, whether one is married or not.<p>Those who are honest with themselves know that an eating disorder shares many features with an A and other addictions: The secret second life, dishonesty, justification, rationalization, siphoning of marital funds to support the addiction, the "high", guilt, self-indulgence, self-absorption, selfishness, and eventual self-loathing.<p>Addressing these character problems in ourselves is what Plan A is all about. We want to reach our highest potential AS A PERSON, which enables us to reach our highest potential as a mate.<p>I don't look at it as weight loss per se, but part of the process of protecting myself and those I love from my own weaknesses. What Steve Harley says about affairs applies to other addictions as well: It is a failure to protect against your own weaknesses.<p>When I focus on my partner's reaction to my eating disorder/weight problem, it enables me to avoid focusing on myself and doing the hard work of facing those parts of myself *I* don't find attractive.

Ya know, this makes me very angry when men use weight as an excuse for cheating. My H cheated on me! I took real pride in my body and ALWAYS dressed nicely, sexy, wore what he wanted me to wear. I'm 5'3 110lbs. Measurements are 38, 25, 35. I'm 50, she was 54. I've been told that I look about 42. The piece of $h-- that he cheated with was 5' tall and weighed 180 lbs. she had rolls hanging where I had none. She ate like a pig when we were out at the organization that we belonged to, going up 3 and 4 times to fill her plate, and people would comment on it. She drank like a fish BUT and this is a big one, she 'swallowed.' And let all the men know that she did. She bragged about it. She did men in the parking lot and in the back room. She was caught doing 4 at one time. Sorry to be so crude, but it has nothing to do with weight. It has to do with "ATTITUDE" with what the crotch crickets are providing. Pure and simple. So if you really want your man back, and this is what I've learned, change your attitude about sex, he said that is what made her sexy to him. I asked him if he thought she was sexy and he said not her, but her attitude was. She always wanted it. That is what turned him on. Sick, disgusting, pathetic, but true ladies. So, who you are... big and beautiful, or little and beautiful, it doesn't matter. Who you are inside has no reflection on what your shell is on the outside. My H's A is proof of that. We are ALL beautiful, maybe not skanky enough, but beautiful nonetheless.

No, not by any means. My WH said the same crap. I love the OW, even though she was never going to leave her H, or divorce him. This by the way was the OW 2nd physical affair. The OW dumped my WH.<p>Your Husband is in the big FOGGG!!!! It will get worse when he is in withdrawal. It was awful here, and I cringed that any move we (myself and kids (older kids)) made would set him off. He got set off so easily. <p>Talk to the Harleys, see if your H will counsel with the Harleys. They have a good program, good materials, and good execution. Keep your self upright, don't lie down, I know it is hard, I have had a hard time, and I am actually sliding backwards. <p>But try to look at your H with this is not the man I married. I did that, and couldn't believe my eyes what my WH did with his affair, and to us here. Remember this is not the guy you married, this is the devil coming out, or something coming out. Get counseling. I am, cause that is what I need right now. Individual counseling.