Waiting for your true confessions. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am wondering what you figured out because I think it might help me.<p>I am proud of myself because I made an appointment for individual counseling today, stopped puting it off. I also bough the book, Saying it for couples to try and help my commuication. I can see where I have been wrong in the past in my style, now to try and change it... thats the hard part.
What do you do in health care? Im a PT

Hi Lora:<p>Sorry...had a few hectic days at work. Seems like I didn't even have the energy to log on to the computer-- luckily, day off today [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !!!<p>BTW, I work as a Nutritionist for a major hospital in the Midwest. I work with the cancer patients and I absolutely LOVE what I do-- my job is my SAVING GRACE.<p>As for what I've figured out about myself--

• I've realized that I'm solely responsible for MY LIFE, and that includes taking responsibility for how I allow others to treat me.
• I've realized that I can change MY LIFE by taking action, but NOT by sitting around blaming others for my personal unhappiness.
• I've realized that my faults, bad habits, etc., put ME where I am today.
• I've realized that although I didn't plan for my marriage to become lonely and frustrating for me, that I ALLOWED the loneliness and frustration to creep in and flourish.

<p>Now, when I first discovered my H's affair, I immediatly started reading all the "marriage/relationship" books. However, for me, the majority of these books left me feeling empty...and even more frustrated-- with myself and with my husband. It was sorta like they made me feel as if I was to blame, and/or that my H was to blame.<p>I don't know about you, but I wasn't looking to blame anyone. BUT, I did WANT my H to OWN his LIFE/his actions-- and I guess part of what I learned was that I had to be WILLING to OWN mine.<p>I've also realized that all those months I wasted blaming my H for my situation, I gave up my chance (back then) to CHANGE MY SITUATION. Since I placed blame on my H, I left myself feeling helpless in my situation-- (ie: since he made the blunder, he had to fix it, it wasn't up to me)...but, had I had the wisdom to look past the blame, and ACCEPT my situation, then I could have PUT MYSELF IN ACTION months ago. I would have been forced to deal with, and change, ME.<p>Another thing that I recently realized about myself was that I have this UNATTRACTIVE HABIT of judging myself against others-- NOT based on what good things I do, but based on what I DON'T DO (ie: gosh, she's *bad* because she gossips (I'd NEVER gossip like that!), or he's *bad* because he cheats on his wife (I'd NEVER cheat!)-- BOY, DID I HAVE IT BACKWARDS!!! [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>I realized I had things backwards after watching the movie "Chocolat"-- at the end of the movie, there is a scene where the towns people are gathered in church and the minister is giving his sermon-- in which he states the following:<p>"We can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, by what we resist and who we exclude; I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, by what we create, and who we include."<p>And, as I absorbed these words, allowing them to sink in, things became "clearer" for me: I had been so focused on the fact that I DIDN'T (or WOULDN'T) DO CERTAIN THINGS, that I could no longer see the goodness, the beauty, and the HONESTY that currently surrounded me.<p>...So, there you have it, my true confessions! <p>Peace to you, and good luck with your counseling! ~Marie<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>

Marie,
It sent chills in my spine to read what you wrote. How many times have I told others here that the A was really about me FIXING me not him.
Of course you put it much more eloquently than I could have.
I have also struggled with what I have been calling my "superiority" issues, but when you said judging yourself by what others do wrong YUP that says it better.
Marie I must tell you how greatful I am that you were here 1 year ago for me. You really dont know.
You only wrote to me a few times and probably didnt think much of it. BUT you wrote me a response that mattered.
YOU SAID:<p> FOCUS on what is important. Reaffirm to yourself what your goal is.
....I WANT MY FAMILY TOGETHER.
....iT IS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO HONOR MY VOWS.
.....GOD IS FOR MARRIAGE,HEALING AND FAMILIES.
....I CAN BE STRONG FOR MY FAMILY
....I CAN BE STRONG FOR MY HUSBAND.
Make a list for yourself. Post it on the bedroom mirror. Dont worry about your H seeing this list..in fact I believe my list was actually beneficial to my H-- it showed that I wasnt giving up--it showed him I was strong enough to STAND UP and FIGHT for what I believe in : Namely US,OUR FAMILY, OUR LOVE.
I was just as horrified, and as sickened as you are today, 1.5 years ago.
Does this pain seem unbearable? YES But, can you recover? YES Will/can your H learn to leave the OW in the past and be happy, really happy,in your marriage? YES, THESE THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Then you posted a small glimpse of your day with your H. gardening, drinking coffee......smiling,laughing,at peace,happy.<p>Marie
I taped your post to my bedroom mirror just as it was. My H got up in the morning (i pretended to be sleeping) and read it. Later before bed he stood in front of it again (he pretended he just noticed it). I said "do you think its stupid to tape stuff up like that" (embarrassed to seem weak for asking strangers for help). "no" he replied.
I just took it off the mirror 2 months ago. I really feel like it gave us hope that it could be better for us.
So many times we both felt like giving up. I would say "I feel so stupid for being cheated on" he would say "you will never get over this EVER!" I would say "maybe we should just quit now, why am I working so hard to fix this marriage?" "whats my big prize? a cheating liar husband?"
Then I would see it [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
I can be strong for my marriage, I can be strong for my husband, family.
We would start again the next day, trying to fix what I imagined he broke.
Marie, and all
You must know that the most insignificant responses you give can cause great things to happen.
I love you Marie, thanks so much
Lisa

Thank you, Marie. This is just what I needed to hear this morning, as I am beginning to face my OWN responsibility for this situation. (It's about time--we're going on 2 years now. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) I am really glad I wandered over here from Recovery.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sadprincess:
<strong>So many times we both felt like giving up. I would say "I feel so stupid for being cheated on" he would say "you will never get over this EVER!" I would say "maybe we should just quit now, why am I working so hard to fix this marriage?" "whats my big prize? a cheating liar husband?"
Then I would see it [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
I can be strong for my marriage, I can be strong for my husband, family.
We would start again the next day, trying to fix what I imagined he broke.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Sad Princess, that sounds like the things I say to myself. Then I will come here to get it off my chest, hopefully get a little understanding from someone, and end up getting a much needed kick in the pants. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] It sure helps to keep everything in perspective and keep my focus off of my shattered, self-centered world.<p>Thank you for giving me some focus this morning.<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Persevering ]</p>

Dearest Lisa:<p>Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, for sharing that with me.<p>Your response was perhaps the very best *gift* anyone has ever given me. <p>I am so happy to read of your own personal success story. <p>Love to you and your family, ~Marie

Marie...If reading books left you frustrated and did not help that much, how, may I ask, did you come to all of these realizations (besides the movie)?<p>They are really some valuable lessons that you learned. Were you in counseling?<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Susan ]</p>

Hi Persevering!!! Just now saw your post! Hope you and your H are getting back on track [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . As you are probably aware, I left the MB boards a few months back-- keep in touch with a few MB buddies thru e-mail now. Anyway, was feeling a little distressed myself over the past week and thought I'd bop back in for a while. Sometimes, helping others "see straight" helps me "see straight" too!!!<p>It's also helpful, every now and again, to see how far I've really come-- something I tend to forget at times. As I said, I can get caught up in that whole "how could H have let this happen scenario," which is a devastating and DETRIMENTAL PLACE to remain in.<p>To Susan: The majority of the credit-- for the valuable lessons that I have learned-- MOST DEFINITELY belongs to books/authors.<p>However, I moved away from the "marriage books" and FOCUSED instead on "self-help" books and books dealing with restoring peace back into your life. I've read TONS of different books and authors on these subjects...too many to name. As I read the books (often from the local library), I would jot down sentences or quotes that "called out" to me. Then, I would paste them into a journal (as my bedroom mirror ran out of space [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>On books that I liked well enough to purchase, I went thru each with a bright yellow hi-liter.<p>I now have a wonderful collection of inspirational, heartwarming stories/quotes which I can refer to when I need to reflect and "realign" MYSELF.<p>I did do counseling (both marriage and personal-- with same counselor) for about 6 months following d-day. My counselor was WONDERFUL and he pointed me in the direction of a few good books-- which started me on my current "craze" for more and more information, as well as a need to explore different ideas/theories regarding personal behavior and "learned" behaviors.<p>Anyway, I don't AGREE with everything I read, so I attempt to pick out certain *messages* that I think I can benefit from, and/or that bring me out of my "learned behaviors" and allow me to think "past myself". <p>Peace, ~Marie<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: ohmy_marie ]</p>

Hi, Marie. You are such a ray of sunshine in my life (and others, I know), that I sorely needed today. I am really glad you wandered back today, for whatever reason.<p>You have given me a lot to think about. Do you think you could help me with a particular destructive mindset? When I look at some of the contributions I made to the demise of our M, I find myself countering with, "Yes, but H..." I will be the first to admit that I have never been the perfect wife, but I guess I still want to point the finger at H. Yes, I wasn't gungho about joining H in some of his extracurricular activites (like some of the civic and church stuff that he is involved in), but he never made time to do anything with me or our girls. And the less time he devoted to us, the less I felt obligated to play the "supportive wife" role to the hilt. <p>I think I have accepted that he can never "make it up to me." That is up to me, to just get on with life, and make the best of it from this point on. But an occasional trace of resentment seeps in. And it is only recently that I have had mental pictures of him with OW's, never--or at least very seldom--in the early tumultuous days of recovery. I lay in his arms just last night thinking, "How could he share this--something so personal and intimate--with her? Was I really that bad?" [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I need to get out of this funk, and I know it is entirely up to me. (OK, hopefully with a little help from you guys.) <p>Thank you so much for still checking in with us here. You offer so much to so many, Marie. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you Lora and Marie for this post.<p>It's not easy to let go, and hanging onto resentment, anger and blame is what's challenging my life right now. <p>I may ask Lora if she likes her new counselor, and if so, book an appt for myself. <p>Jo

Hi Lora,<p>I am really glad you are going for individual counseling. It was absolutely one of the best things I did for ME in this whole mess. I hope that you get a counselor as wonderful as the one that I found, and that you find the same quality of assistance that I received.<p>Best of luck on this new part of your journey.<p>Peppermint

Lora! so happy that you are seeing a counselor... I am... was wondering 'why?' until last week when something she said touched a nerve... it became very obvious then, to me, how it will help me 'work through' things.<p>Marie! Your posts were jewels and bright rays of sunshine that gave me HOPE! This one is just as compelling... just as illuminating... just as applicable as ever!<p>Thank you,
Cali

Marie, could you give us an ideal or titles of some of the books your counselor recommended? or also others that you have found to be especially helpful (i.e. books-- which started me on my current "craze" for more and more information, as well as a need to explore different ideas/theories regarding personal behavior and "learned" behaviors.)<p>I particularly enjoy self help books. I believe my library could very well be larger than that of my therapist. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

dear marie-sounds as if you are well respected. thank you for your posts before-the nap helped,im not as cranky. there's hope for me.

Wow, this took off without me!<p>Thanks for sharing Marie, I knew your experaince would be appreciated by many. I like that movie too, only I was more focused on the part about her changing her preset ideas of how her life had to be. I guess I should watch it again.<p>Responsibility for how I let others treat me. Thats a biggie for me. I dont know how to do that, and I dont have alot of confidence that I desearve more.<p>Went to see my GP today and he mentioned meds. I guess I will wait til I go to the counseler and see first. My appoint is next Thursday. <p>Thanks for the thought provocking post.

^bump^ woo hoo Marie!

^bump^

^bump^ YOUR book recommendations? (I thought I had exhausted all of the books out there...just checking) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

^bump^

Oops, sorry! Just saw this again...<p>Here are some of the books that have helped me (listed in no particular order [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ):<p>"If Life is a Game, These are the Rules," Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.<p>"The Tao of Pooh," Benjamin Hoff<p>"Peace is Every Step," Thich Nhat Hanh<p>"Ethics for the New Millennium," Dalai Lama<p>"The Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz<p>"The Four Loves," C. S. Lewis<p>"The Other Side and Back," Sylvia Browne<p>"The Prophet," Kahlil Gibran (classic poetry)<p>"Ten Fun Things to do Before You Die," Karol Jackowski<p>"The Road Less Traveled," M. Scott Peck<p>"A Book of Psalms," Stephen Mitchell<p>"You can be Happy No Matter What," Richard Carlson<p>"The Wellness Book," Herbert Benson, MD (somewhat of a 'clinical' workbook)<p>"How We Choose to Be Happy : The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People, Their Secrets, Their Stories," by Rick Foster, Greg Hicks<p>Again, I don't endorse any one book. Like I said before, I like to "bookmark" or "dog ear" certain pages or phrases that I find helpful for me. Just as I was able to find "good" in these books, I was also able to find things (viewpoints, theories, etc.) that I strongly disagreed with. However, I like to explore new ways of thinking...and I like to remain open to the fact that my way of thinking isn't the ONLY way to think, and not even necessarily the RIGHT way to think. HUH???...LOL...<p>To Persevering: Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to your question. I don't know what will help you find peace in your heart with your particular issues [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] --perhaps you may want to try reading some of the books I have mentioned (most, if not all, are available at the library).<p>However, I will stress that I have learned that attempting to "blame" my H (he was MORE WRONG than I was,etc.), was counterproductive. And, I also believe that if you are "allowing" your H to "blame" his affair on you, then this is also counterproductive. Like Dr. Phil says, "you each have to claim your own mistakes,"...or something like that! For instance, I will agree with the fact that I wasn't meeting all of my H's needs-- and I will accept/OWN this fault/mistake. But, on the other hand, I WILL NOT ALLOW MY H TO SAY THINGS LIKE, "but, Marie, I had the affair because you never wanted to come to my ball games." BECAUSE the TRUTH IS: My H had the affair because HE CHOSE TO HAVE IT, HE WANTED IT, AND HE WAS TOO WEAK TO DO THE RIGHT THING.<p>Perhaps your H needs to do some reading of his own and learn that he should not blame HIS CHOSEN ACTIONS on anyone other than himself (???).<p>I believe my H is finally beginning to realize this truth-- and it makes all the difference in the world.<p>Peace, ~Marie

Very Cool .. thanks Marie!<p>Now I have more reading to do.<p>Jo