I was relieved when someone on Conqueror's elephant thread mentioned a 6 month slump because I'm THERE!<p>Now how do I get out of it?<p>One question, for me this is 6 month after D-Day, but A continues AFIK. The last time we talked about this, WH mentioned that I have really grown from this, and he doesn't want to leave me and kids, but can't give her up. Soon after that I noticed I was falling into the bad habits I had established as an escape before Dday, help me get back on track! (I have kept the weight off and the LB's out, at least.)<p>Now I sort of feel like I need to write an "the elephant is still here" letter. But Conqueror's elephant seems to be the damage left after the affair, while mine is the continuing affair.

B,
The Harley's usually recommend Plan B when your LB is running on empty. 6 months of plan A and a guy sitting on the fence...how are you doing?<p>Again, the 6 month slump is a good time for re evaluation. Have you set boundaries..have you defined your bottom line? <p>T

It is my firm belief that your H will continue to *fence sit* while you are making it comfortable for him to do so.<p>If you are content, and can remain healthy in this situation, then perhaps it is *right* for you to continue on your current path.<p>However, if you are emotionally drained, and feel *beat up*, then perhaps you should take measures which would allow you to feel *whole* again.<p>Never forget that you can ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED (and express your true feelings) without it being a lovebuster...and, you should NEVER FEEL GUILTY about WANTING a QUALITY RELATIONSHIP with your H-- one that includes love, honesty, and respect. <p>Peace to you and your family, ~Marie

Have you read "love must be tough?" just a thought.

Thanks for all of your thoughtful answers! <p>Twyla: I don't think Plan B is right for now. My Love Bank is doing okay, because it appears that my top EN is him being a good father, and he is still doing great at that. Also, I spent a few weeks backsliding, so I want to go back to my better plan A before I go (if ever) to plan B. (The backsliding wasn't because of low love bank, but putting in too much time at work and shorting my prayer time.) <p>I think the slump was partle because I knew after Dday I wasn't stable, I felt like I was a different person every day, so I kept telling myself: "I can make it through Christmas and then make decisions" So after Christmas I felt like I was supposed to be making decisions, and I don't know what to do!<p>sadprincess: I did read "Love Must be Tough" right after Dday and it went against all of my instincts. After that I read the Harley stuff and realized that Dobson seems to suggest plan B without any plan A first, and I really had been in withdrawal in my marriage and needed to do a good plan A first. I have been thinking that I need to reread "Love Must be Tough" now.<p>ohmy_marie: I think I am remaining pretty healthy, and doing a lot for myself, bought myself flowers on V day which I really enjoyed, and so on. Of course I am not quite CONTENT!
I think you hit it with the part about asking. I need to figure out what I want and ask for it.<p>twyla: The boundary thing, um, I think I am boundary-impaired. I am thinking of some, but I can't figure out reasonable consequences. I set one: he does not contact OW from our house. (In fact I don't think they have very much contact, but who know how much time he THINKS of her.) I set another: he does not verbally abuse me anymore because I leave the room (He never did much, but now I don't allow it at all.) I don't want to set one I can't follow through on, another reason I am not ready for plan B.

B,
Good you've thought this out...and you SHOULDN"T set a boundary if you can't back it up.<p>I like your idea of redoubling Plan A efforts till you're ready for B. And absolutely erase LB's from your repetoire.
T

Twyla, thanks for answering so fast! My ISP cut me off, and I didn't get back until now. (WH away, taking care of 3 children, oldest on Spring Break.)<p>Now a really wierd development, I'm trying NOT to get too excited - About 3 weeks after D-day, WH went to a conference for a week, did not call me, did not answer email. WH is at a conference this week, left saying he would not call me, but would check his voice mail in case of emergency.<p>He has called me EVERY night! (So these little things make me want to see what more might happen in Plan A. Every little bit will help an amicable separation if that is what has to happen.)

BGentle,
NEVER underestimate the power of a strong plan A! Don't expect it to "control" your partner, but don't be astonished if it influeneces his interaction with you!<p>In your previous post you said "The backsliding wasn't because of low love bank, but putting in too much time at work and shorting my prayer time.)" Recognizing this is so important. Think of yourself as a camel...well, right now you have a huge pack on your back with the A...too much work time are the straws that break the back. A little more me time will help lessen the load. Don't skip your meditation/prayer time..a short walk, bubble bath..little things just for you.<p>Boundaries, drawing a line in the sand...it is important that you know what your bottom line is. Sounds like you and H are at least communicating about the A, espcially if he told you he was having a hard time giving her up. I went through some of the same, but wasn't really ready to draw my line in the sand at that time. But I did encourage him to talk about her, us, himself. I was very honest with him. I told him I knew that he was still seeing her at times and that it hurt me and lessened the love I had for him. I also told him I didn't know when it would become "too much for me to handle", but his continued contact was speaking volumes..more so than his words. This was not spoken harshly, or even emotionally..more like letting him know where my head was during this time.<p>Continue to keep those LB's at bay!!! Communicate whenever possible and don't be afraid to tell him what you DO admire about him..his parenting, his work..whatever. Let him know that while the A has been a huge shock, and a terrible thing, it is NOT the only thing that you see when you look at him.
T

Wow, T, what you wrote last really sounded like you have been where I am.<p>We communicate about the A VERY rarely, and I have recently decided that if he ever does share "what she thinks" I will respectfully tell him I only care "what he thinks" and "what she thinks" is none of my business. <p>Yeah, like you said, I don't know exactly where the bottom line is so I won't be drawing lines just yet.<p>You said: I also told him I didn't know when it would become "too much for me to handle", but his continued contact was speaking volumes..more so than his words. This was not spoken harshly, or even emotionally..more like letting him know where my head was during this time.<p>This is it! This is what I need to do. I have said the part about someday this will be too much for me to handle, but I said it a long time ago and I think it is time for a respectful announcement that while this time is not here yet, it is closer. Thank you so MUCH! I have known I needed to say something in the interest of being honest about who I am now, but I didn't know what.<p>And you said: Let him know that while the A has been a huge shock, and a terrible thing, it is NOT the only thing that you see when you look at him. <p>And this too, I need to confirm this again.<p>Thanks!

B,
Hope it works out for you.<p>I wanted to repeat what I said about recognizing his good points..and don't be afraid to let him know you admire them. I think often the WS must feel like all the good parts of them have been completely erased by this horrible mistake they made. I wouldn't want to feel like that, why would I want him to feel that way.<p>There was a post on the recovery board the other day and someone wrote..if you want more honesty..be more honest..or something like that. But, you could apply it to other areas too..if you'd like him to be more considerate, better listener, more affection, try doubling your efforts supplying these things to him.<p>Leilana and I have a post going on over there, and I was reminded today that he was actually still involved with her for about 4 months after Dday, and even though he came back to the relationship it wasn't for another 3-4 months before he participated in recovery with any real enthusiasm. So, don't expect a huge turn around...more like tiny degrees of interest and change.<p>When we did talk of the A openly, he would sometimes share what she thought. That was hard, and there were times I really wanted to LB and call her every name in the book. What I found worked better would be to ask him how HE felt about things she said....see, shift the interest back to his thoughts. (after all, those are the one's you need to know).<p>There were times when he would talk about somethings with her that seemed so foreign to me..almost like "who is this guy?", and I would tell him he was revealing someone to me I didn't know existed...tell me more about your frame of mind during that...again, getting back to the crux of the matter..what he was feeling or searching for in the A. This was hard, I had to imagine myself really detached..like a reporter or interested friend, rather than his partner in order to keep from being incredibly hurt. But I didn't LB and this is what enabled him to open up.<p>So, NO LB's!!!! And plan A!! Do you share any recreational interests? Something fun you can do just to get away from relationship stuff for a while? Do that..have some fun with him.
T

have fun with him??? Well, I can try, but there is a pre-existing workaholic problem. So he just can't see the value of not working 70 hour weeks.<p>And then he thinks it is a waste of money for us to go out together because we have to pay for a babysitter.<p>I'm going to write a letter to him today. I tried to talk to him when he got back Sunday and I just couldn't do it. I'll have to write it out first.