It feels like I'm the only person in the world that's awake right now. I went into both of my daughter's rooms and watched them sleeping. I can hear my H snoring away in his bed. I walked outside and stood in the rain and looked around and it seemed that every house was dark but mine. Just one of many sleepless nights since my world crashed in on me 9 months, 3 days and 8 hours ago but who's counting? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I was reading posts here tonight and I see so many hurt people at so many different stages of recovery, discovery and loss. It's really scary how many of us there are. Most of the time I feel totally alone in my pain and I don't want to share it because sharing it means accepting that it's real. It means that yes this really did happen. It means my H is a man I don't really know. <p>I can actually smile now when I remember that day of discovery. Of course it's not a happy smile, more of a "look how far I've come" kind of smile. I remember picking up that card, reading it and the absolute refusal of my brain to process what I was reading. Then came the tears, Thank God my girls weren't here to witness that. I didn't know I had that much raw emotion inside me. I can remember my initial reaction now, I can remember my reaction when he came home too but the rest is all a blur. I didn't want to believe it and I wanted it to all just go away. One week later I came here and I started to heal.<p>Every night I thank God I found this MB site and I thank the woman who sent me here - a stranger in a chat room where I went in desperation.
I thought my world had ended. I didn't know I had only just begun a new chapter in the book of life. If I had the power to re-write my life story, for sure I would edit out the chapter of my H's affair but I would keep the part where I learned to care about me. That's what I have learned from this site - how to create the best possible me that I can. I'm not flawless and I will never make that claim but I am different and yes better than I was 9 months ago. I have so many of you to thank for that and I do thank you - each and everyone of you who share your triumphs and failures here. I appreciate all the valuable information I have learned from each of you. I'll say a special prayer tonight (this morning) for each of you. God bless you all.

Hi TinyDancer,
nope, you are not the only one awake!!!!!!!!!
Just wanted to tell you that! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Now I'll read what you wrote!
hugs
bb

Hi again,
very true what you wrote. It does help being here.
I for myself have learnt so much here too.
hugs
bb

Tiny,
Guess thats why they are called "growing pains" they hurt but you cant stay an infant in your warm soft cradle, unaware of the world forever.
I am so proud of you, and me, we have come a long way in self recovery/discovery.
Although I do worry about you standing out in the rain in the middle of the night!!
L

BB glad to know I wasn't really the only person awake. Thanks for your reply [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sadprincess I love the rain and I always stand in it but it wasn't a storm - only sprinkles lol.
Your story sometimes reminds me of my own. My H also works with the former OW so I understand what you're up against. Growing always hurts but the final product is always worth the pain.