I was just looking back at some old posts from Friday and the weekend. You posted:<p><<Hello T13, Thanks for replying in more detail. H definitely is not even close to wanting to dig deep within himself. Still blames me 100% for the mess we're in...doesn't want to recover the marriage, etc. etc. And it's been a very long time. Gets a little depressing. The longer it is, the less hope I have.>><p>I just wanted to touch on that. You know, for me some of the acknowledgement was gradual, but the big part of realization was all of a sudden. It hit and it hit hard. Sure, I was following my role for awhile, but the real heart of my role came to me all of a sudden. The real dirt of my role hit me hard, and it's something that is more pleasing to ignore. When we see ourselves in this role it's ugly. Then, not only do we have to see ourselves in this ugly light, but then we realize that our spouses must see us that way - which makes it all the more difficult to own up to. It really takes a lot to stand up and take the hits we have dished out ourselves. However, it's also not easy to get to that point, and a lot of people aren't sure how. <p>Stand your ground and know that it's not your fault. Ok, fine, the both of you contributed to the intitial issues that might have lead to his affair, but that's not good enough. He made the conscious choice to stray, not you. Then, when things got real ugly at home, when you had every reason to seek intimacy, compassion, etc. outside of your marriage, but you didn't. You had more reason then he did, but you chose to uphold your vows, to stand by your husband, and devote yourself to the marriage. [My husband pointed this out to me. Reality check!] Anyhow, my husband also took a stand and let me know that for 2 yrs. I'd put blame on him for everything and anything, and it was no longer going to happen. He refused to let me put the blame on him - but I was also trying my best not to. In therapy we learned how to communicate better, and I learned how to open my eyes to the depth of my role. Has your husband looked into therapy? Together, and/or individually? <p>In any event, it is a long and hard role, but your seeking help shows you want this and can survive it. MB teaches the BS to give and give more, and I don't always follow that. It frustrates me sometimes to see how much you guys give and the WS keeps taking. I guess when D-day hit, all that stopped in my home. I was given a choice then and there, and I changed. I worked at making more of the difference because I knew he'd done so for so long. Hopefully it won't take you WH long to see that.<p>If there is anything else I can offer you, please ask. I am not saying the MB way is wrong, not at all. It seems to work, but sometimes I hurt for the BS who is trying so hard while the WS is eating his cake. I applaud this site, and I applaud all those who have made it work for you. <p>I wish you the best Terrified. Keep up your efforts, and write when you need. Take care.

T13, I'm overwhelmed and extremely appreciative of your concern. It's been a hard several weeks and MB has been the only place that I feel comfortable venting my pain. <p>I'm curious about your sudden realization. Was your H in Plan A mode at the time? I dream of my H's "wake-up" but right now, it's really just that...unattainable dream. He seems to be pulling away further and further, still with so much anger and determination. <p>My H is not interested in individual or couples therapy at this time.<p>I believe in my H (his former self) and my marriage. I just need to find the strength to persevere. <p>Thanks for helping me.

Well, we weren't really doing the MB format. See, when D-day hit he was going to leave, but through discussion (a lot of yelling) decided to stay. We went to therapy and I had a really hard time with the why of it all. I went to a different board and got a lot of insights which helped me to feel comfortable to really explore myself deeply. I came up with that why, and more recently (last week) came up with more of a why. It doesn't justify anything, but it has helped. As for the sudden realization. . . well, from day one I could see his pain. I could feel it because of how I could read it in his eyes. I was not insenstive to it at all. However, one day I came to really acknowledge that I made all the decision. That because of MY decisions HE is in such pain. Then the worst part of it all was that I caused his pain, but I couldn't make it go away. That process was more dependant on his decisions. Smack! I cried a lot that day. This was the person I was supposed to love. This was the person I was supposed to protect. I was supposed to be the ONE person he could count on, turn to, feel safe in and with. I was the one person who was never supposed to betray him - and I did just that. I felt that I was an awful person, but he didn't. He still loves me more than life. That was all around the time that he told me about times that I was going out and he would try to get me to stay home, but I ignored his efforts. I sat and thought of that. I thought of his efforts that I failed to see then, and then I thought of him at home looking at our wedding album and crying. To really see that image in my mind threw me into a whole new realization. How could I do this to the man I love? What am I? Then, then I remembered the times he called me because my son wanted me to come home to calm him to sleep. I blew it off. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It shames me to admit this. I am and always have been a good mother, but my affair blinded me to a lot. I hate the person I had become. To this day I still have a hard time sometimes liking me. Then I struggle with "I have to like me for anyone else to like me", but that makes it all the harder. Hubby and I talked about this last week, and you know what? He said it was ok for me to not like me, that he still still likes/loves me!<p>Anyhow, I got a little long winded here, but I hope I've answered your question. I had a lot of revalations throughout, but there was a big turning point, and that was when I told him how my pain and my hurt is because of his. That I know that it's because of my selfishness and my choices that he is hurt, insecure, etc. And that the hardest thing to accept is that I was so able to cause it and I cannot do anything to stop it. <p>I hope this helps. Remember, it is hard to look that deep and see yourself for what you have become. It makes you feel vulnerable and ugly. Plus, it makes us look ugly to our spouse - or does it? I've learned that's not true, but that the BS will admire you more for it.<p>Take care, and keep us posted. Also, remember my footer: Be true, stay strong, but remember it's ok to feel weak sometimes. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi T13, Thanks for your insight. Difference is (and it's a sad one) that my H sees nothing wrong with him and everything wrong with me. Just yesterday he said, "when did you put ME first like I put YOU first..." I was making reference to my daughter in a conversation with her because she was sick. My H said, "well, are you going to stay home tomorrow and take her to see the doctor?" I basically replied, "I always put her needs first. You know that. If I have to take her, I will not go to work." H replied, "Well, too bad you didn't have that attitude towards me. "<p>I congratulate you on your ability to look at yourself too. Of course, I've taken a real hard look at myself and didn't like what I found. That's why I'm definitely focused on changing. <p>Thanks again for your concern.

((((((T.... T... T))))))), I am soooo sorry your H is BLAMING you for what HE HAS DONE. YOu sound like you are... and I have just been through that again these last few days... my H has called me names again, yelled at me, etc etc- because I wanted to relationship talk with him and boy did he get MAD! He wants to own NO PART of what is wrong between us.... IT IS ALL MY FAULT you see... Yes, I too, like you, acknowledge I could be a better wife, and would like to be...<p>Well, it takes work on their part too! Remember that sweetie.... eventually you are going to get tired of his ABUSE to you. I know you really are... but the REAL WAY TO STOP IT, is to STOP ALLOWING IT....<p>I am now doing dobson's plan in my version of MB.... I opened the cage door , and completely let H go yesterday.... I told him so, and I mean it.... (I Know it is going to be very hard, and I am going to miss him).... but after this bout of verbal abuse... I need him no more until he decides he wants to be a REAL HUSBAND... ya know the kind that own responsibility and care about their wi ves... and the kind that own their part in what is wrong in a relationship and work to make it better!????<p>I know you know this... I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to affirm how I feel by typing it out, and letting you know you and I both are of way more value than our H's say and think right now.<p>Please get LOVE MUST BE TOUGH, by dobson, he does focus on the family, I ordered it from his website.<p>It is excellent so far... great awakening to what my H is doing.... affirmation of what everyone else keeps telling me....<p>And the fact that he was only going to be nice, when he got what he wanted from me... but that he does not care or concern himself with what I need... well, ok, then , I love you, but go. bye<p>I feel so much better. I will no longer tolderate abusive conversations from this man!<p>Hugs to you, I hope it gets better today and you have a wonderful weekend.<p>by the way, I am sure you were a good wife... a great one, and if in any way ... you withdrew and quit doing so much for your h, which I am sure at one time you did! It must of had something to do with how he treated you! RIGHT????<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Please take care of you. YOu are worth it, God loves you however you are, and he is there to hold you and take caRe of you.<p>HONEY

Terrified: I am sorry your husband is being so blind. I know it hurts you and pains you with the words he says. You know what - none of us are perfect, and we all forget to do something or other that would make our SO feel special and loved. The problem is that we never seem to feel comfortable pointing it out calmly at the time it can be discussed productively. Instead, we let it build up and then blow up in the midst of something else. Ok, fine, maybe you didn't put him first the way he would have liked (that's the key), but it was his responsiblity to express to you what he desired. It takes two to make a marriage work or fail, and it's up to each of you individually how you approach these. Maybe it would be good to say, fine, I'm done, like Honey suggested. Maybe it will force him to see that yes he too is at fault and that it will require not only your 100% but his 100% as well. Me, I failed to take advantage of an opportunity to make things right in Feb. 2001 without having to spill the whole story. I didn't straighten myself out until July 2001 (d-day) when faced with losing everything. Reality bites, and it forces you to face and own up to a lot sometimes. Reality to me was that I risked losing everything I ever wanted in life (my family WITH my husband). Boy was I an [censored].<p>In any event, I wish you well in your efforts to save your marriage. Again, for what it's worth, you are not the reason he had an affair, and it's not all your fault. Take care.