I pulled this off the divorce/divorcing board. A place that, sadly, I find myself spending more time at these days:
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I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. <p>I'll have to admit that I am completely guilty of #'s 10 and 11. If by #8 they mean sending a card every three or four weeks, I'm guilty there too. I don't agree with #s 15 and 17, either.<p>If #2 means more than two, well....that's half the number that my WS calls me in a day. Especially when it's my week with the kids.<p>Anybody else care to react?

By your signature line you have been in Plan A for 4 months. Have you seen any changes? The key is to try something different. <p>As far as #10. Do not spy on spouse - if you already have evidence of an EA there is no reason to sabatoge yourself by finding out more - that is obsessive compulsive behavior. Especially if your W is honest without about the EA.<p>As far as #8 and #11. Do not say "I Love You" - Doesn't she already know this? this can be considered smothering if she is already feeling smothered.<p>#2 sound like your W may be having a problem detaching from you. Why should she be a cakeeater and get the best of both worlds. Get caller ID and don't answer the phone when she calls.<p>Its the small consistant changes that they notice that makes them say "hey where did loving spouse go? I better go get him."<p>Have you read Love must be tough by James Dobson: that would answer your questions about #17.<p>I don't know your whole story and am assuming a lot. I hope you get more replys but believe it or not this list is A LOT like Plan A it is about taking care of you. Have you counseled with the Harley's?

LuvNprotect,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>By your signature line you have been in Plan A for 4 months.<hr></blockquote><p> You need to look at his sig line again. That's the year 2000, not 2002.<p>
AH,<p> Thanks for posting this. I agree that some of this goes hand in hand with Plan A.<p> As for #10, can you understand why snooping is something we should avoid as time goes on? I would suggest that snooping will sabotage your Plan A efforts. Or at the very least make Plan A much more difficult.<p> I do not agree with #11 entirely. However the I love yous should become less. With the passing of time???<p> #17 I would only agree with IF you are about to move into Plan B.<p> Much of this makes perfect sense. But be prepared that if you are not actually ready for the relationship to be over, it could blow up in your face. <p> jd

Thanks for straightening out the time. Sometimes it feels like its been even longer than fourteen months!<p>Iluvnprotectme-<p>I have been counseling with Steve Harley regularly from the start. On the average, about every three weeks. I'd do more if I could afford it.<p>It has been with Steve's approval that I send my wife little notes e-notes or cards. I don't overdo it.<p>As far as saying "I love you", similiar answer. Again with a Harley endorsement.<p>About the "spying" issue. I don't spy on my wife. I do affair research. If you consider taking a quick drive by her place just to see if there is that other familiar car in her driveway spying, then so be it. I'm not getting out an stasring in her window. Besides, Dr. Harley has stated he is all for checking up on the WS in one of his articles right here on the website.<p>Lastly, why in God's name would I want to "detach" from my wife. That is so anti-Plan A it isn't funny. Plan A is not only about working on myself, but trying to satisfy as many of her emotional needs as possible. How can one do that by shutting the WS out?<p>I think you have trouble confusing Drs. Harley and Dobson. Both have there differences and similarities. I haven't read much of Dobson's work. From what I have it looks like he believes in going straight to a Plan B.<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>

I was just guilty of #26, and I'm going into a bit of a panic. I overhead a conversation and told H about it. I should've shut up. I know I'm doing ok at this but really worried about these mini disasters, because to WS, its mini disaster x 2 isn't it?<p>I have not said I love you to H for nearly two weeks. Although I care deeply about him, I don't know if I feel that "romantic love". I guess yes if I care deeply its love, but for some reason I don't feel like saying it. Actually I am scared to probably because I don't get it back. Hey, this is something I need to think about, because I should not be thinking that way. I should say it if that's how I feel, shouldn't I? What did others do/think.<p>I think this was a great thread to start.

We are talking about three different people and approaches here. Each is slightly different from the others yet have ideas that can be used together.<p>Marriage Building, Dr. Harley… Plan A, Plan B, Rules of protection, care, time, honesty.<p> Love Must be Tough, Dr. Dodson … He says that an affair is the most disrespectful thing that a spouse can do to the other. So go straight to Plan B. He’s not even wild about reconciliation. Interprets that Bible to say that an affair is non-Christian behavior, a breaking of the marriage vows and there fore divorce is sanctioned by the Bible.<p>Divorce Busting, Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W. She is very much involved in improving marriages and pulling them away from the brink of divorce. Recovery from infidelity is not the main focus of her work. Though she has written a good book on the subject. She stresses much of what Harley does, like meeting emotional needs.<p>Now for the above Divorce Busting list. It’s very useful but I can see from the things being said here that if taken out of context it can do some harm. The point of the list is that couples get into behavior patterns that are so predictable that each knows exactly what the other is going to say. This is one of the behavior components that lead to couples not being about to break argument patterns. So if one of the spouses makes some changes, the other will have to too. It’s a very affective way to turn a marriage around. The basic mantra is “If what you are doing right now is not working, then try another approach until you find one that works.” <p>The reason the list suggests things like pulling away a bit is that very often the partner who is most interested in saving the marriage becomes very clingy. It’s almost like they are begging the other. She is suggesting that this spouse change their behavior in a manner in which they are not clingy. She does not mean to totally detach from your spouse. The entire idea of the approach is to build a more healthy attachment. So the list has ideas to help a clingy spouse get their footing and to change their behavior in a positive light.<p>But, if their normal behavior is contrary the clingy pattern, they would do exactly the opposite. Here are some examples…..<p>
#8 Do not buy gifts. ------- If you have been buying gifts to show your love and affection then stop doing it. But if you have not, then maybe an occasional gift will make your spouse feel special.<p>#11. Do not say "I Love You" ------- If you have been smothering, clinging and saying “I Love You” at every turn, back off. That will only serve to alienate your spouse. On the other hand, if you never say “I Love You” then start saying it.<p>#2. No frequent phone calls ---- the same thing applies, do the opposite of what you have been doing.<p>#18… Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing ----- then there are some of the suggestions like this one. We should never be nasty, angry (read expressing one’s anger in an ugly manner) or cold to our spouse. If you have been nasty, angry and cold, a 180 will certainly get your spouse’s attention. This is a very important part of Plan A --- No love busting. However, if you have not been like this, do not do a 180 and become nasty.. It will not work well. Good sense is called for.<p>…re….. “Lastly, why in God's name would I want to "detach" from my wife. That is so anti-Plan A it isn't funny. Plan A is not only about working on myself, but trying to satisfy as many of her emotional needs as possible. How can one do that by shutting the WS out?”<p>What does detaching mean here? That a person needs to stop clinging and depending on their spouse for everything. Let me give you an example.<p>In my marriage, after d-day I became very much afraid to be away from my spouse. I needed the constant assurance that I got from being with him. Now that we are well into recovery, I am finding that this is becoming unhealthy for me. I have not been out to lunch with my best friend is a year. I think that more recently my clinginess has lead to him taking me a little bit for granted too. So I’m starting a 180 on this. I’ve having lunch with my friend this weekend. I also am looking into taking some kind of class on Saturdays while he takes the kids to their bowling leagues. <p>We still get our 15 hours a week together. I just needed to stop smothering him. <p>IMHO most of the Divorce Busting concepts work hand in hand with MB. I’ve been incorporating them into our ‘life long Plan A’ with great success.<p>Some here on MB have improved their Plan A by making 180 or at least some subtle 180’ish change.<p>In order to really understand how to use this list and where it fits in, a person would have to read at the very least the book “Divorce Busting”. <p> Here’s a link to a resent post from an MB’er who has had some success with the DB list. It shows the subtle changes that made all the difference to her Plan A. Nowhere is she detaching by just blowing your H off. She is just not being so clingy and needy.<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

SeaHorse,<p>Please do not take this list as an absolute on how you should behave… read my post above. <p>Of course you should tell your H that you love him if you do. The point of DB and the list is that if you have become clingy and needy, do a 180. If you tell him you love him 1000 times a day, cut it down to one or twice or not at all for a while until a new order is established.<p>I’m guilty of this. I cannot stop telling my H that I love him. But the good thing is that he’s the same way. So it works for us.<p>But if I were smothering him with these proclamations, then I should cool it for two reasons. The first is that he will appreciate it and not feel so smothered. It will cause a change in his behavior. This list does not mean that you should never tell your spouse that you love him.
So yes, tell him that you love him.<p>A person would strongly adhere to the 180 list if they are trying to shake their spouse into noticing their existence again. Once you have your spouses attention, then you can slowly modify the behaviors into a long-term pattern that works.<p>Does this make sense?

Zorweb-<p>Thanks for straightening out the names. I started to read Dr. Dodson's book on affairs. Couldn't finish it. Too much fire and brimstone for me. Don't get me wrong. I am a Christian and pray to God daily for the strength and knowledge to get through this. He (Dr. Dodson) has some good ideas, but nothing that isn't covered better by Dr. Harley. A holier-than-thou attitude isn't going to resolve our problem right now.<p>I guess you are also kind of right about doing the reverse of what's on the list. I rarely told my wife I loved her before all this. The token card would only come on a proper holiday. So I guess I'm not doing too bad by sending one once in a while if I'm careful not to overdue it...

Always Hopeful,<p>Yea now you have the idea.<p>Have you ever read "Divorce Busting" or any other of her books/materials. They are very good with great ideas.<p>Have a great day!!

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