Not posted a lot, I'm not that knowledgable about this subject, but I read almost daily, and there appears to be a lot of people with some real insight here.<p>I need to know which way to turn, 6 months now after D-Day, and continued (sporadic) contact, I now have found myself moved out of our house (due to financial reasons, it was cheaper for me stay at a friends than my WS and D move out). What I'm trying to do is work out a budget that lets my WS move out (with D) that doesn't cripple us financially, then perhaps go to plan B. Many friends/family (even hers) have told me to go ahead and file for D, but I know in my heart that is not what I want (especially for my D).<p>WS says she needs some space, says it is over with OM, but I've been hearing that for the last 6 months. Really what I'm trying to do is give her the space she wants without crippling us financially (WS has a spending "habit"), but I'm not sure how long I can carry-on sleeping on the floor when I work all week to pay the mortgage for a large house that WS has the run of. Should I file for financial separation, what is the advantage of that? I certainly don't want to start D proceedings unless that is my only option.<p>BS - 35
WS - 31, OM - 27 Student
D - 4 yrs
D-Days, 9/29, 10/30, 2/1
Separation 3/4/02

You really ought to be talking to a lawyer about this. I will tell you that my initial reaction to reading this post was, "oh no! he moved out of the house! BAD move on his part!". If these things aren't done totally legally and in writing etc, then it could be looked upon as you abandoning your W and D.... it's irrelevant to the law that you are paying for that house.<p>So, my advice to you is to go and see a lawyer. My bet is that he/she will advise you to move back in the house. At the very least, they'll be able to show you how to go about doing that. <p>BTW, my 'knowledge' on this stuff (more of an opinion actually) is based on many threads I've read on this board over the last year that have related to abandonment/separation/etc.<p>Karen

Talk to a lawyer and a counselor. Steve is good and you can do a phone counseling session. <p>check your options. Your W is the WS? Then she can watch the D during the day and you watch D at night? Let her move out. <p>JMHO,
L.

OK, talked to a lawyer, he told me there are no legal repercussions regarding abandonment etc. And the good news is that my tax rebate came through, and I'm going to use it to get back in the house (yes I was also told I have full legal rights of access), and get my WS out into an apartment. I have set up a budget for her so that she is not desperate, but I'm sure it will hurt her "lifestyle"<p>What are your thoughts ?<p>wpd

I have no advice but a couple of questions if you don't mind.<p>Why do you feel the need to provide financially for your WW?
and
Are you not seeking custody of your daughter?

The reason I feel that I need to provide for my WS is that I made some fundamental vows about 10 years ago that I truely believe in, plus I know that she cannot survive on her own. I hope that doesn't sound controlling!!<p>In addition, I know that she is so deep in the fog at the moment, and that eventually that will lift, that I don't want her to feel resentment about me forcing her to live by her own means, am I wrong?<p>wpd

No you aren't wrong. I agree completely with your reason and it's actually what I hoped you would say. Also, you don't sound controlling. I wish you luck and I'll say a prayer for you and your family.

I am thrilled to hear that you spoke to a lawyer about this.<p>All in all, it sounds like you're on your way to a much better plan towards recovery, IMO. But then again, being a BS, I'm a bit anti-WS, and feel that if they want that 'new life', then they should be the one to move out and go and find it, with as little help from the BS as possible. Hmph! Do you think I still have some resentment issues to deal with? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

So how should I go about this, I am due to stay Sunday night to look after my D (while my WS works), should I just move back then, or should I warn her in advance?<p>wpd

I would tell her you are planning to move back. She may ask why and you can say because it's your home also and you wish to be there. It may be hard for her to understand. Just stay calm and no LB's. Good luck to you!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wpd:
<strong>The reason I feel that I need to provide for my WS is that I made some fundamental vows about 10 years ago that I truely believe in, plus I know that she cannot survive on her own. I hope that doesn't sound controlling!!<p>wpd</strong><hr></blockquote><p>How will your W ever suffer the consequences of her poor decisions if you do this for her? If she wants to leave her family then she needs to support herself. She can't break her committment and expect to still have all the benefits of living in a family. You are just prolonging - or preventing - any chance of recovery if you support her. If she wants to live alone, let her do it - ON HER OWN. <p>If she wants to enjoy your support as a wife, then she can stay home and act like one. Please quit enabling her - you are only hurting your family. She needs to experinece the consequences of her decisions to ever learn anything.

wpd,<p>Put another way, it is not your obligation to "support" your WS in destructive ventures. You should not HELP her destroy your family and if she persists in doing so, she should be allowed to do so ALL ON HER OWN, suffering the full effect of the consequences. That is how people learn. Don't aide and abet her in destroying your family. <p>To set her up in an apartment [where she can see the OM unimpeded]is the same as giving an alcoholic the keys to the bar.

wpd,
I admire your wanting to provide for your wife, it shows that you are a kind person. I felt when reading your post that you are not sure if you want a d or not. I think that you should take it slow, think things out, is there a chance that the two of you could work things out? Are you hoping that working things out is an option? I know that if I'd have listened to my family, telling me to dump my ws, I would not be with him now. We are very happy together now, after years of being miserable. (It's taken a lot of effort, but it's coming along nicely) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I think that Melody makes a good point when she states:To set her up in an apartment [where she can see the OM unimpeded]is the same as giving an alcoholic the keys to the bar. <p>I'm glad that you are posting here, you will find a lot of support!
mt
bs-age37
wh-age 43
m 19y
2c, 18&14

MT, your are right that I do not want a D, and I'm hoping that we caan work things out. I just feel that my WS doesn't know where she is at the moment, what she wants etc. Yes all my friends, all her friends, and my family have told me to D her, but I'm not sure that is the route I want to take, not yet anyway.<p>Thanks for the reponse
wpd

Wish me luck, moving back this afternoon......

good luck wpd!!
mt

Well things got a little ugly, my WS initially refused to let me move, the she said if I moved in she would move out, I agreed. I told her we needed to work out a financial plan that allowed her to rent an apartment. I let her do all the figures (not here strong point) as I had all of them in my head. During the whole day she was furious, started talking about whether she should retain a lawyer etc. I was proud of myself that I didn't lose my temper at all, in fact I was remarkably calm. She's out at work so the house is quiet now, seems strange that she could make me move out without a second thought, but when she has to move out (her original suggestion about a month ago), she flies into a rage.<p>I also got the usual fog talk about her having wasted 10 years of her life with me with nothing to show for it. I guess travelling the world and having a beautiful D doesn't count for much these days.

Hi Wpd,<p>You done good. Now stick by your guns and hanker down for the duration of this rough ride. <p>She will spew all sorts of babble. Don't let it lead you on. Even if the babble is in your favor. As long as it is babble it will not last. <p>She may even threaten to do things you know she legally can not. Let her mouth it all, then don't comment too much. She is saying all this to get a reaction out of you. Don't give her that satisfaction. Kinda like a spoiled child. Don't enable her actions. Disable the A by enabling your family. It may not be wise to let her know all your plans, info and abilities. <p>WS' sweat better when they don't know where the BS stands. I might get flamed for that statement but it is true. Don't show all your cards. <p>L.

Thanks Orchid for the response. I'm not sure where things go from here. I guess 6 months ago, after D-Day, I knew we had work to do, but together. WS has told me she is not in a place to work on the M at the moment. Althouh she has been adamant in the past about not wanting a D, the events of today may have changed her mind, or pehaps that was her extreeme anger taking over.<p>Just a little more history, WS as in IC for about 18 months, during which time her anger has come out and been directed at everyone in her family, and ended up with me. She has been on Celexa all that time, and has a history of depression (back in 1994, and again in 1998, after my D was born). We were in MC after D-Day, up until the end of last year, when WS thought the MC wasn't helping us (WS thought MC was getting at her for her A). Things got better over Christmas and the new year, right up until the point WS got drunk and went to see OM. Since then I have moved out of the bedroom (her request), I have moved out of the house (her request), and I have move back in and she is going to move out (not her request !!).<p>Thanks for your responses, they really help, I guess I am just rambling here.<p>wpd<p>[ March 24, 2002: Message edited by: wpd ]</p>