Hmmmm. Well I suppose I could give a tear causing answer to this. But most of us I think have lost a few too many of those already. <p> I sat and thought about this question. Then thought some more about it. There is a great deal happening in my life lately. Some great and positive things. Yet some things have not changed even with all the time and effort put into them. <p> At the end of my indepth look at what was asked I find there is only one true answer.<p> I WOULD MISS NOTHING ABOUT THE PERSON MY WIFE IS NOW!!!<p> Not one little thing. Here is just one reason why.<p> <p> I have a 20 year old daughter, we just found out she is pregnant. We were all sitting around talking and somehow the conversation came up about being a grandparent. My WS looked at my daughter and said her child would never be allowed to call her grandma.<p> This is only one example. There are many such stupid remarks and actions. <p> The person I would miss is long gone ladies and gentlemen.<p> jd

DH has been away for a couple of days on business so I'm missing him right now! What I'm missing is:<p>His warm body in bed with me
His smile
His hugs
His quirky sense of humour
His kisses
His concern and support for me when I'm troubled

Thanks for all the wonderful replies... not sure where I was going w/ this... but I wanted to see if your replies were in line w/ mine... and for the most part they are...<p>There's a lot of things we would miss about our spouse... the one we married... the one we thought we married.<p>I'm not sure where my therapist was going w/ the question... I will have to ask her on Tuesday... so maybe more to come on this [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ...<p>Cali<p>btw... an individual response to each is coming... I was getting my hands dirty today... changing harddrives in my computer lab... along w/ user names and passwords...<p>hugs to all.

The remarks about not missing those people that some of your spouses have changed into kinda puzzles me. Do people change so much, and do they change forever? Or do they get pushed and pulled around by life and circumstances? Or maybe it's just our perceptions of people that we miss? <p>Do we only lose our image of who someone was, when they were someone else all along? Were they someone else all along or were they always there, but hiding underneath the masks and layers? Are they really so different now, so forever changed for the worst (or the better)...or can they come back to who they were?<p>LOL...this got me thinking about a bunch of questions that make no sense...<p>[ March 23, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

Mine has left already [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Besides all the regular lovey dovey stuff one thing I miss and could have said before he left is the future. By that I mean sharing together the joys of our children. Whether it be careers, marriage, grandchildren. We will never get to experience those things on a true and equal level. That's what I miss! The whole family part!

Ok don't laugh,<p>His cute buns.... [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

This is a great post Cali... thanks!<p>TowardsTheFuture... I totally agree with your train of thought. I have mulled those questions over and over myself I am glad to see someone else putit into words. It is so hard to wrap my mind around sometimes.<p> Before I found out about my H's A, he was away at school. I had missed him terribly not realizing an EA was in effect and soon to be a PA. Just because I missed my H, I would write to him all the time. On three occasions I wrote down 100 things I missed about him and sent them. I am glad I had the opportunity to tell HIM how I felt and what I missed before I found out about the A.<p> I still miss those 300 things and probably 1000 more. Many of you say you do not like the person your spouse has become. I do not know who my spouse is right now because he cut communication after D-day. Only 3 phone calls and 4 e-mails- all of which were nice but left me in limbo still.<p>
Some of the things I miss:<p>The way he held/hugged me, we fit together perfectly.
His laugh
His sh**eating grin
His charisma
Intelligent stimulating conversations
Rediculous (Spelling?) silly conversations
Finishing each others thoughts, sentences
Agreeing on just about everything
Having the same taste in style
Sharing moments
Staying naked all day watching TV, eating, making love
Making love
Making love
Making love
The way he always made sure I had a napkin and a drink when we ate dinner
His practical jokes
The way he curled his toes when he was reading or concentrating on something
Taking showers together
Taking baths together
Going to HomeDepot or shopping for the house
Going to the beach with the dogs on freezing cold Sunday mornings
Driving to the beach during thunder or snowstorms just for the thrill of it
Making love in our backyard hoping our neighbors don't hear/see (thrilling!)
I miss him and everything about him
There's so much more I could go on and on.
I miss alot of what everyone else said about their spouses as well.<p> I think I will go write another list and send it to him. Thanks for the idea Cali, this is wonderful!!
Forgiver

TTF:<p>Your questions are right on the mark. I think that my WW in part justifies her behavior and our withdrawl within our M by saying things like "I'm not the person you thought you were married to all these years." Sure she is. She just wasn't being herself entirely with ME, because she was sharing part of herself with OM. <p>We all change. We all grow. Our belief systems change, our interests change. I changed from a Christian Scientist to an atheist, and my W changed from a Fundamenntalist Christian to an atheist. We were both working at typical low-income mundane jobs when we met, but we both had ambitions for the future. Specifically what we wound up doing is somewhat different from what we thought we would be doing, but we were there for each other when we were making the choices along the way about what we wanted to do. <p>My IC pointed out that many long term M's, and people in their 40's, need to take time to focus on defining their boundaries and work together on planning what they can do together (kind of like the Harley's 15hrs of undivided attention/wk), because they plod along shoulder to shoulder for so long, building a family and a home and financial security, that they forget to be a couple. That's why A's are so easy to get pulled into. <p>And then it's the rationalization that tells the BS that they didn't really know their WS all the time. <p>Oh well, back to work on myself!

Cali,
You may be getting more responses from those whom's WS's have left because the rest of us whom's Ws's are still here aren't really dealing with that thought. Right now I really can't think of much, but if WW were to leave, I could probably write a book. JMHO. We don't see what is not there.

My husband has been gone for 8 months......there are so many things I miss.......<p>I miss my best friend....someone that was there for me through everything! I miss our family life with our boys. We were such a great family. I miss our competitions...bowling, miniature golf...backgammon....we were so competitve and loved games! Vacations at the beach.....both of us reading a good book. There are too many to name!<p>What gets me most is my future without him....graduations...weddings...holidays..the birth of our grandchildren....and our retirement together. It hurts so bad to know that he will be making plans with her.<p>To all of you who still have your spouses at home....go give them the biggest HUG!!!! You are so lucky. I would give anything to be in your shoes.
M<p>[ March 23, 2002: Message edited by: Feeling So Alone ]</p>

I guess I was wondering about all of this because...well, it wasn't until I had my affair and faced it that I feel I truly began to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, and what I want out of my life. I still don't know myself...I feel like I'm just starting to learn. I didn't know (or even think about)any of these things while I was having the affair...instead of trying to find out the sources of my discontent, I chose to run away from it.<p>It wasn't until I began to deal with my life and my problems that I began to know myself. I can understand why a BS would think that they don't know their spouse if most WS's have experienced what I have. They undoubtedly do not even really know themselves...so how could anyone else know them? I'm sure most of you feel fooled or misled...but it's the WS who are misled about themselves and about how life works.<p>[ March 23, 2002: Message edited by: TowardsTheFuture ]</p>

TTF:<p>I think we're all a little in the dark about who we are, and who our spouses are. We grow and our interests/likes/dislikes change focus over time. <p>What we DO know about each other is the day-to-day life stuff that we've shared during our M's, which because it's routine, makes us really susceptable to the excitement of an A. Or so I gather from what my WW has told me about hers. Gotta do that "regularly scheduled maintenance" thing on our relationships, or the M breaks down.

Cali,<p>At one point, during the time when my WH (didn't know it then) was spending more and more time "working" out of state, it was suggested to me that I write out EVERY day 10 things that i was greatful for in my H.<p>At the time, neither of us were meeting each others needs and very distant from one another. <p>I did make the list each day, and I was amazed at the result. I began to miss the guy and wish that we had a good M. By focusing on the poitive side, I began to fall back in love with him. <p>Here is what I do miss when he is gone....<p>I love to watch him be MR Fix it...I watch his butt and his concentration on what he is doing. He's good at fixing things, I am not. The kids and I laugh at the "plumber look" where his butt shows at the top of his pants. (his cute butt)<p>I love to watch him when he truley interacts with the kids. Just talking and paying attention to them. He used to coach 2 of the kids softball teams.<p>I miss sleeping spoon style snuggles next to him.<p>I miss the SF, the way he makes me feel is so incredible. We connect oh so well. (although it's been a long, long time for that and at this point I have trouble even thinking about it. the A's changed all that. Hopefully we can re-establish that part of our R)<p>I miss running my fingers through his curly hair at the back of his neck.<p>I miss family vacations - we've had some real struggles camping, but that is what we laugh most about!<p>I miss him being at home. Just being her. I miss doing things with him, from just going down to the coffee house, or going out to dinner.<p>I miss being able to talk things over with him. To have someone to share with and help work through life's struggles and life's joys.<p>I miss how he makes me stretch and grow in ways that I never thought possible.<p>I miss the hugs.<p>I miss being able to look into his incredible eyes.<p>I don't miss what he has become. It is better that he is away most of the time because I have trouble dealing with where he is right now.<p>
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

I already miss everything I loved and admired in the man I married: His strength, spiritual and moral fortitude, honor, loyalty, trustiworthiness, dependability, compassion, and his ability to lead our family and help me to feel protected. I also admired his intelligence, which is probably still there, but hidden by his Barbarino syndrome.<p>If he left, I would miss what is left: His income and our sexual R, which I am learning from several reliable sources is not likely to be replaceable. With my lack of experience, I thought most people had a sex life like mine, but the more I learn from others, the more I'm discovering that what my H and I have belongs to "the Blessed Few" as author and marriage/sex therapist David Schnarch defines it.

I am the WS so I hope you don't mind me cutting in on the thread. My wife and I are currently seperated and divorce is pending so I have really been thinking about this a lot lately. A lot of times a WS has to lose what is valuable to them before they wake up.<p> So here are some of the things that I would miss......
- the deep look in her eyes when she says "I Love You".<p> - the look she gives me when she didn't agree<p> - the way she smells<p> - her smile<p> - her laugh<p> - watching her from our bed while she gets ready.<p> - stopping her in the middle of a room and just hugging and kissing because I love her. <p> - cuddling up naked with each other in bed at nite and REALLY feeling every part of her body from head to toe. It is as close to heaven as I can imagine.<p> - asking if she got memo about sleeping naked at nap and she saying it must have gotten lost in the mail.<p> - making love<p> - after making love then just laying on top of her and kissing<p> - being excited about coming home from work so I could see her<p> - sharing how our day went with each other while sitting on the porch having a glass of wine<p> - weekend getaways<p> - planning for the future<p> - biking, rollerblading, hiking with her and kids<p> - watching her with pets<p> - watching her with kids..she is the greatest mom<p> - her cooking (especially her mashed potatoes)<p> - sitting and watching her sleep<p> - getting e-mails, off line messages, and phone calls from her<p> - her driving(while putting make-up on)

- watching her leave for work<p> - when she touches me for no reason<p> - when we eat out and we sit in a booth across from each other she puts her feet up on my seat in between my legs<p> - giving her massages<p> - holding hands<p> - vacations<p> - just being her best friend<p> I guess you could say all my senses miss her. Seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, and tasting.