Can someone who is basically a fantasy become a one way emotional affair and if so, what do I do about it?<p>My husband and I have been having problems for a while. Serious problems for over a year and a half. I've worked on and off with Steve Harley, but my husband refuses to go to counseling. He only recently read some books by Dr. Harley.<p>
I've been doing Plan A for a year, and my husband seems happier. But, I'm not. Which led me to the rather bizarre situation I'm in now.<p>There's this guy at work. Which would not be so unusual. Except we almost never talk. Our relationship consists mainly of "how are you" said in such as way as if he really wants to know. I know in my head that he says it the same way to everyone. Once, he asked what was wrong, and what could he do to make it better. Since my husband never asks this question or thinks he should help make it better, I feel almost instantly.<p>For a long time, I've had a daytime mantra of "He can never mean anything to you." But, I fall down on this at night, while I'm huddled in my corner of the bed. Then, I work out intricate fantasies about how he's attracted to me too. Romantic scenes of how we couldn't never be together. Etc. Also, I've had less tame fantasies. Physical ones.<p>Given I know this guy could care less about me, given I don't really know him, given I don't really talk to him except with others about things like the horoscope, could this really be an EA? <p>And if so, do I really need to quit my job? I work in a family business. I'd hate for him to have to leave. Not fair to an innocent by-stander. Plus, he's involved in a very urgent project right now. We can't afford for him to leave. <p>Or, (wishful thinking) is it okay to fantasize as long as I know it's just that?<p>And just to reassure everyone, especially those who are betrayed, I definately protect myself against this possible affair. I don't hang out with him. And when he asked what was wrong that time, I lied. I said problems with my father. Much better than husband.

Bump for responses for GreenGables!

At first glance I'd say no, but by you're asking the question, it seems that you fear you might. Any advice from more expierienced MB'ers?

If it's a real person, I'd say that it might not be at present, but it could turn into one. I would try to nip it in the bud, because if the attraction is ever reciprocated, you are in big trouble.<p>How about if you're a writer and you fantasize about characters you've created? And use them to spice up your sex life with your spouse? Does that count?

GreenGables,<p>This is a tough one. My H and I are still reeling from his one-sided EA with a co-worker. It has been 15 months since I found out and at that time he had had the attraction to the OP for two years prior. This EA definately did not help our marriage. I knew something was wrong but was not able to put my finger on the problem. It definately contributed to the drain in our Love Banks.<p>Even though he says the OP does not know, the EA has been a very strong connection for him to let go. Even though she may not have been aware, she was meeting his need for affection, admiration, conversation as well as being his triggers for attraction. These needs were met in the bubble of work without the influence of home life to interfere. I met his other needs at home.<p>I consider this a very real threat to your marriage. My H did not share with me when he first noticed his attraction to the OP and continued being dishonest until DDay when at that point he had lost a lot of weight, was very edgy, wouldn't touch me or look at me and a real pain to be around for our little family. When I found out, I was put into a real roller coaster of a ride and have not been able to find the exit sign yet. I recommend that you limit all contact with the OP as well as share with your H your attraction to the OP. He needs to know so he can have the chance to choose to meet your needs. If you choose to keep silent then you are depriving him the chance to work with you. That is my big regret: I was not given the choice to work with my H on the challenge until it was a nightmare.<p>Yes, I did contribute to the downward spiral of our marriage by doing LBs. But, I chose to work within our marriage and did not seek out an "other" to relieve the pain that I was feeling before DDAy. Today, sometimes I wish I would have someone who would meet my needs as I wish my H would but I KNOW that it would just make things crazier. <p>Emotions and feelings are very strong to deal with by themselves. I recommend that you share with your counselor for advice. <p>Good Luck to you. I know you know what to do; You have walked a long walk so far so please do not take any detours....<p>Hugs to you,
From the ashes,
FenixWife
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Greengables,<p>I have been in your shoes! Please listen. I too was starved for affection and became infatuated with a woman that worked for me. Despite the fact that our relationship was very professional, my attraction for her grew steadily stronger. I knew it was only a fantasy and that there could never be anything between us. I knew that I would never leave my wife for her. At the same time, my marriage was terrible and I fantasized about the possibility of a better relationship with this woman. The more I tried not to think about her (and I tried hard!) the worse it seemed to get. It was without doubt the worst period of my life. I had a terrible marriage and it only got worse as I was tortured every day by my unwanted fantasy. Eventually, I was reduced to a state of near insanity. I had a hard time working and was withdrawn from my marriage. My W finally found out when I was drawn into an email discussion with a female friend who got me to confess my infatuation. All my repressed feelings came pouring out in a series of emails - and my wife discovered them. <p>Here's the point: the effect has been exactly the same as if I had an affair! EXACTLY! My W feels betrayed and has no trust in me. She refuses to believe that I have no longer have any feelings for this woman. Despite the fact that I never said anything to the "OW", my W is demanding no contact. I too work in a small company and now my W wants me to leave and start my own company without the "OW". I don't want to punish an innocent person but I understand my wife's fear... I finally agreed to leave the business and find another job but my wife is so bitter about my reluctance to start another business without the "OW" that ehe told me today she wanted a separation until I was sure "what I wanted." Do you get it? She thinks I want my fantasy!!! Trust me. Your H is NOT going to understand that it's ONLY a fantasy! The fact that it's ONLY a fantasy is not going to make it easier for you mentally either!<p>If I could go back and do this over, I would tell my W that I was becoming attracted to another person - against my will. I'd explain that I was being starved, that I was "doing" the right thing, but that my instincts were telling me to run and find someone better. If I'd done that, it could have been the trigger to get us working on our problems sooner. I think it also would have burst my fantasy bubble. I've since read that the more you try not to think of a fantasy, the more it gets reinforced in your brain. It's a reinforcing cycle! As soon as everything came out, and my wife convinced me that she still cared for me, my feelings evaporated in a matter of weeks. If only I'd known it was that easy! That alone would have been worth the pain of discussing everything with my W!<p>If you don't come clean, it's only going to get worse. Even if you never develop a real relationship with this person - and I do believe that you can avoid the temptation of an affair, because I did - you're going to be mentally tortured. The guilt will get worse and the fantasy itself will become like a narcotic. When you feel pain (I know the feeling in bed at night...), you turn to your fantasy and it helps you for a while - but the price is addiction! The right thing to do is to give your H a chance to respond to the situation he has created!<p>A fantasy like that is a big warning signal! YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL of your desires!!! You will keep spiralling out of control until you fix the underlying problems!<p>As far as quitting your job, in my opinion, I don't think you necessarily need to. It depends on whether you can get in control of your feelings (after talking to your H) - and you need to be honest with yourself about how serious it is and how much it is keeping you from investing in your H! It also depends on whether your H is cool with it. I understand that leaving some jobs can be too high a price to pay if there is a workable alternative, but be prepared for that... In the meantime, avoid any type of contact as much as possible. Avoid the fantasy too, even if it means getting up in the middle of the night and reading a book, making a cup of tea or taking a sleeping pill!<p>I hope that's helpful and will spare you some of the pain I've gone through. You have my deepest sympathies because I truly understand where you are!

I agree wholeheartedly with Cane. Affairs don't start with no "fantasies" or "infatuations" beforehand. It's when we entertain these thoughts so long that we actually decide to act on them that the affairs start. So how do you prevent the affair? Resist the thoughts. The thoughts become your temptation, and you must constantly fight against temptation. You have some emotional needs that you need fulfilled right now. NOW is the time to discuss these with your spouse. If he's unable to meet these needs because they are LBs for him (like talking about the A), find a female friend and open up to them. I'd have never made it without my best friend. She usually just listened and looked at things from my side. Just having someone do this meant the world to me. Yes, I could have turned to some of the men I worked with, and yep I'd probably had an affair in the end. Why? Because I was so hurt. And would an A have helped my situation? NO WAY. That's what you need to realize, an EA nor a PA is going to help you out!! A friend can help you through the rough times without becoming a threat to your marriage. Find a friend, and if we can suffice in that regard, then lay it on us. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] We care about how you feel. We care about what is in your best interest, and we want you to be happy and have a happy marriage. Don't let this fantasy railroad your marriage.