I will probably not send this, however this is what I needed to get out of my heart. I dont know if i feel better for writing it. <p>*******
WW,
Since Monday when I had to find out that our last 3 months of recovery were a lie, you seem to have changed. You have found peace with your decision and re-committed yourself. That should be good, I should be happy as you seem to be more at peace and happy. I've been trying the last few days to dig deep and come up with the love and the strength to try again, but I can't seem to find any more. I'm not depressed or thinking out of emotion, what I am feeling now is more the lack of it. While I appreciate your honesty AFTER I had to dig, what *I* had to uncover Monday affected me more than I thought... I thought my love for you was limitless, but your total lack of remorse or apologizes to me after 3 months of deception just totally shows disregard for me. You say you are and always have been thinking and caring for other people. WHEN did I stop being a person!
Fine, my turn to be selfish. Not ONCE since day one have you shown more than passing grief or remorse for me. You have said "I'm sorry" but the only thing you cry about is yourself or him. How can you be so self centered caring only about YOURSELF and YOUR life. WHAT about the OTHER person your desicions affected what about ME DAMNIT!<p>I have been holding onto my memories of what we had for strength, the person I loved. But what you tell me is that it was all a lie. You swear to me you were pretending to be someone other than yourself to make me happy. If that is true than the person I loved was never real. If the cruel, selfish, uncaring, thoughtless, morally loose person you have shown to me over the last few months is the real you, I dont want you. I dont love you and I dont know why I cared at all for your well being.<p>I find myself trading in my marriage building efforts to looking for relief by researching about divorce. The person I loved you say never existed, the person who is left is not someone I want to risk my heart for.. <p>The only satisfaction I get from this relationship is the fact I found my own two feet despite your efforts to harm me.
Thank you for destroying my belief in the innocence about love and teaching me how cruel it can be.

Dang HangingIn ...<p>I felt that....<p>I have said those words in my mind so many times. I bet it felt good to write them down and know we here all can read and understand what you're feeling. <p>I was reading the book "Secrets of the Vine", and I cried in empathy for when Jesus was being betrayed by Judas. It surprised me that I was so emotional over it, probably what I've been thru. Jesus loved Judas, and even after He was betrayed He continued loving Judas. That's the part that I struggle with, forgiving.<p>I mean there are times I understand how someone might get themselves into an A, and I get the part about needs not being met and feeling empty inside. I just don't understand why the WS can't feel any of the BS's pain, or why some don't show any remorse for it since they love us.<p>I can't remember if Judas felt remorse, I know he felt guilt and if I'm not mistaken he hung himself after betraying Jesus. <p>I guess what that says to us is they (WS) carry their own demons, and we're not to judge whether or not they should suffer in a way or when we think they should. <p>I wish you peace, HangingIn. And I pray your wife will soon start to feel for what you've been thru because she loves you, and not because it's what she's supposed to do or feel.<p>Best,
Jo<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}<p>My heart hurts for you....I feel that deep hurt sometimes that takes my breath away....<p>*sigh*

HangingIn
I know just how you feel. I too wrote what I called my "goodbye" letter to my WH. I guess I wrote it for more therapy reasons than to give to him. After reading it a few times, I decided not to give it to him. <p> One night, He asked me how I could have gone so far as to tell him enough was enough and that I was going to have him served divorce papers. It was after this that I showed him the letter I had written. I think it helped him to know just how low I was feeling, but at the same time, how strong I was feeling. <p>HERE'S MY LETTER:<p>You want a win/win. All you getting is a win/lose/lose/lose/lose/lose/lose. <p>She wins and we all lose. <p>You lose because you&#8217;ve turned away from everything you ever believed in and worked towards. You lose because you lost yourself and I don&#8217;t think even you like the person you&#8217;ve become, the person you&#8217;ve become to keep her. I&#8217;m sure that the person you were wouldn&#8217;t be exciting enough or maybe even too straight laced for her. You wouldn&#8217;t want her to see who you were, because you&#8217;re afraid it wouldn&#8217;t be good enough. <p>Move into that condo so you can have your weekends free to golf and play tennis. How&#8217;s it going to feel to never putz around a house. I feel cheated. I could have used a little fun now and again too, but I was told that would all come when the kids got older and we had things the way we wanted around here. <p>You lose because you threw us away before giving us the chance to be better than ever, you don&#8217;t want to believe that it can happen, you stopped believing in us,heck you stopped believing in you, because all your beliefs and dreams no longer matter to you.<p>I lose because the man who vowed to spend the rest of his life with me, for better or worse, turned out to be a fraud, and the kids lose each in their own way. <p>Yes, I know the book she got for you says that if it&#8217;s handled right they&#8217;ll be o.k. That is, after therapy and trying to figure out how each one needs to be handled because they all have such different personalities. Are you willing to spend the time to figure out what they each need or will that be falling on my shoulders too. <p>Unfortunately for me, I thought I picked a life mate who would parent with me, together in one house. Our personalities are different enough that we compliment each other, our values used to be the same, now I&#8217;m going to have to deal with the kid&#8217;s perception that the rules were made to be broken, they will get to chose what rules they can listen to and if I don&#8217;t handle that well, if they fall to the wayside, you and her will sit back in your golf cart and discuss how I screwed the kids up. <p>I never claimed that I could do this alone, but don&#8217;t worry, I will get all the books I can and I will do a great job alone. I&#8217;m not as stupid as you two college-educated, professional, just want to be happy no matter what the cost people think I am.<p>*************
I really do have to say that writing the letter was great therapy for me and it made me stronger each time I read it (which was often). <p>I guess what I'm trying to say is write it down for your own good and if you feel you need to let her read it, you'll know when the right time is.<p>Hang in there.<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: hurting3475 ]</p>

Resilient/Jo & WeR Trying:
Thanks for your words and empathy.<p>hurting3475:
Thank you very much for sharing your letter! I wasnt sure why or what i was doing when writting this, but it I had to get the words out of my head and heart and onto paper. I'm glad I wasnt the only one who had put these feelings to "paper" just to put them down.<p>God I pray my wife one day gets a tiny bit of the empanthy you all have. <p>Love and Prayers to you all<p>-HI

What do you want to hear from your spouse so that you will know that they understand and regret how much you are hurting?<p>I started a post about healing the hurt -- and was told almost overwhelmingly not to apologize at this time to H.<p>Then I read posts like these that seem to want to know that the WS understands.

Lexxy:<p>Honestly.. really anything would be good any real attempt at empathy. Her to offer HER shoulder to me to lean on. Her to be heartfelt in saying she made a mistake and she appreciates my efforts....
I guess she has said some words. But it hurts to see the only time she is outwardly upset is when she is thinking about him. It hurts when she says "Everything in her life but her job is so horrible." So apparently I am or at least being married to me is horrible.
I guess I would like her to show remorse in anyway and appreciate me and all I've been through. <p>Ok my vent aside here is a more straight forward answer:<p>Apologizes are good if they are heartfelt. Just words wont do it, maybe thats what people meant. While at this point I would feel better if my WW apologized every day, it might get a little less meaningful. <p>I think one of the most caring things a WS can do for a BS is to take the initiative in recovery. Not just take gruding part in, or help in, but take the LEAD in recovery. I think BS' can smother a WS by doing too much.. I HONESTLY dont think it works the other way. I would LOVE to be smothered by attention/affeciton. Taking initiative in recovery, trying sometimes to do things first, initiating talks, dates, surprises, reading M or recovery books.. all that shows a ton of remorse, because you are acknowledging what you did by trying to fix it.ngIn ]<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>